(Guest blog- Abby Crooks)
Years ago our adventure-seeking family went rock climbing in Wyoming. We’d been to rock climbing gyms, and we were ready to take on a real boulder! We quickly realized we weren’t prepared: our eyes couldn’t see brightly colored hand or foot holds, the actual granite was cold and rough on tender fingers, and our legs, well, they were shaky for the challenge of this massive, actual rock slab. This was a stark reminder of how I felt when I arrived on my foster parenting and adoption journey. I had been a biological parent of two for many years, and I thought I was savvy at it, enjoying it, and thriving. Then, I fostered to adopt our first child.
I quickly realized that parenting a child who has a trauma background didn’t follow any of the same parenting rules and expectations I’d had. The tools I used to connect and discipline my children whose brain hadn’t been impacted by uncontrollable, fearful experiences weren’t enough anymore. My gentle patience suddenly felt so inadequate. Just like rock climbing in Wyoming, parenting a child from a hard place was a shock to my system, humbling, and finally very educational.
No matter the zeal you start with for children in need, love isn’t always enough. Those loving hands fatigue, and you’ll have to have a “guide” with you to show you the way. While rock climbing, our experienced guide would encourage us to reach to the right and feel our way to the next hand or foot hold that we couldn’t even see when we were pressed closely against the rock. He would then verbally shout to us from below, directing us to the next hold to help us rest that body weight on and move our way up or sometimes just laterally to a better place to take a moment to regroup.
During the fostering journey, you will need other foster/adoptive parents, therapists, counselors, support groups, and friends or family who can see the larger picture and who are just safe places to listen, process, and encourage you. Your most earnest love and good intentions just won’t hack it. When you start climbing, you always start with someone to belay you.
Without a belayer, you truly risk falling and losing so much of what you’ve worked for. Reach out to a support group or foster association who can belay you as those who have walked this road before you may be able to share some ideas that have worked (or not), recommend just the right therapists or at home interventions, or at least listen to you vent and express that they won’t let you fall! Their stories about relationships with biological families, caseworkers, and the court system can give you courage or the hope you need to try again.
You may need to make a new friend-guide who can be a guide to help you navigate a cross-cultural family and how best to raise a child with a different skin color than yours. Some people mistakenly believe that they just need to drop their children off at therapy, but the truth is that sometimes you need to stay or have your own counselor to process these relationships with an outsider who can look at what’s going on objectively and point out things you might not see and help you cope to find your way.
When we got to the Wyoming rock, the tools we’d used in the gym to scale the rock didn’t serve us too well. In parenting a child with trauma, sending her to time out, taking away items, or just doling out consequences seemed worthless and even escalated situations with our combative child. We had never had a child up all night no matter our best routines, stealing from our drawers, lying for no apparent reason, and pushing past every boundary we set. We decided we better stop just trying and get training.
We started a journey of reading every book and listening to every podcast out there about trauma/adoption/foster parenting, studying the traumatized brain to grow our compassion, reading about attachment disorders, learning more about mental health medicines, diagnoses, and interventions. Basically, we needed a new parenting degree! We’d find ideas and tools that helped us get through one behavior or one season, and then they’d stop working and we’d need a new tool or strategy.
As we scaled that rock in Wyoming we had to try some new things–like clinging to that rock with one toe at a point! Yes, sometimes that’s how parenting a traumatized child feels too–hanging on by a few fingertips or just a few toes at points, but still clinging to our child and never giving up hope for better days by celebrating small victories where we can catch a glimpse of healing. It has been a personal growth journey to be continually devoted to finding new ways to work through my own parenting shortcomings, managing expectations by measuring progress with a different ruler, and finding ways through seasons of behaviors with each child’s wildly varying personality, trauma experiences, responses to trauma, sometimes disabilities, while regulating our own triggers we never knew were there in “normal” parenting.
Every small victory for our children has been worth the investment of time to find and experiment with new tactics–to read, watch, listen, and learn from fellow foster/adoptive parents, medical experts, trauma therapists, and counselors who can show us how to push through and find joy along the way too.
Scaling that Wyoming rock was a bit more than we expected, so the half-day we’d booked was plenty for us. One of the golden rules of mountaineering is to never underestimate a climb as it’s usually harder, taller, and further than it looks from the ground. You will need to bolster your strength and ignore others too. This kind of parenting journey won’t be as simple as others may think who aren’t climbing themselves. The children we’ve served have often been one age on paper, but sometimes navigating the obstacles of a 15 year olds life in a 7 year olds mind.
There are times that progress means we go one step forward, only to take 30 steps backward. There have been clear days and crisis days. There are times our children will need us more and longer, counting on our support, reminders, and our presence to do tasks that they should be able to do independently. If we expect more of a Ninja race with obstacles than a 200m sprint, we’ll set ourselves up for much more success, and we may have to redefine “winning” too.
During our climb there were times I needed to take a literal breather on the rock while I gathered my resolve and maybe snapped a few cool pictures of others to remember the memory. In parenting a child from trauma, we might need a regular respite plan once attachment seems solid. We cultivated those relationships early on (so our child knew the caregiver like family) and also leaned on our family and foster parent support group. There are often local foster parent associations, Moms groups, church groups, or other community organizations with like-minded people you can connect to and trade respite care with.
Taking regular date nights or adventures with a spouse/friend, or just time for yourself, is important as these times of connection, fun, laughs, or quiet refills your tank to “fight another day” for your child and against your child’s history. These times to reflect can help you refocus and remember your child’s true self, your “why” that led you to this life, and be precious, uninterrupted time to talk with your parenting partner to set new goals or make family accommodations, and brainstorm new strategies that might work for handling common family pain points.
At the end of the experience in Wyoming, we made some mega adjustments, trusted new people who knew more than us to guide us, and were feeling dog-tired, but we found great satisfaction and relished the new challenge of making it to the top of that granite slab and then rappelling down. The investment I’ve made to parent traumatized children has made me a better overall parent, created empathy for other struggling parents, developed a deeper understanding for traumatized adults, given me a new perspective on the child welfare system, and refined me as a person and professional teacher as well. Our investments in our parenting journey will be worth the time and effort for every child who deserves every chance at becoming the loving, productive citizen they can be.
Recommended Resources from America’s Kids Belong
Consider Becoming a Foster Parent
Resources to get you started on your journey
Ways You Can Support Foster Families
Learn more about the many ways you and your community can get engaged
