Bernie, Travis, and Courtney engage in a conversation that explores some of the factors that connect the dots between foster care and criminal problems later. Bernie shares insights from prisoners on the things they now realize would have helped them when they were youth looking to find belonging and connection.
Bernie shares his story of growing up with a single father and becoming a foster father to three boys by 2006. He describe the struggles and joys of fostering, especially, kids that have reactive attachment disorder and other behavioral problems. Bernie also mentions his present case of working with a 17-year-old boy who, with Bernie’s intervention and assistance, was able to complete high school. Bernie shares an incredible story of a heart warming moment they share at his graduation.
Helpful information for single fathers and men who are thinking about becoming foster parents can be heard as well in this episode. Join us and listen to Bernie’s incredible story and get the understanding of fostering, adoption and mentoring from the person who has devoted his life to the well-being of the children and families.
Learn more about being a foster or adoptive parent or supporting those who are in your community.
Please consider donating today to support our mission to dramatically improve the experiences and outcomes for kids in foster care.
Statistics cited in this episode:
1. Criminal Law Practitioner
2. Youth Today
TRANSCRIPT:
Travis (00:01.59)
Welcome to another episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast. I’m Travis and I’m in South Carolina and I’m joined by my co -host Courtney in Colorado. Our special guest today is in Virginia. So we’re kind of across the country here. Today we’re going to be talking with an adoptive dad who’s become a big voice and influence in the space of foster care and adoption awareness. He’s going to share his story and lessons he’s learned along the way, as well as what inspires him to motivate others to engage foster care and adoption.
Courtney (00:04.965)
Travis and I’m yourself Phil on it and I’m joined by my co -host Courtney and Paul Raddiff. Our special guest today is in Virginia, so we’re kind of across the country here. Today we’re gonna be talking with an adoptive dad who’s become a big voice and influence in the space of box care and adoption awareness. He’s gonna share his story and lessons he’s learned along the way as well as what inspires him to motivate others to engage box care and adoption.
Travis (00:28.662)
This is also a unique episode as well, because the three of us on this represent transracial adoptive families. That’s really cool. So a little bit more about Barry. Barry Farmer lives in Richmond, Virginia with his three adopted sons. He grew up in kinship care with his grandmother from ages five to 18. At age 20, Barry became a foster father with a local therapeutic agency to further help youth within his community. And then at age 22, he adopted his oldest son.
Courtney (00:28.869)
This is also a unique episode as well because the three of us represent trans -racial adopted families. So a little bit more about Barry. Barry’s farm work is in Gisborne, Virginia with a pre -adopted son. He grew up in kinship care with his grandmother from ages 5 to 18. At age 20, Barry became a foster father with a local therapeutic agency to further help youth within his community. And then at age 22, he adopted his older son.
Travis (00:56.694)
Today as a single father, Barry is a spokesperson for Adopt Us Kids, foster care adoption advocate for children awaiting adoption, speaker, mentor, host of the Barry Farmer Morning Show with Sharon Lizzie, a nationally syndicated radio show based out of Richmond, Virginia, and the Foster Care and Adoption Life Talk web series, as well as the creator, administrator of the largest online support group for, one of the largest online support groups for foster care and adoptive families.
Courtney (00:56.901)
Today, as a single father, Barry is a spokesperson for adopt kids, foster care adoption advocates for children and lady adoptions, speaker, mentor, host of the Barry Farmer Morning Show with Sharon Izzy, a nationally -synced radio show based out of Richmond, Virginia, and the foster care adoption Life Talk website, as well as the creator, administrator of the largest online support group for one of the largest online support groups for foster care and adoptive kids.
Travis (01:25.91)
That is a lot. Really excited for this podcast. Welcome to the podcast, Barry.
Courtney (01:26.209)
That’s awesome. Yeah, we’re so glad to have you. Yeah, as we launch this, can you just tell us more about you and your family and even what you like to do for fun?
Barry Farmer (01:28.268)
Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for the invite. I’m excited to talk to you guys and spread this word of advocating that I like to do for our older children in foster care, I should say.
Barry Farmer (01:51.628)
Well, more about me. Let’s see. Who am I? Of course, you know I host a radio show based out of Richmond, Virginia. But overall, I’m just a fun guy, I believe. I don’t know what the kids think, but adults tend to think I’m fun. Right. You know, I like to laugh. I like to eat. You can’t see me because it’s really from the neck down. But.
Travis (02:07.606)
Well, then I think they’ll think you’re fun too then.
Courtney (02:09.861)
Yeah.
Courtney (02:17.892)
Yes.
Barry Farmer (02:20.683)
You know, I just enjoy having a good laugh, you know, even when times are tough. You know, even tell my sons like, find a reason to laugh today or something that makes you just bust a gut, you know, even when times are hard. So I like that. My family, of course, everyone knows I have a translation about the family that we built one by one, kid by kid. People tend to think that the boys are all three biologically related, but nobody in the house
is biologically related, even, you know, and, you know, going viral with the makeup of our family because it was kind of unheard of, especially with social media around, you know, people weren’t used to seeing African Americans with white kids as family members, as adoptive family members and things like that. And, you know, it shined a light that we do adopt as African Americans and that we, that single people,
Travis (03:05.302)
Mm -hmm.
Courtney (03:07.973)
and you know it’s kind of like we being about the best in America and we need to go out and live a better life.
Barry Farmer (03:19.849)
do adopt multiple kids and that we all can learn something from each other living in a home from different backgrounds.
Courtney (03:21.733)
Thanks for watching!
Travis (03:22.998)
Hmm.
Courtney (03:27.269)
Yeah. Yeah. So obviously fostering and adopting is part of your heart, part of your life. Tell us more about your fostering and your adoption journey.
Travis (03:31.382)
Well said.
Barry Farmer (03:39.273)
Mm -hmm.
It was unexpected. I’m gonna start there. When I first became a foster parent, from my understanding at the time that the kids come for a little while, they go home, be reunited with their families, and I was okay with that. It was something I thought I needed to do, something I wanted to do, something that I wanted to take very seriously when doing it, even at my young age of 20 being licensed.
you know, people, my director, I should say, she was very upfront with me during the process. She said, well, nobody’s looking for a single male to foster kids at the age of 20. And it’s gonna be a while. And I was like, I’m in no rush, you know? I just want to be available and to open my home for, and everything just seemed to fall in place for me to do it.
Travis (04:23.414)
Mm.
Travis (04:27.99)
Hahaha.
Barry Farmer (04:40.168)
when I picked up this employment guide that they used to have around town, I was really looking to be a truck driver. I really wanted to drive a CDL, track the trailers across the country and whatnot. But I saw this ad that said, become a foster parent today. Ages 18 and up are welcome. I was like, really? Wow, okay. So, let’s test this and see if they mean it. I was 19 at the time going on 20.
Courtney (05:05.253)
Hehehe
Travis (05:05.974)
haha
Barry Farmer (05:09.863)
when I first did the interview and whatnot. And I had a great conversation about my upbringing with the director of the program. And before you knew it, she had asked me how old I was. And I still looked rather old back then. I still looked about I was 30, like when I was 19 or 20. So when I told her that I was 20, she was kind of shocked. And she was like, but I feel like you can do this. I feel like you can do this.
Travis (05:28.022)
Ha ha.
Barry Farmer (05:37.67)
And I was like, well, you know, I already worked in childcare. I’ve been working in childcare for about five years at that point. I worked at a childcare center when I interviewed there, working with the younger kids and helped me run the before and after school program for the childcare center. So, you know, we had foster kids come through that center as well. So that kind of gave me a glimpse of what these parents would be dealing with on a daily basis.
Courtney (05:47.205)
and working with the government to run the 4 -9 -2 program for the South Carolina Center. We had offices come through that side as well, but just kind of giving you a glimpse of what these towns would be doing within their spaces. So, thank you, and I’m glad you came here. I’m sorry, okay, well, now I’ve got to talk to what he is, because…
Travis (06:05.526)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (06:06.917)
So when she licensed me, I was like, okay, well, now I got to find somewhere to live because I was living in a one bedroom apartment. And she was like, I can’t complete the license until you move. And I was like, I’m going to move. And it so happened I used to do a lot of yard work for my old elementary school art teacher. And we were catching up in her kitchen and I was telling her my plans to move.
Travis (06:14.326)
Hahaha.
Courtney (06:22.981)
Thank you.
Barry Farmer (06:35.653)
you know, finish my license to become a foster parent. And she was like, my goodness, wow. But then I left and she called me like 30 minutes later and she was like, well, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this, but I have a place you can rent and you can pay the same way you’re paying now for a bigger place. And I was like, shut up. Cause back then rent was like $400. I was like, my God, I get a two -bedroom for $400. So, you know, everything just seemed to fall into place.
Courtney (06:36.197)
So, if my license is false, it’s a failing.
Courtney (06:48.293)
That’s a deal.
Travis (06:56.694)
Let’s go!
Barry Farmer (07:03.908)
And I’ve always been a believer in things happening in the order in which they should. So, you know, falling, it’s like I fell into foster care. And then having my oldest son who came, he was my second placement. It’s kind of like I fell into having a son because it just was one day that they were like, well, he can’t go back home. And would you consider adopting him? And when they asked me what I consider, I’m like, y ‘all, y ‘all forget I was 22? Are you sure?
Courtney (07:31.301)
That’s all I wanted to say.
Travis (07:33.014)
Yeah, right.
Barry Farmer (07:33.38)
And I didn’t think they were serious. I was serious when I was like, yeah, I would consider it. And I didn’t really think that that would be an option once they told him that he wasn’t.
He’s gonna leave now. And I was gonna really miss him anyway. You know, we had bonded over that time when before he knew he wasn’t going back. And I, you know, I never, I didn’t know how much I liked him until he was gone. He left for like a weekend to go somewhere else and try a family. And then he came back and I was like, I really miss this kid. I really loved him. And he, and he really missed me too. He was ready to go soon as he got there, wherever he went. And I was like, okay, I think I’m.
Travis (08:06.422)
Ha ha ha.
Courtney (08:06.693)
Yeah.
Travis (08:13.302)
Ha ha.
Barry Farmer (08:15.619)
a legit father right now. I want to adopt this kid.
Travis (08:19.958)
Wow. That is cool. I like culminated then in that moment of just like a mutual, this is a fit. I love that. You know, I was going to ask you too, like how much of the, a little bit of the inspiration or kind of the desire to do this stemmed at all from you yourself kind of being in kinship care growing up. I mean, did that kind of have a bearing as well a little bit or?
Barry Farmer (08:23.715)
Mm -hmm.
Courtney (08:25.765)
This is a fit.
Barry Farmer (08:26.754)
Yeah.
Courtney (08:37.285)
I understand it all from yourself being in kinship care growing up and you did not have a bearing as well or a better. Absolutely. So I grew up in kinship care. We’re people know the public office work. But it felt just like that. My grandmother told her what they needed to do, stuff they needed to be taking home. And I didn’t know her from the time I came. I was just going to have a relationship with that.
Barry Farmer (08:40.418)
the
Barry Farmer (08:44.702)
Absolutely. So I grew up in kinship care, which is another form of foster care. And it felt just like foster care because my grandmother Cora was the one that came to step in and take me home. And I didn’t know her from a pan of kink. I think not anywhere. We didn’t really have a relationship at all. I don’t remember meeting this woman until she showed up one day. And I was like…
Courtney (09:06.673)
Wow.
Barry Farmer (09:12.386)
who is this and what are y ‘all trying to do here right now? Because I was living with my aunt and my aunt was on a mission to get my sisters out of foster care and same genders can’t share a bedroom or a bed. So in order for them to come with her, I had to leave. And my aunt is actually my mother’s sister. So she reached out to my grandmother who is my father’s mother.
Travis (09:15.062)
Probably.
Courtney (09:16.229)
out.
Courtney (09:23.173)
and things that can share a very long or a very short order.
Travis (09:31.83)
Hmm.
Courtney (09:37.381)
So.
Barry Farmer (09:41.698)
And she was like, you know, Ms. Cora, I have your grandson here. I’m trying to get a sister. Would you consider, you know, taking him in with you so I can get a sister? And she was like, yeah. And my grandmother was an empty nest. Like she hadn’t had kids in years. Like years. So for her to, you know, step back into parenthood after such a long time and.
Travis (09:58.39)
Hmm.
Courtney (09:59.813)
So for her to, you know, set back into parenthood after a somewhat long time, and you know, if I almost started having some trouble over, but I was like four, five, nine, nine, five at the time, then when I think about it, like, she could have had to do it, you know, if she sure had. It could have been, you know, you see them, and the guy had to figure out how to get the girl back to her own, and everything. But she was like, yeah, I would do it, and…
Barry Farmer (10:07.33)
You know, it’s almost started starting completely over because that was like four going on five at the time and I was and when I think about it, like she did not have to do it, you know, it could have been no, you keep them and then you have to figure out how to get the girls on your own type of thing. But she was like, yeah, I would do it. And I my aunt had to promise me she would see me before I went because I was not happy.
Travis (10:13.686)
Hmm.
Travis (10:19.35)
Sure.
Barry Farmer (10:36.322)
about the situation and my aunt told me she was like if you go I promise you I will come and get you every weekend if you go and I guess it was like a little more convincing and I did you know and I went and my aunt came and picked me up every weekend for five years straight until I was like on my own having friends in the neighborhood going different places.
Travis (10:37.366)
Hmm.
Courtney (10:43.653)
Committed.
Travis (10:57.91)
Wow.
Barry Farmer (11:03.17)
She got to my grandmother’s house every weekend to pick me up with my sisters and we would go back to her house for the weekend.
Travis (11:11.446)
Hmm, yeah.
Barry Farmer (11:12.29)
gets committed and that’s how I learned to like keep promises like my sons will tell you I’ve never broke a promise to them if I say I promise you this is going to happen you need to believe that it’s going to happen and I learned that from my aunt yeah.
Courtney (11:12.677)
Ugh.
Courtney (11:24.053)
Thank you.
Travis (11:24.894)
Hmm wow that’s very cool
Courtney (11:28.933)
Yeah. Are you still fostering today? no. Okay. It’s good to know.
Barry Farmer (11:32.066)
no. I’m retired.
Travis (11:33.974)
no, I’m retired, nice. Done your time, huh?
Barry Farmer (11:38.21)
I am retired. I think after my last adoption, then I did it. I had a kinship placement with my god sons. So I was up to like five boys in the home at one time by myself. So I was like, okay, yeah, we’re gonna shut that on down. And we’re just gonna have these kids right here, because this is a lot. But I enjoyed having them with me too.
Courtney (11:51.653)
Ha!
Barry Farmer (12:05.378)
with my boys, because all of them thought of each other as brothers anyway. So, you know, it was just a house full of guys. It was like a little mini miniature frat house or something. Just playing video games and farting and eww, eww, you can’t see all that crap, bro. You know, with that, I cannot say I don’t miss it, but even with my health right now,
Courtney (12:17.381)
Yeah.
Travis (12:17.846)
Ha ha!
Courtney (12:23.141)
Heheheheh
Travis (12:23.638)
Right. I got that. Yep.
Barry Farmer (12:33.794)
I’m suffering from heart failure right now, so I don’t think for me that would be a good place to be at the moment. I’m really getting back to focusing on myself, really, because my two older sons, they have moved on, moved out the house, and I’m back to one, which I am really enjoying. Right now, I’m really enjoying that right now.
Travis (12:55.254)
Yeah.
Barry Farmer (12:59.874)
you know, and hopefully to be an empty nest by 42, which is going to be amazing. Amazing. So yeah, I like the advocacy part of it because it still lets me be involved. It still lets me share my experience to help others try to figure things out. I mean, I’ve helped friends figure things out to become foster parents and adoptive parents.
Courtney (13:05.349)
That’s good.
Travis (13:20.662)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (13:27.522)
parents from foster care arrive. They come to my home and sit and chat and they look at the boys and we talk about the possibilities of what adoption and foster care looks like in the home and why certain things will play out the way they will.
Travis (13:46.902)
Sure. Well, you know, in your interview with today, you said about one of your earliest foster placements who would go on to become your son. And this is your quote. This child in my head is black. When I got there, he was just the whitest white child that I ever worked with. I thought, wow, is this going to be interesting because I have no clue what I’m doing. I laughed out loud when I read that, partly because I love the realness and the honesty there.
Courtney (13:49.893)
You know, in your interview with today, you said about one of your earliest thoughts of playing a man, you would go on to become this child. And this is your quote, this child in my head is black. When I got there, he was just the whitest white child that I ever worked with. I thought, wow, is this gonna be interesting because I have no clue what I’m doing. I laughed out loud when I read that quote because I love the realness and the honesty there.
Barry Farmer (14:04.098)
Thank you.
Travis (14:15.926)
And again, back to, you know, this is a unique episode where the three of us kind of experience and kind of talk about that cross racial lines of adoption. So in fact, when I look at my story, we have Norwegian ancestry. I’ve got a great grandpa called Ingvald and then my son Dre. So I got to be the first family tree that’s got an Ingvald and a Dre on the same family tree.
Courtney (14:16.133)
And again, back to this is a unique episode where the three of us kind of experience and kind of talk about that cross racial lines of adoption. So in fact, when I look at my story, we have Norwegian ancestry. I’ve got a great grandpa called King Bald and then my son, Dre. So I’ve got to be the first family to have a King Bald and a Dre on the same family. But anyway, more into your story, what has been your experience with trans -discracial adoption?
Travis (14:39.062)
But anyway, more into your story. What has been your experience with transit racial adoption, both the beautiful and kind of some of the challenging.
Courtney (14:44.869)
Both are beautiful and kind of sing a challenge. The challenge was…
Barry Farmer (14:47.666)
The challenge was being afraid to mess up. Like when I say I had never worked with a white child before until I met my son at that table. I was used to working in the inner city, African American children all day, every day. Even the childcare center I was at, there were no white kids there. So it was really outside of my comfort zone.
Courtney (15:01.861)
I was just working in the city, and I was in the American Serpent Hall, and they had a really good chat room, and I was like, there was no way, no way it was there. So, it was really outside of my comfort zone. When I was even in our property, I bought the things, I didn’t take a block for sale, I only got it. I left all of them open, I got them open for sale. Because I knew it was a dream, a life.
Barry Farmer (15:17.346)
When I, even when I applied to be a foster parent, I didn’t check a box that says only black kids. I left all of them open over there. I’m open to everything, you know, because I feel like it would be a learning experience for the both of us anyway. And, you know, the challenge was, you know, I was really, really scared that I would just, I hope I don’t damage this kid emotionally any type of ways or anything like that.
Courtney (15:31.553)
And then, you know, they’ll provide actual different advice, getting that haircut, but they’ll work it through.
Barry Farmer (15:46.082)
And then, you know, there was like cultural differences like getting that haircut. that was a time. That was a time. Because I tried to avoid that part until one day we went to go do laundry. It was just me and him. And he rode past the window of the laundromat and I caught a glimpse of his head and he had cut his bangs. And it was not good.
Travis (15:53.814)
That was…
Courtney (16:09.061)
I went for this year, just had a band, and it was not good.
Barry Farmer (16:13.73)
And now we gotta go to the barbershop and I gotta figure out what to say to them when I get there because as an African American at the time I had like a low cut and I can go in and I can just sit in a chair and say give me an even and they’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. And I go to super cuts with the kid and they’re like, well do you want a three cent?
Travis (16:14.806)
Ha ha.
Travis (16:40.182)
Ha ha ha.
Barry Farmer (16:43.042)
three inches off the side, something on the top, how much, I was like, lady. I pulled out a picture of Justin Bieber, I’m like, make him look like this.
Travis (16:52.118)
Make him look like this. That’s hilarious.
Barry Farmer (16:55.842)
I don’t know what the hell you’re.
Courtney (16:58.533)
Yeah.
Travis (17:00.246)
man, that is too –
Courtney (17:02.053)
That is funny. And it’s funny. It’s eye opening to me too, because I don’t think of that side of it. You know, I think as a white mom to black boys and girls, I think about the hair stuff a lot, you know, and it’s so different, but I have never thought about the other way around how different it is for you as well. Yeah.
Travis (17:06.87)
Yeah. Yeah.
Barry Farmer (17:14.498)
Yeah, yeah, it was I had no clue what to say and then I had just started working like with a colleague that was white because I never really worked with companies that were white before and I had to ask and I was like so when you go And there was a fever I said Do you say what do I say because I want him to look like that for a little while and she would let you told me exactly what to say I said, okay moving on what about clothes because I?
Travis (17:20.438)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (17:44.834)
I don’t want him walking around looking like me per se. I want him to fit the culture or whatever it’s supposed to be. You should go to Once Upon a Child and that sort of thing. I’ve seen that story before. I never stopped putting that. But it was asking questions. I wanted to make sure that he was comfortable from wherever he came from. He came from a white family. He was placed with a white family.
Travis (18:01.814)
Haha, right.
Barry Farmer (18:14.805)
with me. So, you know, I just wanted to make sure I continued to have him connected that way. Anyway, that will make him feel comfortable. Now, I’m not gonna lie, I burnt them a few times at the beach, forgot the sunscreen. I was like, yeah, that’s right, you need sunscreen, because he was a really pale little fella. And I was like, okay. So, you know.
Travis (18:15.99)
Hmm.
Travis (18:24.694)
Hmm.
Courtney (18:29.669)
Yeah.
Travis (18:29.91)
That’s a new thing, yeah. Yeah.
Travis (18:39.765)
Yeah.
Barry Farmer (18:42.388)
Those were learning curves for the both of us. He definitely reminded me from then on because he it was really bad. I was kind of scared. I was like, it smokes. Because I didn’t understand until one day we were walking in the store and I touched the show. I come this way and he fell out like that. He know he fell out. I was like, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it still hurting. So, you know, those type of things. Yeah.
Travis (18:59.72)
-huh.
Travis (19:04.31)
man.
Yeah, that’s gosh. I like you’re saying Courtney from the other side that we as you know, white people don’t think of those things that you would then face then being an African -American guy within a white son. I was going to ask you to like, so I’ve got, you know, a friend, a couple that are African -American friends of ours that are fostered and you know, I just know that when they’ve had white children out in the community with them and stuff like that, like because that’s not the, I mean, I think as white people,
Courtney (19:08.261)
Yeah.
Barry Farmer (19:18.291)
Mm -hmm.
Courtney (19:26.981)
I just know that when they’ve had white children.
Courtney (19:34.085)
I mean, I think it’s white people. It’s common for others to say, you have African -Americans with us. Well, they’re Bocca fans. But maybe from your experience, that’s been a little different. I know it’s certainly, as it’s my friend’s, it’s like even just people working differently at that or whatever, in a good way, in a challenging way as well. But just breaking mis -ingestions there. Yeah.
Travis (19:35.414)
It’s common for others to say, you have African -American kids with us. Well, they’re foster parents or whatever, but maybe from your experience, that’s been a little different. I know it certainly has been for my friends of like, even just people looking differently at that or whatever, in a good way, in a challenging way as well of like, this is breaking misconceptions of stereotypes.
Barry Farmer (19:39.219)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (19:53.298)
Well, you know, I have my friends too that are fellow influencers and whatnot and I hear them tell their stories about being stopped or having the police called on them and things like that and I take a step back I’m like, I’m glad that never happened to me because I don’t think I’m gonna handle it too well.
Courtney (20:10.725)
I don’t think that’s going to work too well.
Travis (20:14.39)
Yeah.
Sure, yeah. Yeah.
Barry Farmer (20:22.194)
think my sons would handle it too well either. They don’t play about me. So if you’re trying to take them away from me, you are going to have help from four people coming from all the directions that you wanted. You need to mind your business.
Courtney (20:27.749)
Take them away from me. You’re going to have to go from four.
Courtney (20:35.637)
And that’s so hard to real and I think that even showcases a little bit when we look at where we’re at in this country of race and making progress towards kind of these spaces, but that’s a space that certainly has kept me up to do for the public eye.
Travis (20:35.862)
Yeah. And, and that’s so honest and real. And I think that even showcases a little bit when we look at where we’re at in this country with race and, and making progress towards kind of these spaces that like, that’s a space that certainly has catching up to do for the public eye where it’s like, that’s yeah.
Barry Farmer (20:52.305)
And you know, I’m really surprised it’s never happened to me. I think it was only one time I was worried about it happening was when we were invited by, I believe it was Disney, to come to California. And none of us had never rode a plane before. This was an experience for all of us to travel very far away from home and have this experience. But I was like, if I walk through this airport,
Courtney (20:59.077)
I was like, if I walk through this airport, I’m not sure I’d say we’re good.
Barry Farmer (21:18.705)
and somebody try to play with me. I was like, this is gonna be a whole different news story right now. So, you know, and I was really surprised we made it all the way there. We made it all the way back home. Nobody bothered us. Nobody bothers us here. Nobody’s ever stopped us here and said, hey, are you okay? Do you know him? No, nobody ever did. And I live in Virginia. You know, that’s the complexity.
Travis (21:21.109)
Yeah, not going good.
Travis (21:27.318)
Yeah.
Courtney (21:30.757)
Yeah. Yeah.
Travis (21:39.99)
Yeah, something like that. Right, sure. Yeah, for sure. Yes, yeah. A lot happened recently in Virginia, yep.
Barry Farmer (21:46.928)
Yeah, the capital of the United States. Right, so I’m like, I am, I was, you know, when I hear my other friends talk about it and witness it for myself, I’m like, wow, this, I mean, I’m glad it wasn’t me.
Courtney (21:56.581)
witnesses on my phone.
Courtney (22:01.925)
Yeah. Yeah.
Travis (22:02.518)
Yeah. Well, thanks for telling us a sort of taking us inside from that perspective from you and there. Yeah.
Barry Farmer (22:07.76)
Mm -hmm.
Courtney (22:10.245)
Yeah, we get a lot of questions. I mean, we have Hispanic kids, black kids, white kids, and a big family. But the funniest thing for me is my oldest, he’s black, he’s adopted from Ethiopia, he’s 22. And I was just visiting him in South Carolina, and our waitress asked if I was his girlfriend. And we’ve gotten that quite a bit. I’m like, okay, I still got it a little bit. I’m 40 years old.
Barry Farmer (22:21.967)
Well done.
Barry Farmer (22:28.367)
Hahahaha!
Travis (22:29.342)
Yeah, I still got a little take that as a compliment.
Barry Farmer (22:33.679)
Hahaha!
Courtney (22:36.869)
Yeah, it cracks me up every time. Well, shifting topics a little bit, you talked about being an advocate and what led you to becoming that advocate and really being outspoken and a proponent for fostering and adoption.
Barry Farmer (22:42.158)
Well, I kind of stumbled upon that too. What had happened the first go -round with the media is one of the workers for my sons came and she was like, you know, people need to hear from you because I’ve talked to you a lot and you know, and your family, I want to tell you now, it’s very unique because we were sitting…
You know, by the time the media got their hands on us, we’d already been a family for at least six years, minding our business and, you know, just living everyday life. And so that one local news story turns into this big thing. And what I’m talking about is foster care, the joys of foster care, the joys of being a father, adopting older children from foster care, you know, and just…
It’s a little short excerpt of shining the light on something. Of course everybody sees the picture and they’re like, well, how did this happen? That type of thing, you know? And I’m like, well, this is really about children in general. You know, we’re talking about, you know, when you think about foster care adoption and how it’s done and how it somewhat has to be done, we have children on TV begging for families.
Courtney (23:54.597)
When you think about how far the deal has gone and how it’s done.
Courtney (24:03.077)
We have children on TV, veggies, and… …family.
Barry Farmer (24:08.396)
in America.
Why do we have that? Why must a child strip away what is vulnerable to them, which is their privacy, and say, hey, I’m just looking for another chance to have a family? And I was like, well, what if people like you and me, and we just try to speak for them, because then they really can’t articulate. They’re going to end up saying things that they think people want to hear in order to.
Courtney (24:17.381)
way they’re born.
Courtney (24:22.405)
I’m just looking for another team to have a chance to work with. And I was like, well, what if people like you just knew and just started to keep forging? Because then they really can’t articulate. They’re going to end up saying things that people want to hear in order to grab their attention. They’re a spy. And they’re trying to be open, but they don’t know exactly the right words to say. So that’s when I would answer, like, I can’t do anything like that.
Barry Farmer (24:40.044)
grab their attention and they’re shy and they’re trying to be open but they don’t know exactly the right words to say type of thing. So that’s why I feel like I come in and I’m like hey this is why you should do it because John can’t speak the words that he wants to speak because he’s so distracted by life right now and wondering what’s gonna happen from day to day and why this is happening and where is it.
Courtney (24:52.996)
This is why you need to do it, because Don can’t see the words that you want to say. So he’s talking about why Brian and I are in Wonderland for some time, and he’s saying that why is this happening? Why doesn’t this person want to go? Why doesn’t this person come to the funeral? But then they don’t come back anymore. And there are many people who came on their behalf today. They probably will be okay with the problems that we’ve been dealing with.
Travis (25:00.95)
Mm -hmm.
Barry Farmer (25:05.931)
Why doesn’t this person want me? Why does this person keep coming to see me, but then they don’t come back anymore? Type of thing. And they need people to speak on their behalf to say, they probably will be okay in your home. You just need to give them an opportunity to show you that you can’t be scared of what may happen until you give them an opportunity to see what happens. And that’s when I feel like when I do things like this and do things like other media sources and whatnot, even on my own radio show.
Travis (25:10.998)
Hmm.
Travis (25:21.142)
Hmm.
Courtney (25:21.989)
And that’s when I feel like I need things like this and these things like other media for it to work. Even on my own road, you know, going out to the streets and talking to the people around me because the voices of the people on the radio. And you know, you get to see them, but you get to hear them. So, you know, I think…
Barry Farmer (25:35.883)
going advocacy, we partnered with Virginia Kids Belong to put the voices of the children on the radio. So you know you get to see them, but you did get to hear them during the National Foster Care Month. So I think being an advocate, it kind of helps give them the words that they can’t say themselves.
Travis (25:44.598)
Mm -hmm.
Hmm.
Courtney (25:50.917)
being an advocate at a time that is not just in the world.
Courtney (25:57.701)
I love that. And, you know, some people probably don’t recognize if you look at America’s Kids Belongs logo, it’s actually a person, a kid in the middle, and it has these call outs, speech bubbles of that is our passion is to let their voices be heard and share those voices that are unheard and really just waiting for those families or waiting in foster care, struggling in their situations.
Barry Farmer (26:07.178)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (26:15.082)
Right.
Thank you.
Right. Because the way I explain it, you’re talking about individuals. They all live in a situation that they did not create and they did not ask for. And you’re expecting them to be OK with it, and they’re not OK. And I know that feeling because I was in that situation. Living in a situation that I did not ask for and I did not create. You brought me here. So it’s like, somebody help me. Somebody’s either there for me type of deal.
Travis (26:29.142)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Travis (26:33.974)
Right.
Hmm.
Travis (26:42.606)
Yeah. Hmm.
Travis (26:49.75)
That’s, that’s a haunting line. Somebody help me. Wow. That’s just, that’s it right there. So you know, I’m sure there’s been ways, you know, through the years now, your journey, then fostering, then adoption that really has grown you personally in ways and speak a little to that. Like what, how have you grown from this and what has it taught you even about yourself?
Barry Farmer (26:52.04)
Mm.
Barry Farmer (27:12.328)
Well, you know, I would say, honestly, my family growing up, we weren’t a very affectionate group of people. And one thing I know for sure that my oldest son taught me was what genuine love from someone that is around you every day feels like. And there are the hugs and the I love yous and thoughtful gifts for no reason and the, there are the…
Courtney (27:23.301)
And one thing I…
Courtney (27:27.525)
But then you want the love from someone that is going on together.
Barry Farmer (27:42.119)
the just the bonding of it all. It was so different for me that something I did not experience growing up. And I, you know, once he was showing me what he needed and how he, his love language of how he liked to be treated. I mean, he was so simple, but it was like the simple things made him happy. And I was like, but this kid, like, and I said this about all of my boys. I’m like, who wouldn’t want to wake up to this face right here? Like, how could you walk away?
Courtney (27:42.757)
So, the bondage of it all, it was so different from me, something I could not…
Courtney (27:54.149)
I said, Reverend, would you have me like, or would you be treated any of it? Because he was so simple, but it looked like a simple thing. And they come at him and he’s like, the book is here, right? And that’s just about all of my words. He’s like, who wouldn’t want to wake up to this place, right? I mean, how could you walk away from these things? Why would you want to be on these thoughts at these moments? But just, you, just like, you know, this. And he was just this weird kid, I couldn’t understand.
Barry Farmer (28:11.27)
from this, why wouldn’t you want to be around to capture these moments with this sweet child? And he was just the sweetest kid. I couldn’t understand who would want to leave him behind anywhere. And that’s when I knew, I was like, I just have to be the best father to this kid. He deserves it so much. And I wanted to be the father I wish I had. And I think I did a pretty good job of that. He’s 22 now.
Courtney (28:23.525)
Who was born of you?
Barry Farmer (28:40.23)
He’s going, moving on and on. He’s 22 now, but he does express it. He’s like, I’m so glad I have you, and things like that. That just makes me feel good too. It just taught me how to love and what love from a parent should look like and what love from a child should look like. That part, I don’t think you could have taught that in any training or anything like that. That was…
Travis (28:42.39)
haha
Courtney (28:48.453)
Let’s make it a real picture. It just taught me how to love. And just what love and a home could look like. What love could sound so little.
Travis (28:57.718)
Mm -hmm.
Courtney (29:01.285)
that’s probably the most important thing. They have it so organically and they’re just over time.
Travis (29:06.454)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (29:07.238)
They’re having so organically and they were just over time the milestones and watching and being happy and being mad at them. But it was just like the everyday parenting thing that people, you know, some people have just taken for granted. Like from when you walk away from these kids, like you look at them and those and you look at old pictures. Like I look at old pictures of my kids now and I’m like, my babies, like they’re gone.
Travis (29:15.318)
Right?
Travis (29:24.726)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (29:36.933)
But it takes me back to that moment of, gosh, I really loved these kids. My whole world revolved around them. Even in my 20s, my whole world revolved around these kids, and I loved every minute.
Travis (29:37.43)
See you.
Courtney (29:44.709)
Thank you.
Courtney (29:48.997)
whole world.
Travis (29:54.71)
Hmm. That’s so well said, so inspiring and yeah, the lessons of life.
Courtney (29:55.301)
Bye.
Courtney (30:02.821)
It just reminds me too, a lot of people think they have to have it all together or know so much about parenting to step into this. Like my husband, he grew up in an extremely abusive home, so he didn’t know what it was like to have a healthy father and how much he’s been able to shift and turn that around, get his healing first for the most part, and then enter this realm and even be able to connect with the kids too, which I’m sure you have experiences where you can just connect with them differently than maybe me who grew up in a pretty healthy, comfortable lifestyle.
Barry Farmer (30:14.564)
Mm -hmm.
Travis (30:14.902)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (30:17.668)
Right.
Barry Farmer (30:25.188)
Bye.
Barry Farmer (30:31.556)
Mm -hmm.
Travis (30:31.774)
Hmm. Yeah, no, that that’s well said. That makes a lot of sense too, to have that grown compassion from experience to even be more sensitive to look and lean in. Yeah. So true. Well, tell us Barry more about the Barry Farmer Morning Show, some of your other creative work, take us kind of into your world of all that you’re involved with, which is so much cool stuff.
Barry Farmer (30:43.396)
Mm -hmm.
Barry Farmer (30:53.507)
gosh, well this show was created in my mind one day. I was like, okay, I think I want to do radio. I’m pretty fun. And for the most part, like I’m not just the black guy that adopted white kids. I’m actually funny. I like talking to people. I can do other things, you know. And a lot of people thought that it would be a…
Travis (30:58.966)
Hahaha.
Travis (31:11.478)
Hahaha!
Barry Farmer (31:19.234)
Radio show about foster care would not know it’s a morning show we get to talk about anything and everything we are the Goofiest bunch of people that you probably were running to a behind a microphone Along with the other to do morning shows across the country because that’s what you have to have in the morning somebody to wake you up and make you laugh and things like So, you know this show started very Humble, you know, it was just me and one of my co -hosts Sharon at one time
And we actually used to do the show from her kitchen table back in 2019. And we sounded horrible. Like, I was like, we sound crap. But it was one of those things you had to keep working at. We finally got a station to give us a shot at being on every day. And then a few months after that, we decided to send our demos out to a few other stations. And they decided to pick us up as well. And now we’re five years in.
Travis (31:56.822)
Ha ha ha ha.
Barry Farmer (32:16.065)
We’re celebrating five years this year with a nice little anniversary party or whatnot. And, you know, the show is just about everything. We talk about everything under the sun. You know, we try to be family friendly as much as we can. But it’s more about friends sitting around the table just chatting. And then we have guests that come in and they don’t know what to do with us. They’re like, my God, what just happened in here?
Courtney (32:16.645)
celebrate five years.
and the sell is just about…
Travis (32:33.27)
Ha ha ha.
Courtney (32:40.805)
I don’t know what to do with it.
Travis (32:45.238)
Hahaha.
Barry Farmer (32:45.857)
You know and it’s more of a you know being there for the community we show up a lot in the community here in Richmond Like I said just even for me reaching out to Virginia kids belong and say hey I got in happy you want to hear about it? It’s very quick. You know just to you know Make sure that we are community involved and we’re not just sitting here in our studios Just thinking of goofy things to say but that we’re actually getting out there in community
Courtney (32:59.109)
again.
Travis (33:01.622)
Hmm.
Barry Farmer (33:13.408)
and saying groovy things in the community and just doing our part and making sure that we are highlighting different things. Not only do we highlight foster care, we highlight every year sickle cell awareness, we highlight every year single parent awareness and bringing them into spaces where they can get the resources that they need by partnering with other nonprofits in the area. So, you know, we…
Travis (33:16.406)
Ha ha ha.
Courtney (33:24.805)
with the resources that we need and partner with other non -participants in this area. So, you know, we pride ourselves on it. We’re not just a one -off that’s coming in and doing a high -profile thing. We do things that are meaningful.
Barry Farmer (33:39.999)
We pride ourselves on that. We’re not just a one -trick pony that can turn on the microphone and say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, but we do things that are meaningful to us in the community.
Travis (33:45.622)
huh huh.
Travis (33:53.494)
Anything else you want to say about any of the resources kind of that you’re also working on for or doing with awareness around foster adoption?
Courtney (33:53.733)
Anything else you want to say about any of the people that are also working on for a career in the program?
Barry Farmer (34:00.735)
What, so for right now, I think I’m on my speaking trip right now. I’m just going from place to place and sharing, being that advocate to share more about adopting older kids that are ages, probably six and up. I’m also still have, I also still have the group, the foster care adoption life talk group. And, you know, people, I started that,
Courtney (34:06.185)
I started this a few years ago and it was a personal but something that I didn’t get.
Travis (34:24.438)
Mm -hmm.
Barry Farmer (34:30.046)
a few years ago and it was just for some of us to come together and just vent a little bit and share because not everyone around us knows understands what’s going on you know they’ll give us a good ol yeah good job keep going you know type of thing but you know when you’re really in the meat of things and you need a little support i figured a group like that along with there are other groups but i felt like our group was like more it’s like the way it gets we’re kind of goofy we just share different things and
Courtney (34:35.773)
you know, when you’re really in the need for support. I think that I would like that along with that other group.
I just like to make it a kind of sweet thing. We can just share different opinions and talk about different questions and things like that. So, you know, that’s part of one of the e -bots that I made an elephant years ago. But other than that, I definitely like to think about learning. So, we have time spread over and I’ll just wait and for it.
Barry Farmer (34:59.805)
talk about different placements and things like that. So, you know, it’s, that’s probably one of the resources I’m glad I made. And that was like years ago. But other than that, I’m just, I guess I’m on my speaking trail right now. I’m just trying to spread that word about kids waiting for adoption and foster care.
Travis (35:19.862)
Very cool. So is there any like one website where listeners can follow you or obviously we can put links to the radio show and then any of these other like the support community.
Courtney (35:20.421)
Yeah. Love it. Yeah, you’ve got it down.
Barry Farmer (35:31.485)
Absolutely. So like as I say on my show, if you’re looking for me, you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I am Barry Farmer and if you need extra dose, you can always visit BarryFarmer .com.
Barry Farmer (35:48.381)
Hahaha!
Travis (35:48.918)
Ha ha.
Courtney (35:52.133)
Well, thank you for joining us today. This has been You Are Fun. So it’s good.
Barry Farmer (35:54.013)
Thank you. See, I’ve been trying to tell people.
Travis (35:55.99)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I feel like when you say you’re fun, you have to deliver because there’s some pressure and you delivered. I mean, you backed it up. You were fun. This was a lot of fun.
Barry Farmer (36:04.605)
Yeah.
Courtney (36:09.412)
Yeah.
Barry Farmer (36:09.916)
Thank you.
Travis (36:11.638)
Thanks for being on today.
Barry Farmer (36:12.891)
no problem anytime. I’ll see you at the webinar again.
Travis (36:17.334)
Yes indeed.
