In a recent episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast, Danny and Ashley Smith shared their journey engaging foster care and reflected on insights learned along the way. Interestingly, their fostering journey began not with a calling, but with practicality—a job opportunity that evolved into a powerful, life changing mission.
As house parents in various residential group homes, they have spent years shaping the lives of children in foster care, learning invaluable lessons about kids and themselves along the way. They’ve also had the opportunity to further their relationships with some of the former youth (now adults) who they cared for years ago.
Time spent reminiscing together and seeing the lives of these young adults now has given them a really unique and cool perspective on what it means to foster. Danny also has years of experience coaching foster parents and working in different types of management roles in various foster care settings.
Listen to episode here or watch below:
Dealing With Difficult Behaviors and Lessons in Consistency, Compassion, and Care:
One of the most profound insights from their journey is the importance of consistency. “What kids in foster care really need is consistency,” Danny emphasized in the conversation. This consistency, coupled with genuine care, forms the foundation of trust and growth. Ashley added, “When they know you care, that’s when you see the real change.”
They both acknowledged that foster care is not without its many challenges. One of Danny’s big mantras that he’s coached other foster parents on is: “Don’t give up on what you’re doing just because it seems like it’s not working.” Danny’s point here is that it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t evaluate parenting strategies and making adjustments, but all too often a really empathetic and positive strategy to helping kids decrease negative behaviors is given up on too quickly because we aren’t patient enough to wait on results.
Sometimes, as he reminds us, we won’t ever see the results while they are in our care. While that can be disheartening and challenging, it doesn’t mean we aren’t making a profound difference on their lives. It could be years later that work played a huge role in shaping their stories, self esteem, and giving them tools to use going forward.
Part of the complexity of fostering is that kids’ personalities can be influx as they are growing. The kids we foster often are trying on different personalities as they try to figure out their identity. As they look back on their experiences, Danny and Ashley see the growth not only in the children they’ve cared for but also in themselves. “Kids are still trying on personalities. They don’t know who they are,” Danny noted, reminding us of the evolving nature of identity and the role caregivers play in shaping it.
More helpful quotes from this episode:
Timing matters when it comes to resolving difficult behavioral situations:
“It’s not the time to have that conversation at all. You’re just trying to get them back to, I mean, what ended a lot of our situations like this, when a kid was out of control is they would eventually calm down and we would just say, you know, we’re all just going to go to bed. We’ll deal with it in the morning.” Danny
“Kids really do understand consequences. They know they shouldn’t have acted like that, but it’s all it’s going to do is drive a wedge between you if you take all those behaviors personally.” Danny
“When they walk in the room, I don’t want them to feel like a burden. I don’t want them to feel like, now Miss Ashley, she’s not happy to see me.” Ashley
When kids would sometimes feel defined by their negative behaviors:
“I would love to just get in there and say, you’re not, you are not this, you know, and speak that to them.” Ashley
