Staying Present in the “Messy Middle”
After nearly six years with America’s Kids Belong and the Foster Friendly Podcast, Courtney Williams is stepping into a new chapter. In a special farewell episode, Brian and Travis celebrated Courtney’s influence as a foster parent, advocate, podcast host, mentor, and friend.
Listen to the episode here or watch below:
Courtney’s Advice for Foster Parents: Become a Resource Finder
Courtney has fostered for about 20 years and has cared for more than 80 children during that time! She’s a mother to nine, including six through adoption. She draws on years of lived experience past and present when it comes to fostering, adoption, and parental advice. When asked what main advice she would give foster parents, Courtney offered a message that is both honest and encouraging:
“We just have to find the answers.” No foster parent can be prepared for every situation. Training is important, but no training can cover every child, behavior, need, or unexpected circumstance. Courtney believes successful foster parents learn to become resource finders. They are willing to say, “I don’t know how to handle this,” and then keep looking for help. That may mean reaching out to another foster parent, caseworker, therapist, teacher, or experienced advocate.
The important thing is not having every answer immediately. It is refusing to give up. As Courtney explained, foster parents can keep searching until they find something that helps a child move even an inch further academically, socially, mentally, or emotionally. The point is, you do not have to be perfect to make a difference. You have to stay willing to learn.
Adoption Should Be Centered on the Child
Courtney also shared how her own understanding of adoption has changed over time. When she and her husband Bobby first began adopting, they did not yet understand everything about trauma, grief, and the adoptee experience. Their perspective grew as they listened, learned, and gained experience. Her advice to families considering adoption is clear: listen to adoptees. Families should learn from people who have lived adoption from the child’s perspective, not only from hopeful parents or adoptive parents.
Adoption should not be centered primarily on a family’s desire to grow. It should be centered on the needs, history, identity, and well-being of the child. Courtney also emphasized that children’s perspectives can continue to develop as they grow older. Adoptive families need to remain open to new questions, emotions, and realizations throughout a child’s life. The goal is not to have a perfect understanding from the beginning. The goal is to keep listening and keep learning.
What Children in Foster Care Really Need
One of the most meaningful moments in the episode came when Courtney was asked what children in foster care really need. Her answer was that they do not necessarily need someone who can promise forever. They need someone willing to remain present in what Courtney describes as the “messy middle.” The messy middle includes uncertainty, court dates, difficult behaviors, missed expectations, broken hearts, and unanswered questions. Foster parents may not know whether a child will reunify, move to another family, or remain with them permanently. But children still need adults who will say yes to them day after day.
That does not mean foster parents can control the outcome. It means they can provide stability, compassion, and support while the next step is being determined. Courtney also reminded listeners that a child’s rejection does not automatically mean the foster parent has failed. Trauma can affect how children respond to love and safety. Adults may need to support children even when those children cannot yet receive that support in the way adults hoped. The work is not about forcing a particular emotional response. It is about continuing to show up.
Keep Learning and Keep Showing Up
Courtney’s advice for foster and adoptive parents is consistent:
- Stay child-centered.
- Listen to people with lived experience.
- Let go of unrealistic expectations.
- Ask for help.
- Keep learning.
- Do not give up.
- Be willing to remain in the messy middle.
What kids in foster care deeply need is loving adults who are humble enough to learn, strong enough to ask for help, and committed enough to keep showing up.
