Episode 11 – What It’s Like Being a Teenager in Foster Care with Britt Kelley

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Brian Mavis (00:01.192)
Hello, Foster Friendly Community, I’m Brian Mavis.

Travis (00:04.429)
I’m Travis Vongness.

Brian Mavis (00:06.216)
So that’s how you say your last name, okay, this time, Travis. So I’m excited about our guest today. It’s Britt Kelly, and Britt, she is a teammate of ours and just a fantastic advocate for youth and foster care and foster and adoptive families. She’s got kind of that magnetic connector quality about her. But the thing that we were wanting to focus on today,

Travis (00:09.9)
this time.

Brian Mavis (00:35.784)
and what gives her a kind of a unique authority is Britt is a former foster youth alumni and we’re going to be focusing today with Britt on teens in foster care. So Britt, welcome. And once you start with, first of all, before we go into the heavy deep stuff of teens in foster care, just tell us a little bit about yourself today.

Who are you? What’s your family life like that kind of stuff? What do you like to do?

Britt Kelley (01:10.22)
Thanks for having me here. I live in Colorado, right at the foothills of the mountains. I have…

Brian Mavis (01:19.176)
That doesn’t suck, no, right?

Britt Kelley (01:20.844)
No, it doesn’t. There’s plenty of trails out in the community. I’m still in a metro area, but just so much nature to get out into and that’s one of my favorite things to do. I’m married. I have a husband who puts up with me and four kids who I, four boys actually, and I put up with them. So.

Brian Mavis (01:42.088)
for voice. Yes.

Travis (01:43.052)
Ooh.

Britt Kelley (01:46.541)
So I’m always busy, but if we can get outside in the Colorado mountains, that’s what we’re gonna do.

Brian Mavis (01:53.352)
Yeah, well, we love having you nearby. Sounds like a pretty good life you got right now. So, Britt, as I just said to our audience, let them know you are a foster youth alumni, and that’s kind of the verbage they use. How old were you when you entered the foster care system?

Britt Kelley (02:19.34)
the date that I entered into the foster care system, but I know that it was like days after I turned 16. I had just…

Brian Mavis (02:25.384)
Okay, so you were older foster care or kind of a foster youth, but Travis, you looked up a little bit about the number of teens in foster care. What have you discovered?

Travis (02:40.205)
Yeah. Yeah, it’s really, it kind of surprised me because if we know that, you know, nationally at any time there’s around 400 ,000 kids in foster care, there’s kind of some statistics around saying at least up to 35 % of kids in care are ages 11 and up, typically up to 18. Some states it’s 21 to age out, but yeah. So if you think about, you know, 30 plus percent out of 400 ,000, that’s a lot of teenagers.

Brian Mavis (03:01.256)
Brian Mavis (03:06.664)
Yeah, so we’ve got a lot of teens and they’re considered typically and I think unfairly hard to place whether it’s placing the foster families or if they need permanency in some other way. So Britt, let’s go back and look at you just turning 16 and being placed into foster care. Go back a little bit before then. Tell us.

Tell us a little bit again what you feel appropriately transparent to share. A little bit about that season in your life and maybe it was years that you want to cover and summarize. And then about what it was like to actually go into foster care.

Britt Kelley (03:57.772)
I think that when I was born, my parents were married and I don’t think their relationship was as strong as it could have been.

But they ended up getting divorced before I remember them being married. I can’t remember a time they weren’t divorced. And I spent a lot of time with my mom, primarily with my mom, and I’d go on the weekends to visit my dad. And that was my life for a long time, and I was very content and happy in that.

the split households, the shared time with different parents and things were good. I had a lot of family around me outside of my parents. I have a blended family, so my father was married prior and his previous wife, who he had children with, was a big support in my life growing up and she would…

always be there for me as a motherly figure.

And as life progressed for my parents, things got a little rougher for them. My dad became addicted to drugs. My mother was in unstable relationships. And eventually my mom met my stepdad. We moved to Colorado. I lived in California. And that’s kind of…

Britt Kelley (05:28.652)
at that time of my life. I was in about first grade.

So about six years old, that’s when things started to just kind of shift the precipice, if you will, of coming to Colorado, being separated from my dad, but it was at that same time he went into prison. So I didn’t have a support system from my father. I had a new father figure in my life, my stepdad and my mom, and we were separated from any family.

when we came here to Colorado. So that’s when things started to change where I had strict rules. I had a lot of abuse and neglect that I would experience. And that was, you know, at the age of six and it went on until I went into foster care. There would be like periods of time in my life where, you know,

things were kind of status quo, they were normal. Maybe in my eyes they were a bit normal where I was like, well, I’m not getting in trouble that often. Like I only get grounded for this or that, or I only get punished for this or that, but it’s not really bad. And then there were moments where it was some of the worst times that I remember in my life where I would…

get harsh punishment where I would experience the abuse, but that it wasn’t only physical abuse. A lot of the abuse I experienced was emotional abuse. And so that is what really…

Travis (07:07.98)
Hmm.

Britt Kelley (07:11.788)
like eight away at who I was as a person by experiencing just language over and over again telling me of what my value was and it wasn’t a high value. And what I was good for was to help around the house and to do the chores and to be quiet and not to be bothersome. And then if I push those limits, then I would experience physical abuse.

And so, I mean, I guess that’s a whole decade of having, if you think about 6 to 16, it’s a whole decade of experiencing a lot of hardship.

Brian Mavis (07:47.208)
Mm -hmm.

Brian Mavis (07:53.448)
Did that feel to you like this is what normal life is like? This is what all kids go through? Or did you sense like something’s not right?

Britt Kelley (08:05.068)
For a long time I thought it was normal. I would say for years I thought it was normal.

And it wasn’t until I was able to spend time with friends. And oftentimes, if things were good, I’d get to go to a sleepover at a friend’s house. And I would do everything in my power to make that sleepover lengthy. So I’m going to ride the school bus home to a friend’s house on a Friday night, and I would be staying until a Sunday.

Brian Mavis (08:29.128)
Yeah.

Travis (08:29.708)
Hmm.

Britt Kelley (08:38.636)
just so that I could have that freedom, that sense of freedom. And I kind of realized through observing other families and observing, maybe saying a few things here or there and getting reactions from people of like, this doesn’t happen in my house. Getting that understanding that like things aren’t normal. When I became a teenager,

Travis (08:40.525)
Ahem.

Brian Mavis (08:55.016)
Mm -hmm.

Travis (09:01.164)
Hmm. Yeah.

Britt Kelley (09:05.292)
I would say that’s when I started realizing that this is not, this is unjust and this isn’t something that I should have to deal with and I was becoming more of my own person and more understanding more about myself as I grew into my own personhood as a teenager that I started realizing what is happening is wrong.

Travis (09:32.909)
Yeah, I, and then just like, I’m trying to imagine, I mean, and having been then going into foster care, like that experience of the entry point, the day, the removal, however, all that looks for everyone’s story that plays out, but specifically as a teenager then, I mean, just with how the insecurity of being a teenager and I mean, it’s, it’s just a crazy vulnerable time. So then to on top, now you’re entering foster care. I mean, what, what, what was even,

Memories around like that going into care.

Britt Kelley (10:07.948)
when you’re experiencing all these things and realizing that they’re not right, your natural reaction, well my natural reaction was that it was something to be ashamed of. I was ashamed of my family, I was ashamed of myself, and entering into foster care was a huge relief that I felt this pressure, this…

suffocating in the house that I was in. But when I left, that weight came off of me. I appreciated being removed from my home and being placed outside of my home.

But with that caveat of it was a good thing for me to go into foster care, but I felt so much shame that I’d already understood that I was a bad kid, right? And that’s how I thought that I was because that’s what I was being told. And then this is not right, this is not normal.

And I don’t want anybody to know about this. I don’t want anybody to know that I’m in foster care. I don’t want people to know that my family is jacked up. Like I don’t want anybody to know about it because it’s embarrassing to me. And it’s, it’s a grief as well. Like you’re experiencing this active grief when you enter into foster care. And if you don’t know how to process through that, I mean, I don’t, I can’t say who would know how to process through that by themselves. You do the best you can to,

Brian Mavis (11:17.384)
Thank you.

Brian Mavis (11:22.824)
and

Britt Kelley (11:45.26)
Get rid of it, suppress it, ignore it.

Brian Mavis (11:49.736)
That man, that is so good and good for I think perspective and current foster families, adults to take a moment to put themselves in your shoes and a teenager’s shoes, a youth’s no matter their age and you know, feel that, feel the shame and the mixed emotions of relief but also,

Now you’ve got this new situation that also feels not natural. Brett, I really don’t know. We talked a few times, but I haven’t really got into this. And again, I want to respect your boundaries on transparency. I don’t know. Did you go into a foster family that was…

healing and nurturing and safe or was it not a good experience? What happened when you were in foster care? Did you get bounced around? Did you stay in one place?

Britt Kelley (12:58.188)
I was removed at night and so the night that I was removed I was able to go stay with a friend. It was actually a friend who was over 18 and she was the one who called the police that was the catalyst for me being removed. So I was able to stay with her for a day but for some reason my family got to dictate where I would go.

Brian Mavis (13:03.656)
Mm -hmm.

Travis (13:26.093)
Hmm.

Britt Kelley (13:26.604)
So maybe you would call it a kinship placement, but it wasn’t kinship because I was a friend of my parents, a single dad with two teenagers brought me into his home. And so I spent…

couple of weeks there, but he traveled for work, so I was left alone with two other teenagers. They definitely enjoyed not having a parent around, so it was kind of this, okay, this is where I’m at now and you know…

Brian Mavis (13:53.64)
All right.

Travis (13:54.445)
That sounds great.

Brian Mavis (14:02.952)
Okay.

Britt Kelley (14:08.268)
There was definitely a sense of freedom that I felt when I entered into foster care, but then I also didn’t have control and I didn’t like that I didn’t have control. And I also just was once again, like, this isn’t right. Like they shouldn’t get to say where I’m going. And this, this is like not a good place for me to be. This is, there’s people coming in and out of this house. And so I,

advocated for myself. I didn’t talk to a caseworker. I didn’t actually know that I had a caseworker, but I told my friend who then made sure that she advocated for me and told them about the situation I was in. So then I was removed from that home and I don’t know how long I was there. A few weeks, maybe a month, I was moved into a foster home. A nice family that lived about

45 minutes away from where I was attending high school in the same county, but I was in the mountains so it took a while to get from one place to the other. And they were a nice family. They were very kind, but I didn’t spend a whole lot of time there. I spent a few months there and that really wasn’t enough time for me to get to know them, for me to…

Brian Mavis (15:11.048)
wow.

Britt Kelley (15:32.588)
form any bonds or attachments. They had two children that were…

originated in their family and then they had a boy that would come in and out so when I came from the foster care system So when I came in there he Was not there I was sleeping in this one bedroom and then he came back into the home They moved me to another bedroom because he was going to be a little bit more permanent there and they were like this is his room We want to give him his room back So that was good to be there, but it was so strain on me because I was in after -school

programs. I was in the school musical. I needed to get late night practices and it’s 45 minutes away. I’d have to wake up super early to get to school. It was not ideal but in that time that I was in that foster home, my friend who was over 18 who had called CPS which elicited my removal,

Brian Mavis (16:33.608)
huh.

Britt Kelley (16:36.268)
Her dad who I was close to that family that those were one of the families that I would go and stay like in the summer times I’d stay like weeks if I could Over the school year. I’d stay like all weekend if I could and so I was close with with her family so her dad got a certification a kinship certification and then I Moved into his home and that was the last place that I was in

Brian Mavis (16:42.408)
Mm -hmm.

Travis (16:42.519)
Hmm. Cool.

Brian Mavis (17:02.664)
Okay, so for our listeners who may not be aware, this idea of a kinship certification, this might be considered a non -traditional kinship. You typically think of kin as being relatives, aunts and uncles and grandparents. So there is this space in foster care where it’s sometimes referred to as…

non -traditional kinship and that’s somebody who’s not a traditional relative but they are they have a relationship with with the youth so it could be a coach it could be a friend’s parents a teacher bus driver I mean just somebody who’s got a relationship so and a lot of times that really helps with that transition because you’re not living

with someone who’s a complete stranger that you’re trying to know. So, Brett, again, for our listeners, would you, like, no matter the age, I mean, you were a teenager, but if it was a youth that was younger or whatever, are there, like, what would you say would be what makes for, from a youth’s perspective,

What makes for a good foster family and I’m going to put it in two parts. What makes for a good transition into foster family, like the first few days, the first week that would be helpful to a foster youth. And then more long -term, what is a key characteristic of a foster family that would…

be good for a foster youth no matter their age.

Britt Kelley (19:00.492)
I think when you enter into foster care, it’s chaotic, it’s traumatic, you might not remember things. So I think it’s important that you establish…

Brian Mavis (19:08.136)
Ahem.

Britt Kelley (19:14.444)
the rules of the house or not so much the rules even, but like, here’s our food, here’s where this is, here’s where the towels are, you know, this is the bathroom that you can take a shower in, feel free to do that whenever you want. Here’s our pantry, feel free to grab a snack whenever you want, here’s some ideas. You know, giving that permission of like, this is for you to use, go ahead and use it. And then continually

Reminding them of those things and in a good way and even with room rules like hey, we like to eat our room rules, but Family rules like we like to eat dinner as a family So in the foster home that I lived in we ate dinner as a family every night and that was something that they did and so And I think that’s important to have those regular times whether that’s eating a meal together or You know something else that you’re doing that is

Brian Mavis (19:45.48)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Travis (19:53.295)
Mm -hmm.

Brian Mavis (19:53.32)
Mm -hmm.

Brian Mavis (20:06.152)
Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (20:14.956)
The word I want to say is it’s predictable, it’s getting together, it’s…

Travis (20:17.519)
Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (20:22.348)
with the intention of building relationships, getting to know each other, just chatting. It doesn’t have to be deep. It can just be eating a meal together. But having those regular rhythms and having this clear understanding, especially not knowing what rhythms that child had prior to coming into care, this is what we do. We sit and we eat dinner together. We try and do this every single night, or we try to do this as much as we can.

Brian Mavis (20:43.656)
Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (20:51.404)
but continuing to reiterate those values of your home, the rules of your home. It doesn’t have to be like, hey, you’re not allowed to do this and you’re not allowed to do that, but just reminders of like, hey, we all try and clean up after dinner together or.

We really like it when we can get our laundry done on a certain day. Like I don’t really care what it is, but the familiarity with the house, knowing that, repeating it, making that child feel welcome. Like this is what you can do, this is what you can do. And then having those regular rhythms in the household that can really help form a sense of belonging in that house.

Travis (21:12.463)
Hmm.

Brian Mavis (21:17.544)
Mm -hmm.

Travis (21:36.399)
Hmm.

Brian Mavis (21:37.304)
that’s so good. Yeah, where you feel, yeah, like you said, you feel like you belong. You’re not, you’re, you’re not the foster kid. You’re a part of the family. I also appreciate just from our own experience, the, your encouragement to keep reminding, it, you know,

Travis (21:44.719)
Mm -hmm.

Brian Mavis (21:58.568)
As foster parents, we were learning like, gosh, kids in foster care, they’re in survival mode and like they’re right now just entering in information on kind of the most important need to know basis. So they’re literally, you could tell them something and they’re telling themselves, is that necessary for survival in this moment? So you might be surprised that you said something and they don’t remember it, but they’re having to be really,

do a lot of triage as far as in their own mind of what matters and what doesn’t matter. That’s really good stuff. And yeah, I hope our listeners who are doing foster care embrace that encouragement to have those rhythms and repeat those rhythms so that kids feel like they belong. That’s so good.

Britt Kelley (22:33.9)
Absolutely.

Travis (22:54.575)
Yeah. And I think too, like, back to the predictability part, I can’t help but always think of part of the difficulty that kids in foster care face is that there’s so much uncertainty swirling around their life. Like, am I going to go home? Am I going to get bounced to another foster home? Am I going to get switched schools? Like everything seemed like it’s always in flux. So there’s something you’re saying powerfully about even just internally in the walls of a house.

Brian Mavis (23:11.112)
Mm -hmm.

Brian Mavis (23:18.312)
Mm -hmm.

Travis (23:23.631)
Creating stability, predictability, helps even shore up some of that just swirling uncertainty that must just feel so like out of control and scary.

So yeah. So moving kind of forward on beyond, you know, really helpful insights you shared of just a general, you know, these are the traits and maybe things that make a good foster parent. What about as a teenager and what kind of things do you feel like maybe teenagers might need differently or that we look at differently with teenagers versus, you know, younger kids or whatever?

Brian Mavis (24:02.536)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (24:07.052)
I did study child development in school, but I don’t remember a whole lot about it, but I Might be getting this extremely wrong But I feel like I was talking earlier about like kind of growing into my own like personhood like I was I was finding my identity I was finding out who I was what I liked what I didn’t like and

Brian Mavis (24:11.516)
laughter

Travis (24:12.047)
No.

Britt Kelley (24:28.972)
and what I wanted for my life, right? Like, I feel like as a teenager, you’re really kind of moving towards adulthood. You still absolutely are not ready to be an adult, still get it wrong along the way, but I believe that it’s some of these experiences that we have as teenagers that help kind of form us into the adult that we’re gonna become. And so, you know, as…

as a parent caring for a teenager, I think it’s helpful to help them navigate through that sense of coming into their own self, making decisions for themselves, but also helping them navigate through the decisions. So I believe that youth in foster care should be a part of the decision -making of their life. But I also believe that they shouldn’t have the last word all the time.

Brian Mavis (25:11.048)
Okay.

Britt Kelley (25:27.246)
that they should have people pouring into them, helping them just look at what are the options of that decision that we’re making. And let’s see, do you wanna change schools? Like, let’s talk about what that would mean. And let’s talk about the goods and the bads. And let me help ask you questions as a teenager to help you kind of have a better informed decision and that you’re not just…

I mean, as a teenager, I knew everything and I just like everything that I wanted to do was right. It was what I should do and really needing people to help me navigate through the decisions that I was making that led to, you know, the trajectory of my life and where that was going to go. So I think it’s important that we help the kids in our care.

Travis (26:00.463)
Never.

Britt Kelley (26:20.236)
as teenagers really navigate through these major life decisions and the minor life decisions, but let them be themselves, embrace their likes, their dislikes, learn about what they like and dislike so that you can level with them better and just better understand where they’re coming from, but helping be a sounding board for them to help make educated decisions.

Travis (26:30.511)
Hmm.

Travis (26:49.647)
I love that really helpful. And it reminds me of another former foster youth. I had talked to you one time and talked about, and you already kind of mentioned this, but this idea that showing, advocating, teaching advocacy also involves, bringing them in on it. So though you might be, then this is very true. They said for teenagers was, well, you may be doing a killer job advocating for them when they don’t get to see and be part of that process for some kids, they don’t.

they don’t even think they’re worth advocating for. When they then are part of it and see you do it with them, it’s also showing them, hey, I do matter and I can stand up for what I want or what I thought was so.

Brian Mavis (27:30.812)
Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (27:31.692)
Yeah, and as a teenager, you know…

I looking back, I don’t want people to let me cannonball into my decisions. Like I want people to help me, you know, is that the decision that you want to make? Well, before we make that final, let’s walk through it. Let’s talk through it. Let’s process it over time. You know, major decisions don’t need to be made at a split, you know, like at the snap of a finger. But really instead of having kids cannonball into those decisions saying, let’s, I hear you. Let’s, let’s,

Brian Mavis (27:57.32)
Mm -hmm.

Britt Kelley (28:06.414)
work through that. What does that look like?

Brian Mavis (28:08.488)
Yeah, I love that. I think too, adults can be better at this than teens as far as helping them think through then the preview of coming attractions. So if you do this, here’s what we can expect will happen down the road. How’s that sound to you? And so, yeah, as adults, helping them think through what…

what will come of those decisions. And then tying them to, you’ve brought this together as well, Britt, tying those decisions to their identities. Not just this is what you do, but this is who you are. And so, does this decision line up with the kind of person you wanna be?

So Britt, let’s go as we begin to land this plane with a question I know you’ve been asked a few times. And that is, what would you tell 16 -year -old Britt Kelly in foster care right now? If you could just go back, speak to her, what would you tell her?

Britt Kelley (29:36.396)
Well, a lot of my abuse stemmed from this concept of not being worthy, of being worthless. And so if I were to chat with her, the 16 year old me, I would tell her that she is worthy. She’s worthy of all the…

the love that she deserves, that she deserves love. She’s worthy of the time and commitment that other people put towards her, that she puts towards herself. I would encourage her to love herself and to love the people around her that are trying to help her. Yeah.

Travis (30:23.6)
home.

Brian Mavis (30:24.328)
That, again, I want our listeners to know that that’s Britt’s unique story and unique message, but I think it applies to so many kids. And so I would take what she said and I would assume that that’s something that your teens that you’re caring for need to hear as well.

Travis (30:52.913)
Hmm. And lived out to do, is we kind of bring this thing to a close and, and, and last thoughts or comments by, by you, Britt. one report I’d read, this is a bit dated. So things are kind of in flux with new legislation in a good way of changing, getting more upstream, more resourcing biofamilies and kind of getting ahead of things. And.

Lots of states are under federal lawsuits over issues with congregate care and such, but it wasn’t very long ago that at least by 2019, 58 % of teens in care were not even living with, only 58 % were living with a family compared to 95 % of kids 12 and under. So that just shows you the disparity of fairly recently, again, some of this is changing, the amount of kids that were then teenagers were not even with a family.

because they were in group homes and they were probably the ones more in emergency settings and child welfare offices and such like that. But wow, does that show you like the nature of needing more foster families, of course, but needing more foster families to step into the space, the what’s perceived as for some a scary space of being a foster parent for teenagers, you know, that’s just, you know, horrifying numbers. So.

Brian Mavis (31:50.248)
So they were like group homes, does that mean?

Travis (32:16.177)
messages and you know, kind of that’s been the theme of this episode, but around calls to action to people listening that how can we engage specifically, whether it’s being foster parents to a higher age range that we thought maybe, or you know, any other things that we want to say around that.

Britt Kelley (32:36.428)
I think that I have teenagers. I’m a mom of littles and a mom of teens and I have to say that teenagers are annoying. They really are. They are annoying, but they’re not scary and honestly the annoyances of them are somewhat endearing and I think that…

Brian Mavis (32:45.736)
Thank you.

Travis (32:45.968)
Hehehehe.

Britt Kelley (33:00.684)
Kids, youth who’ve experienced foster care have a level of empathy, different than a child who maybe had a neurotypical upbringing without any experience of trauma. They really have a connection to a deeper level to other human beings. They have just this fierce love for people who are vulnerable and need help.

Brian Mavis (33:05.8)
Hmm.

Britt Kelley (33:27.404)
And if you had a moment to talk to a teen in foster care or a teen who’d experienced foster care, it doesn’t take long after a conversation to realize, especially when you ask them, what do you care about? What gets your heart stirring? What is it that you find unjust? And when you hear the things that they say, then you’re hearing, wow, like,

Brian Mavis (33:49.288)
Yes.

Britt Kelley (33:56.62)
you’re a really cool person and when we can have adults come into their lives to nurture that person, to help heal that person by giving them the support that they need, the encouragement that they need to find healing through the trauma that they’ve experienced, then they can kind of develop into this person that kind of not only has this great sense of empathy for people, not only has this great sense of caring for people, but then it can help.

launch them into being that person in their community that’s helping others, that’s influencing the people around them in a unique way. So while teenagers are annoying with their slang and their attitude from here to there, honestly when you look at who they really are,

as regular teens, but especially these teens that have experienced foster care, you know that there’s more to it. And so don’t look at the scary, don’t look at the unknown, but instead look at what it is that’s hidden deeper and how can you help nurture that.

Brian Mavis (35:08.488)
No, Brett, that is beautiful. And I mean, that is a great message to end on and also just say to you, I mean, what you just said about them is so true of you. You’ve taken the bruises, you know, the line I like is God uses our bruises in

and you are a very caring, empathetic person and you’ve decided to use that. As Henri Nouwen says, you become a wounded healer yourself, help me heal others. So grateful that we get to work with you and thank you for sharing your wisdom today.

Britt Kelley (36:00.556)
Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Brian Mavis (36:03.656)
All right.

Travis (36:04.528)
Yeah. Thanks for being with us.

Brian Mavis (36:09.128)
Bye, Britt.