I have the privilege of training families in the process of becoming foster-certified. Of the 24 hours of in-class time, one of the big discussions is navigating the holidays. Why? Because navigating holidays with foster youth can be a delicate and sometimes challenging experience.
What I have found over the years is that most foster and adoptive parents learn to understand quickly how easily the holidays can disrupt the trust and healing process. However, most foster families say their families and friends “just don’t get it”. So if you’re a friend or family member of a foster family and will be in contact with foster/adopted youth this season, this post is for you!
Top 10 Tips for Best Supporting Foster/Adoptive families and the kids in their care this holiday season:
1. Be sensitive to the past experiences of kids in foster care.
All foster youth have experienced trauma due to the separation from their biological family or a history of instability which can affect their emotional well-being during this time. Your role is not to know their story and ask them intrusive questions. As a family friend or relative, your role is to greet them by name, make them feel welcome, and simply understand their emotions may be high.
2. Allow their foster parents to be the ones to call the shots.
Holidays can sometimes bring up feelings of grief, anxiety, or uncertainty. The foster/adoptive parents know the child best and will know what the needs of the child are. Don’t overstep and try to “save the day” if emotions are high. Let the foster parent be the one to step in and help regulate and decide what’s best for the situation. One thing that gets tiring for foster parents is when people who think they know what’s best for a child (and often aren’t trauma informed) fail to recognize that what may have worked with other children often won’t work with children who are experiencing hard things.
3.. Understand that the foster family will need to maintain structure and stability.
Children in foster care often thrive on structure because much of their world is out of their control and they haven’t experienced much consistency. Understand that foster families may need to leave an event or gathering early to maintain bedtime or may need to refrain from certain activities. They are not controlling or unwilling to “allow fun.” As friends or family, don’t ask clarifying questions or make comments that make the family feel bad for their choices. Trust that they are making the best decision for the youth in their care.
4. Avoid overwhelming them:
Overly busy schedules or too many changes at once can create stress, which is why the holidays can add more stress to youth who are already living with a great deal of stress. I hear people repeatedly say things like, “I’m going to spoil the heck out of them because I bet they’ve never experienced Christmas like we have before.” While that seems kind and loving, it can be very overwhelming. It may also make a child feel bad if they return home and things look different. Avoid high-stress games, gifts, and expectations.
5. Be open to the choices foster parents give:
You might have ways you always do things, like the kids sitting at one table and the adults at another. Please be willing to be flexible about what these children need! Be okay with their foster/adoptive parents giving them choices such as: would you like to sit here or here, would you like to use a paper plate instead of the china, or would you like to open your gifts now or later when everyone isn’t watching?
6. Be mindful of family dynamics
If the child has contact with their biological family during the holidays, this can stir up complex emotions. If the child doesn’t have contact with their biological family during the holidays, this can stir up complex emotions. Be prepared for high emotions and don’t take them personally or say things like, “Well, the day was going great.”
7. Give them space:
Some children might need time to themselves to process their emotions, especially if the holiday is bringing up difficult memories. Be understanding of their need for space. If the foster/adoptive family isn’t well versed with your home, give them options BEFORE a situation arises for a “time away” spot for the youth if they get overwhelmed.
8. Allow them to celebrate in their own way
Not every child may celebrate the holidays in the same way, especially if they have different cultural or religious backgrounds. Be open to learning about their traditions and values. Understand that your favorite foods and family traditions might not be appealing to them. Don’t get offended if they don’t like your traditional meal or choose not to participate in activities.
9. Be mindful of your word choice
Ask the foster parents ahead of time what the foster youth calls them. DO NOT refer to the foster parents as “mom and dad” or refer to other family-type words that may be insensitive. Also stay away from conversations such as, “I wonder what your family is up to today?”
10. Food issues are real, be mindful of them
If a child asks you if they can have something, defer to the foster parents. Food insecurities are extremely common and often lead to other food-related issues. DO NOT give the child/youth food or drinks without permission from the foster parents.
By showing understanding, patience, and flexibility, you can help foster youth navigate the holidays in a way that is nurturing and supportive of their individual needs. You will support the foster home more than you know by simply deferring to them and trusting that they have the youth’s best interest in mind while being trauma-responsive.
Learn more:
If you want to learn more about how you can be a wonderful support to foster families, check out our FREE, on-demand webinar, Helping Foster Families.
For foster families, we have a really helpful and practical podcast episode called: “How to Best Navigate the Holidays As A Foster Family.”
