In a recent this conversation on the Foster Friendly Podcast, Sophia Pantoja—who spent 11 years in foster care and aged out at 21—shares what it was like to move through placements, what she wishes adults understood about her behavior, and how vulnerability can make youth in care more susceptible to exploitation. For foster parents, caregivers, and advocates, her story offers an important reminder: love, stability, trust, and age-appropriate freedom are not extras. They are vital to help young people feel safe, supported, and that they belong!
Sophia’s story: what shaped her early years
Sophia entered foster care at age 10 because of her parents’ drug addiction and abuse in the home. Before then, she had already experienced instability, moving between relatives in the Philippines every year or two. She came to the United States without knowing English and had to adjust to a new culture and school system.
Sophia spent six years in one long-term foster home. As she got older, the relationship became more strained. What adults saw as rebellious behavior, she experienced as being misunderstood and restricted from living a normal teenage life. After leaving that home, she spent time in a residential program and then moved to a group home. Her story isn’t about being a “bad kid.” It’s about a young person responding the best she knew how to years of change, loss, and uncertainty.
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Looking beneath the behavior
Sophia described often feeling misunderstood. Unfortunately, many teenagers in foster care may be labeled defiant when they’re actually grieving, scared, overwhelmed, or trying to regain some control over their lives. Her experience also included the challenges of immigration and language. Moving to a new country, learning English, and adjusting to a different school system added to her sense of being out of place. For foster parents, a useful question is: What might this behavior be communicating?
The answer could involve grief, fear, a need for autonomy, or several things at once. Looking for the need underneath the behavior can open the door to a more supportive response. Sophia also had to grow up quickly, including looking after her younger brother.
How vulnerability can increase trafficking risk
Sophia shared that she ran away from her group home because, at the time, she felt being anywhere else would be better than staying there. She didn’t believe she could turn to her mother for help without being returned to the group home. When a close friend suggested staying with the friend’s stepfather, Sophia went with her. What followed was not a sudden kidnapping. Sophia described a gradual pattern of grooming, manipulation, and exploitation by an adult who first appeared to be offering a place to stay.
She was isolated and vulnerable, and the situation escalated over time. Her story shows why trafficking prevention cannot be reduced to telling young people not to run away. It’s also important to understand what makes a young person feel that running is their only option—and to make sure they know where they can turn for help. Exploitation and trafficking can begin with attention, access, and a promise of belonging. This sobering reality makes having safe, strong, and trusting adult relationships especially important.
Ways foster parents can help build safety and belonging
Sophia’s practical advice returned to a central idea: make home a place where young people can be honest before a crisis happens.
1. Make it clear that they can come to you. Sophia said teenagers may hide what they’re going through, especially if they don’t expect adults to understand or respond well. Tell your child in foster care clearly and often that they can come to you if something happens. Keep that invitation present in everyday life, not just in a crisis. A young person is more likely to speak up when they believe they’ll be heard without shame.
2. Balance structure with age-appropriate freedom. Sophia described a strict home where she had limited opportunities to spend time with friends. She understood that her foster parents were concerned, but she also felt boxed in. Her advice isn’t to remove all boundaries. It is to give young people appropriate ways to build independence and enjoy ordinary teen experiences. Depending on the situation, that might include supervised social time, clear check-ins, sports, or talking with friends’ parents. When teens are included in reasonable decisions and given opportunities to earn trust, they can feel more like they belong.
3. Help young people build an identity beyond being in foster care. Sophia found meaning in joining teams and making friends. These experiences gave her space to be a teenager—not just someone defined by her background. Hobbies, sports, art, music, clubs, and other positive activities can help young people discover interests and strengths of their own.
4. Offer steady, compassionate support. Sophia hopes to work in social work and be someone young people can count on. She knows from experience how meaningful it is when someone stays and shows genuine compassion. Consistency matters. Young people need adults who keep showing up, especially when trust takes time to build.
Why Sophia chose social work
Sophia originally considered nursing, partly because she wanted to help people and it was expected of her. Her internships with New York City’s Administration for Children’s Services helped her see another path. She met other young people with foster care experience and found the feeling of being understood powerful. They could share similar experiences and perspectives. That helped Sophia decide she wanted to work in the foster care field and support young people navigating the system. When asked what children in foster care need most, Sophia answered: “Literally love and stability.”
She also offered a message to young people who feel at their lowest: keep going. Her story holds two truths in tension: foster care can bring painful experiences, and supportive relationships can help young people move forward.
Frequently asked questions recap:
What do young people in foster care need most? Sophia named love and stability. She also emphasized the importance of feeling cared for, trusted, and supported. How can foster parents help reduce vulnerability to things like trafficking? Build an open, trusting relationship, make it clear that the young person can ask for help, and provide appropriate opportunities for connection and independence.
Pay attention to whether they feel safe and supported at home. Why might a teen in foster care run away? There can be many reasons. Sophia described feeling trapped and believing she couldn’t turn to her family for help. Understanding the young person’s perspective can help adults address the needs or circumstances behind the behavior and the feeling of wanting to leave.
How should foster parents respond to behavior they find challenging? Try to look beneath the behavior and consider what the young person may be communicating. Respond with curiosity, care, and appropriate boundaries. How can foster parents help teens feel a sense of belonging? Support their friendships and interests, involve them in everyday family life, and create opportunities for them to participate in normal activities. These experiences can help them feel valued for who they are.
