While adoption from foster care does happen, current statistics show that less than 30% of exits from foster care are due to adoption (AFCARS Report). America’s Kids Belong’s I Belong Project amplifies the stories, faces, and voices of kids in foster care who are eligible for adoption to help connect them with forever families.
It is our goal to recruit committed families for these youth. We want families that are ready for the “marriage of the adoption” and are educated about the realities beforehand.
If you have inquired about a child or are hoping to be matched, you’ll find the following tips and resources invaluable.
What qualities are important for parents to best provide lifelong support to a child?
Many children eligible for adoption from foster care have been abused physically or sexually, or severely neglected. Even kids who have had a “good foster care experience” have suffered the trauma of separation from their first families, which can mean lifelong struggles and also require extra support.
It is important to be realistic about the children and their needs. They often have faced severe trauma and can have high emotional needs. When kids face these types of challenges, they often still can reach their potential if they are cared for by a loving and committed family and other supportive people.
Tips From Adoptive Parents
Saying “yes” to adopting a child out of foster care is a permanent, lifelong commitment. And similar to marriage, you will discover new things you love, as well as new things that challenge you as your relationship with your child deepens over time. Much of day-to-day life will look like a typical parent-child relationship, but when you’re parenting a child who has suffered trauma, it also calls for some additional patience and perspective. Here are a few tips from experienced adoptive parents:
- While you naturally might desire an immediate or quick connection, for a child who has been hurt, trust takes time. As hard as it can be, try to let your child set the pace for relational connection.
- Be proactive in seeking help and support for your family, recognizing that you all have “stuff” you’re bringing into this new relationship.
- Learn to parent “the child,” not “the behavior.” Focus your attention and energy on promoting your child’s long-term growth and well-being.
- Providing a stable place of safety and love will ensure a strong foundation for your child’s journey of healing.
Tip From Former Foster Youth
There isn’t anything that’s going to equip you for everything. And so just walking through it step by step, taking your time and learning as you go, but ultimately looking at your reason for getting into this. And if that reason is to care and love a child that needs caring and love then you’re doing it right.” – Britt
Go Deeper: Belong Blog: Three Former Foster Youth Tell Us What Makes A Good Foster Parent
What is the general process of matching a child with a family?
How Does Foster Care Adoption Work?
It is important to understand that adoption is never guaranteed as an outcome of fostering. The primary goal of foster care is reunification with the biological family.
In some cases, however, a child may be eligible for adoption after parental rights have been terminated. Foster-adopt families must first be certified (requirements vary state by state) and most states require a child be placed in a home for at least six months before the adoption can be finalized.
Go Deeper: Belong Blog: What Does It Look Like To Adopt A Child From Foster Care
How Are Decisions About Child Placement Made?
Careful decisions by families and the child’s professional team are needed to ensure a successful adoption. When a potential adoptive family comes forward, many factors must be weighed before making a permanent placement decision. The child’s history, specific needs, and best interests must be carefully considered alongside the information regarding a potential family. The youth’s team of professionals and the court will make decisions regarding permanent placement. The input of the child also is considered appropriate to his or her age.
Go Deeper: Belong Blog: Knowing the Difference Between Legal Guardianship and Adoption
How can foster parents put the youth first during the matching process?
As challenging as it can be, prospective parents must strive to prioritize the needs of the child and be open to what the team decides, even if that leads to the child not being placed with their family. When you care about a child it’s easy to get attached to the idea that the child will be “yours” and it can be emotionally crushing when that is not the outcome.
Even if you are matched, let the child/youth set the pace of the relationship and be very aware of signs that you may be pushing too hard or too fast.
Take into account the natural feelings of attachment the child has to their bio family, and be aware that establishing a relationship with an adoptive family may trigger emotional responses or unexpected resistance from the child (especially early on).
Tip From Former Foster Youth
“One of the most important things you can do is to help that child feel like they are worthy. Worthy of your love, worthy of your attention and worthy of that belonging that they have in your family. Whether it is for a short period of time or forever, just being able to speak that worthiness into them is so important.” Britt“
Go Deeper: Belong Blog: How 4 Siblings In Foster Care Remained A Family And Added 2 Parents
What are some tips for meeting a child for the first time?
- Do your best to strike a good balance between showing interest in the child and the things they’re into, while not asking too many personal questions or overwhelming them with information.
- If you have children, let them play and be kids for a while to break the ice.
- For older kids and teens, good icebreaker questions involve asking about things they like (music, movies, interests).
- Talk about yourself in a lighthearted way, including your hobbies, favorite foods, what you do as a family, etc.
- Follow the pace at which the child seems comfortable engaging.
Tip From Former Foster Youth:
“One of the most crucial aspects of becoming a foster or adoptive parent is to be sincere. Children can pick up on insincerity, and it may make them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in your home.”- Dairius
Go Deeper: Watch this FREE online webinar: Fostering Permanency at FosterCon.org
How can foster parents create a nurturing environment when a child moves in?
- A great starter is asking kids about things that make them feel the most comfortable (like having familiar drinks, foods, games, and indoor/outdoor activities). This promotes felt safety and will help them settle in the transition.
- For kids with food insecurity issues, keep a few snacks out and available. Be flexible as kids learn your rules and routines and be willing to adapt how you normally parent.
- Let them know you’re always available to talk, but be patient and let them open up as they are ready.
- Expectations, transitions and schedules need to be discussed ahead of time, but also need to be realistic to the youth. Visual schedules, house rules and setting timers can help prepare kids for what is coming up. Share verbal cues that demonstrate you are safe. This could be something like, “I will always knock on your door. I won’t just walk in.”
- Build in times of intentional connection and doing fun things together. Whether with young kids or teens, let them have ownership of the things you choose to do.
- Be intentional about being light-hearted and having a sense of humor. This is so helpful in relationship building and showing felt safety.
Tip From Former Foster Youth:
Allow kids to be themselves. I never felt that I could truly express myself, so I never really felt safe to be who I am. The stability I needed to thrive and heal was not available to me] because I could never really open up. If you are able to, just accept kids for who they are and how they express themselves, and allow them to do so in a positive way, then that’s where true healing can begin.” Dairius
Go Deeper: Belong Blog: Three Former Foster Youth Tell Us What Makes A Good Foster Parent
What are some supports for foster parents who are matched for adoption?
Once a child is matched with a family, the family will work with the child’s team to transition them into the home. Sometimes this happens quickly, but it also can take a long time, based on the child’s needs. Once placed, the family will have visits from the caseworker to support the transition. Typically, youth will be in therapy as well.
After adoption, there is continued support for the youth and family.
- In most cases and states, a child or youth will be eligible for Medicaid health insurance until age 18-21 (varies by state).
- Youth adopted after age 13 typically receive free in-state tuition to public colleges.
- Counties typically offer adoption support programs that may include access to a caseworker, support groups and other resources for families.
Go Deeper: Listen to Episode 18 of the Foster Friendly Podcast, Adopting From Foster Care: A Need That Few Know Much About with Marcy Bursac
What are some ways that foster parents can honor the child’s family and culture?
Commit to learn about your child’s biological family and culture. If this isn’t possible, take your child to events in the community where you both can get to know people who share their ethnicity or race, and do life with them. Take the child to classes or ask people to teach you how to cook, do hair, etc. Consider incorporating books, art, traditions, movies and music that provide ethnic representation for your child.
It’s important to recognize that being of a different race or ethnicity doesn’t necessarily mean a child is familiar with it. Some children may have lost elements of their identity and might require support to explore and understand their heritage. Avoid imposing cultural engagement on children; instead offer opportunities for them to participate. (Did you know: you can obtain the child’s original birth certificate from the adoption caseworker before finalization.)
Tip From Former Foster Youth:
“Encourage [kids] to embrace their heritage by incorporating cultural traditions and practices into your daily routine. When I first got adopted in 7th grade my mom encouraged me to pursue learning about my Japanese heritage.” Dairius
Go Deeper: Watch our FREE webinar, Fostering Cultural Components at FosterCon.org
What missteps do foster parents make who are matched to provide permanency for a child?
Missteps are inevitable in the sensitive landscape of adoption But you can avoid some common missteps.
- Seek and welcome help. A common misstep is a parent thinking they can do it alone and not taking help when offered.
- Be prepared for your child’s needs. Be sure to seek adequate training for your child’s needs and so you are less likely to have unrealistic expectations of the youth.
- Parents can also fall into the trap of expecting the youth to be grateful and joyful about the placement/adoption and/or believing that adoption itself will be the “magical cure” to behaviors and emotions stemming from the child’s losses and trauma.
- It’s common for prospective families to assume a child with “good behavior” hasn’t faced trauma and doesn’t require support. Positive behavior also can be a response to trauma, where the child pretends everything is fine when it’s not. It’s important not to dismiss or overlook kids’ needs just because they’re exhibiting “good behavior.”
Quote From An Adoptee:
“Adoption was a great moment to feel like I actually belong, and actually be part of a family, but that’s just part of a much larger process of healing.” Dairius
Go Deeper: Watch this short video of the Coons and hear what they have to say about keeping the right mindset for approaching adoption.
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Want to know how to get started? Click here.
If you are interested in adopting, you must have a completed home study or be a licensed foster parent before your inquiry can be considered by child welfare. If you don’t have these prerequisites, you can get started here.
