We often hear what is needed to be a good foster parent: love, commitment, flexibility, compassion, and patience to name a few. However, we often forget to mention the things that AREN’T needed.
My husband and I first went through foster care training 17 years ago but we didn’t take any full-time placements for another few years because we got nervous. Here are a few things I wish others had told us at the time that may have prevented us from waiting.
- You don’t need to have it all together.
Home studies and caseworker visits can seem daunting. However, they are not looking for “perfect” homes. In fact, children need to see that we don’t think ourselves to be perfect but rather, we need to welcome them into a home that is safe and loving, yet imperfect. Youth need modeling of how healthy families work on their relationships, despite differences. They need to see that spilled milk is okay and what to do when it happens. Caseworkers and youth don’t expect or need you to pretend you have it all together.
- You don’t need to provide abundance.
Yesterday was my foster son’s birthday. In the month ahead, he kept telling me all he wanted was a “normal childhood birthday.” He didn’t ask for gifts. He didn’t ask for anything grand. A simple party with a cake was what he wanted more than anything for his 14th birthday. While we need to provide the basics, it’s okay to occasionally spoil them. However, we don’t want to show them a life of abundance that likely wouldn’t continue when they return home. Give the best gifts: time, energy, patience, and understanding…that’s what they need!
- You don’t need to follow birth order.
Some families choose to follow birth order (meaning not taking placements of children who are older than their oldest child) while others do not. There is no cut and dry answer for this but rather a decision a family should make together, taking in many considerations. My biggest advice: have safety plans in place and maybe try respite for older youth and see how it goes for your family.
- You don’t need your extended friends and family’s blessing.
While I know it’s great to have friends and family backing you, not all are going to understand or support your decision. Now, if your friends and family have a valid concern, hear them out. However, it is common for friends and family to simply be afraid of foster care and to let their fears known. If you feel called to care for kids, suggest your friends and family read a book or articles on foster care so they understand better. You could also explain to them how you are preparing your heart and home and affirm you know it will be hard.
- You don’t need to accept every placement.
Many people considering fostering don’t realize you can say not to placements! You will get a call, text, or email from a caseworker when there is a placement need. They will share with you as much as they can or know at the time to allow you to make the best decision for your home. If the timing isn’t right, you aren’t comfortable with the age, or you simply can’t rearrange the particular placement, it’s completely acceptable to say no.
- You don’t need to be completely healed from your trauma.
Many adults have gone through hard things and foster care can certainly take you back to tough memories. While it’s important to be in a good place mentally, you may never fully “get over” the things you’ve experienced. My husband grew up in an abusive home and he still struggles with hurt from his childhood. It still affects him today HOWEVER, he did a lot of hard work emotionally before he was ready to care for kids from hard places. Some of the most meaningful conversations he’s had with foster youth are conversations where he can share his messy background. He can often connect with youth in a different way than I can.
While you’re considering fostering, realize we aren’t looking for perfect homes that will say yes to every call. We need homes that, though imperfect, know how to share love, give care, and provide stability amongst the chaos.
