Episode 28 – We Don’t Age Out of Needing a Family: Teens in Foster Care with Tracee Rudd

TRANSCRIPT:

Travis (00:02.706)
Welcome to another episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast. I'm Travis Vaughn and this one of your hosts.

Courtney (00:10.39)
And I'm Courtney Williams, another host, joining you today.

Courtney (00:16.194)
I guess it's

Travis (00:17.066)
Let's just redo it. Let's restart. This is great practice. See, this is what we're talking about. Sometimes we mix around the intros. So maybe Courtney wasn't real. I was like handing it there. we'll restart. OK. That's OK. Ready?

Courtney (00:20.366)
No, it's me. I'm just...

Tracee (00:20.546)
Why is this happening?

Courtney (00:29.644)
Yeah.

Travis (00:38.408)
Right. Welcome to another episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast. I'm Travis Vongesness, one of your hosts.

Courtney (00:44.534)
And I'm Courtney Williams, another host joining you today. And today we're excited to be interviewed. One of our very own Tracy Rudd. It's the director, state director of Colorado kids belong. And what some people might not realize when you're listening to this is that America's kids belong is a national organization and that we have state chapters underneath us and Colorado is one of them. So Tracy and her husband, Dave live in Colorado with their one adopted son and one almost adopted daughter. They have a uniquely blended family, which also includes two young adult children.

Their son Nathan came to them through foster care after meeting him at an I Belong video shoot. A few years later, his teenage sister Tally came into their care and now they're in process of adopting her as well. They first became aware of the foster care crisis about eight years ago when they were supporting her brother's family who were foster parents. Tracy leads our Colorado team, which is a chapter of America's Kids Belong and is a visionary, a connector and an amazing leader. Tracy, thank you for taking time out your schedule to join us today on the podcast.

Tracee (01:44.79)
Thank you, happy to be here.

Travis (01:47.914)
Great to have you. So Tracy, before we get more into other things and your insights around foster care, let's first talk about how did you first come on board with Colorado Kids Belong and then what are some of the things your team is working on?

Tracee (02:01.054)
Okay, yeah. I begged for a job. That's how I got involved. So about eight years ago when I was having a conversation with my brother who happens to be friends with Brian Mavis, Brian had shared with Todd about the fact that there was a foster care crisis here in Colorado and my brother's family was working on trying to figure out ways to impact our community after they've been overseas for a little while.

Travis (02:06.826)
Ha

Tracee (02:31.328)
So my brother was sharing that conversation with me. And I remember right where we were standing in his kitchen. And he said, did you know that there's not enough foster parents in Colorado? And I was like, what are you talking about? And then when he shared with me that kids were aging out of foster care, it totally like broke my heart, of course, but it also just got in my head. And for months after that, I would call my brother. like, what are we gonna do about this? We've got to figure out a way to make a change, make an impact for these kids. And so then...

I got connected with Brian and Julie Mavis and went to a couple of America's Kids Belong events and asked for a meeting and was just like, how can I be involved? I spent some time pondering, possibly starting a nonprofit to help kids that had aged out of foster care, like a home basically for those kinds of situations. And then just got to a place where a job opened and I was like, let me in, I want in.

So that's how I landed on the Colorado team and have loved being a part of it. Some things that we're doing here in Colorado, our big thing is wanting to help recruit more foster parents. So just helping create broad awareness, connecting with different counties and agencies to try to be a part of what they're doing. And we consider ourselves instead of recruiters more like mobilizers.

We work to mobilize people since we're a neutral party and they don't need to sign up to foster with us. We can help them really figure out what space fostering with a private agency or with a county where it would work best for them. And then really working to grow foster friendly communities in Colorado so that we can help those people that are getting involved in foster care or doing kinship care to be supported by their community so they can keep fostering and caring for kids longer and stronger.

Courtney (04:27.596)
I love that and it's interesting how you say that you didn't know about the need because I feel like when we're in this realm, know, when you work in this field, it's always surprising to me when people don't know much about foster care because I'm just so immersed in it that I don't realize the average Joe doesn't know a lot about foster care.

Tracee (04:31.702)
Mm.

Tracee (04:43.83)
Yeah, it is interesting. And I had even, I'd worked overseas in children's homes and been a part of some stuff like that and just hadn't, my eyes hadn't been opened yet to the fact that there was such a need right here.

Courtney (04:45.72)
And that's.

Travis (04:54.718)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (05:00.792)
So can you share maybe an inspirational story or something that came out of the work that CKB Colorado Kids Belong is doing?

Tracee (05:08.65)
Yes, gosh, there's so many different stories. I would say just the general space of foster parents or kinship parents that are saying to us, like, when they hear about the mobile app, the foster-friendly mobile app, and then they start to be in that space and to realize the support that is surrounding them, things like a friend of mine, where

She was fostering and had two little boys that were both pretty nervous about getting their haircut. And they, which sounds so silly that they would be nervous about getting their hair cut, but it just was an anxious space for them with the trauma that they had and things like that. And so she had struggled to find a place to get their haircut. And then she found a salon pretty close to her that was offering free haircuts for the whole family through the Foster Friendly app.

And it's been really cool to watch that relationship. the first few times that the kids were in there getting their hair cut, they would cry. They had a hard time just deciding what to let somebody do to their hair was part of it. They're grade school aged and the lady that is the stylist is just so patient and so good with them.

to where eventually it got to where they enjoy going to get their hair cut. Also, the foster mom, single mom with these boys that were having a hard time, and sometimes that can feel stressful or embarrassing to be in the salon and just feeling like your kids are not behaving well or whatever, but she felt so supported and like the stylist was just so kind to her and they've built a relationship and it's been really cool to see.

Not only now do the boys not cry, they get super excited to go get their haircut there, the stylist and her husband are now foster certified. After being over a year being a foster friendly business, they were like, I think we want to get involved in this. So they just started fostering themselves.

Travis (07:07.743)
Wow.

Travis (07:14.142)
Hmm.

Travis (07:18.73)
That's incredible. It's just a great picture too of just how you know The awareness continues to grow as this sort of flows into the community Momentum happens and awareness happens and it grows and you know like what you just said this story of how What sort of the Fox friendly business then becomes even more personally involved in their own family? So it's a great picture of what this does so Kind of going more into your own story

You met your son at an I Belong Project video shoot. It's one of the hallmark signature programs of America's Kids Belong. And then you actually met your going to be daughter at the same video shoot. So can you share a bit more with our listeners about what an I Belong Project video shoot is and then kind of what played out with that personally for you and your family?

Tracee (08:09.888)
Yeah, so an Iplong project video shoot is for kids that need adopted from foster care. So they're waiting. Whoever is currently caring for them or they're in a group home are not people that are saying that they will adopt them. So they're in that space of needing adopted from foster care, which is often older kids or sibling sets or kids with special needs. Those are usually kind of the categories of kids that end up in that space of

of needing somebody to say yes to adopting them. So we provide a space that's a fun experience where they can just share their heart and their, I started to say their story. It's not necessarily their story. I've had somebody ask like, you asked them to share their story. I'm like, no, to share about them. So asking questions like if you had three wishes, what would they be? Or what do you hope to be when you grow up? What do you like doing?

Some of the videos that I love watching is when siblings talk about each other and they get asked things like, what do you love about your sibling? And just the sweetest things that come out in those situations. So we make these videos and then share those videos online and then families can inquire about those specific kids. And my brother, it's part of how my brother's family, even before they started to get involved in fostering themselves, they were watching the videos online.

and I'm not sure if they would adopt, but just in that space of like, their heart's being broken, but also their heart's being tugged on and wanting to get involved. So I had heard about these videos and watched them myself as well. And then it was my very first shoot to be a part of as a part of the team of Colorado Kids Belong. So I had been actually already on...

what's called a permanency team for my now kiddos. So I had heard some of their story before I met them at the video shoot. I had been in a meeting where the caseworkers were talking. They were sad and stressed and trying to figure out what to do for these kiddos, because they, sadly, another foster home had been in a situation where they could no longer, like a family that had said yes to adopting them, it fell through.

Tracee (10:26.442)
So trying to figure out what to do and the caseworkers had decided that probably one of the best hopes for them would be to separate the two of them. So before they came to the video shoot, they had decided to not look for a home for them together. Partly because my son was a teenager and he was rowdy, you could maybe say. Already some risky behaviors and stuff like that. And then...

Travis (10:49.514)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (10:49.548)
Yeah

Tracee (10:55.414)
My daughter, she has some special needs and she was 12 at the time. So just very different spaces of what they both needed in parenting. So the county had decided to separate them. At the time they were living in a temporary foster home together, which actually it's a sweet story. Someday it would be a cool thing to capture. This same family had fostered them four different times over the years. So whenever they needed a place to land,

Travis (11:20.553)
Wow.

Tracee (11:23.094)
this family would always, so even as kinship at that point, like they just were like, yep, bring them over. So a familiar place that they got to be in those times when sadly they were having to move from foster homes. So that morning, all the buzz of getting ready to put on this video shoot day, this program, and I was nervous as I would be. And as other kids came through,

Everybody was getting in their places and figuring out our rhyme and rhythm of the day. And then my kiddos got there with their caseworkers who brought them that day. I can remember where I was standing on the sidewalk when I first said hello to them. And I would say the thing that stood out to me about my son is...

he had on a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, which we had been given gift cards. Somebody donated gift cards to Target so that we could give it to the kids so they could go shopping before they came to the video shoot. And so these kiddos both had snazzy outfits on that they got to go pick out at Target, but he had a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and then this cool jacket and this blingy jewelry. So was like this combo of cute and sweet and tough. And he was a big kid and I was like, what is up? And I was like.

Courtney (12:35.607)
Yeah

Travis (12:36.116)
Hahaha.

Tracee (12:40.928)
What's up with the t-shirt? You like Mickey Mouse? Because my husband wears Mickey Mouse shirts all the time. And he was like, I just thought it was cool. Okay. So he just caught my attention right away for some reason. And as we went through the day of doing some things together, he just had my attention. And as he was being interviewed, I was sitting across the room with his caseworker right next to me. And I silently threw up a prayer. I'm a person that prays. And I asked God,

Courtney (12:48.631)
you

Tracee (13:08.79)
Like, am I supposed to be paying attention to him in a different way? And right after I said that prayer, Nathan was asked, he was asked if, what he wants to do when he, can I start over? I've been trying not to say his name, not start over, but I'll just go back to sitting next to the caseworker. So.

Travis (13:26.09)
Mm-hmm.

Tracee (13:30.112)
We went into the place where he was being interviewed and I was sitting next to his caseworker. And as I was sitting there and listening to him answer the different questions, I just asked God, I'm a person that prays and I just threw up a prayer to God and said, am I supposed to be listening to him differently? Am I supposed to be paying attention to him? And right after I threw that prayer up, he was asked what he wants to do when he grows up. And he said, I think I want to be a mechanic.

probably a diesel mechanic. And I was like, okay, because my father was a career diesel mechanic. My oldest son is a diesel mechanic. I'm like, okay, God, I'm listening. And I left that day, my teammate that was there with me, as we were packing things up, I was like, by the way, I feel like maybe I'm supposed to inquire about this kid. And she's like, what? And I hadn't even talked to my husband yet. And I just was like, well, just pray about it.

Travis (14:11.166)
Wow.

Tracee (14:29.76)
Then I told my husband and he was like, when I got home that night, he was like, I don't think you can have this job if this is how this is going to go. If you're going to come home from your video shoot. I I met a kid that belongs in our family. We were empty nesters. Our youngest at the time had graduated high school. She hadn't moved out yet, but in that season of like, okay, a new season of life. And so when the video was ready for me to watch,

Travis (14:37.002)
I wrote

Courtney (14:38.188)
Every video shoot.

Courtney (14:42.954)
You

Travis (14:43.508)
Ha ha ha.

Tracee (14:59.074)
and do a few like edits on as the director. I was watching it on my phone and handed my phone to my husband. I'm like, here, I think you need to watch it. And he watched it and then walked away with my phone and watched it two more times. And then he came back in the room and he's like, I think you're right. I think he belongs in our family. I was like, whoa, okay, this is real. If he thinks it too, it'll still be interesting to see what happens.

We spent some time, we did inquire pretty quickly. I talked to, because of our role with the county, I knew people there and partly I was like, even as an organization that was in contract with the county, am I allowed to inquire? And she was like, yes, you can. So we spoke to some other people, some of our family. showed, I remember standing in my brother's kitchen again.

and showing him the video, just saying, like, hey, I think we're going to inquire about adopting this teenager. And his daughter, my brother's daughter, my niece, was across the room doing something else. And she's actually the same age as our son. So she could hear the video. And she's like, what are you guys watching? That boy belongs in our family. I was like, whoa, OK. She just, as she heard the things he had to say. So.

Travis (16:15.7)
Hmm, haha.

Courtney (16:16.866)
Yeah

Tracee (16:22.614)
We inquired and started the process. caseworker came to our home. This was actually in 2020. So she came to our home on March 13th of 2020. So right before everything shut down, which I'm so grateful that it worked out that way that she came to our house that day, because it probably would have slowed down the whole process if she hadn't have been able to come into our home and make sure that we had a bedroom and our home looked safe and stuff. we got to start the process.

I say that we kind of dated him, that we got to pick him up for dinner. And thankfully the family he was staying with, even when the COVID stuff was going on, they were okay with us coming and picking him up and stuff like that. So he got to come hang out with us several different weekends and then started even, he spent the night a couple of times before he moved in. he was in a space of feeling pretty comfortable and we wanted him to know that it was also his choice.

We weren't going to force, like, we're adopting you whether you want us to or not. And he was excited. He was excited to move in and to be a part of our family. I also now know four and a half years later all the anxiety that was also in him at the time. And so we also met our now daughter at that. I met her that same video shoot day and she actually moved into a home before he moved into our home. So.

Travis (17:20.362)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (17:36.01)
Hmm.

Tracee (17:48.098)
I remember being at her 13th birthday party at her new foster, hopefully adoptive home. And sadly, she's moved lots of time since then in the last four and a half years. So a year ago, were called, we kind of basically become like an aunt and uncle to her. She would call us her aunt and uncle over the years. And she would stay the weekend with us sometimes and we had built a pretty good relationship with her.

And then last summer, got a call that the caseworker called and said, can you go pick her up? Things aren't good at the home that she's in. And sadly, the home that she was in just was not a good fit. They were not well prepared to foster and hopefully adopt a teenager with special needs and things weren't going well. So I went and picked her up and the plan when I picked her up that night wasn't necessarily for her to stay with us. The caseworkers had other things in mind.

But one thing led to another. And after she'd been with us a few months, we're like, told the caseworkers, no, she doesn't need to leave. Like she's our family and she can stay. Even if she didn't want us to adopt her. Cause she was kind of in a space of not sure if she wanted adopted after living with multiple families that said they were going to adopt her. And she was 16 at the time and was like, I don't know if I want to be adopted. I'm like, that's okay. You're just our family. So fast forward almost a year.

Travis (19:13.354)
Hmm.

Tracee (19:16.471)
The summer she did through some counseling and actually we went to a friend's adoption. I remember getting in the car after that and she was like, maybe I do want to adopt to be adopted. I like, well, that would be amazing. So we're actually in the process right now of sign up paperwork and all that stuff to adopt her as well.

Travis (19:28.308)
Hmm.

Travis (19:36.82)
Very cool.

Courtney (19:37.09)
beautiful. Yeah, just love seeing their their stories intertwined and how those caseworkers didn't think they should be together. Maybe they shouldn't have for a little while, you know, we've had a lot of kids in and out of our house and there's only been one situation so far where we really felt like these two siblings brothers should not be together. They were not healthy for one another. As far as I know, the latest I know that they are back together with their mom together as a family, which they should be. But for that season, they need to be separated. so yeah, it's just beautiful to see how that you know,

Tracee (20:03.97)
Yeah.

Courtney (20:06.424)
those situations are now unfolding into your family or.

Tracee (20:10.282)
Yeah, and it has been like people have asked me how are they doing together? Because they weren't in a healthy relationship four and a half years ago. They, as you can imagine, kiddos that have bounced through potential adoptive homes blame each other and the tension was high. And they both had a lot of healing that they each needed to do. And it has been good. Like, it's been interesting. We've had some twists and turns, but I think

Our son has got to go on a journey of healing that has put him in a place where he's now ready to be patient with her and loving and that he feels firm and like a part of our family officially. And so he doesn't feel at risk when she misbehaves or something like that. He doesn't feel like his status in our family is at risk and he used to when they were together before. And he's just.

Travis (21:02.399)
Hmm.

Tracee (21:05.728)
Yeah, he had to go on a long healing journey. They're actually a part of a sibling set of six kids. And our son is the oldest of those six kids. So he was parentified at a very young age. So I think that was part of what he needed a space where he could be the kid and not have to be the parent to anybody else. And so it's been interesting to see their healing and how now being back together is working.

Travis (21:11.626)
Hmm.

Travis (21:22.686)
Right.

Courtney (21:30.444)
Yeah. So you mentioned that them being a sibling set of six, you've gained some extended, what I'd call extended family through your adoption as one of your kids siblings was adopted from foster care after video shoot as well. Can you share with us about that, that relationship and the value of these recruitment tools of the I Belong videos to help recruit families?

Tracee (21:44.597)
Yeah.

Tracee (21:53.002)
Yeah, so yeah, there are four of the kiddos that are still all here in Colorado. We haven't met the littlest two. They were adopted by some relatives of theirs in a different state when they were just babies. But we stay in touch with them. Like we send pictures back and forth and stuff like that. So the other kiddos that are here in Colorado, we try to do

monthly, it doesn't always happen monthly, but get togethers where we at least go out to eat together or go bowling or something and do sleepovers sometimes, even though there's a pretty wide age gap between our son and the youngest of these older four. But they love each other. It's very interesting to watch their chemistry as their siblings, but they're growing up separately. And it's really special that we're still connected as much as we are.

Travis (22:35.946)
Mm-hmm.

Tracee (22:47.362)
Yeah, so one of the other brothers, was in, he had done an I Belong Project video shoot and was placed in an adoptive home when he was under the age of 10, probably like seven years old. And sadly that home, I mean, for so many people, that year of the pandemic was just so hard and some hard things were happening in that family and they decided that they weren't going to be able to adopt him.

So then we supported as an organization, we supported helping finding him another family. So used his old video and some of his pictures and then some new pictures and helped find this family. And the interesting space of we provide those tools, but then the agencies, the counties and the private agencies, they go into action of sending that out amongst each other.

So the family that ended up adopting him was certified by a private agency and they saw information about him. They had just gotten certified, like two weeks before they got information about him. And they were, he was 10 at the time, 10 and a half, and they jumped on the idea of like, yeah, we want to this kiddo. So he was at the time living in our home. And so I was in an interesting spot of being his auntie.

Travis (23:55.018)
Yeah.

Tracee (24:10.946)
but also professionally knowing some things. But I got to go meet them before he met them and kind of chat through some things and stuff. And then we all went and grabbed dinner together, let him pick the restaurant, he picked Freddy's. So we all met this new family, our family, our older son came as well, met and had dinner. And it turned out to be a really special way.

Courtney (24:26.167)
you

Travis (24:29.866)
really.

Tracee (24:35.766)
to just help break the ice for him. And he's a 10 year old boy that had just been through a really hard couple of months. And he was nervous. And the way that he was putting that out there into the world as a preteen boy was by saying really ridiculous, rude things. But by the end of that night, they were like, well, do you want to come see the room that would be your bedroom? And he's like, yep. He was ready to go check it out. And he came back to our home that evening. But it just.

Travis (24:59.124)
Ready?

Tracee (25:04.618)
It turned out to be such a sweet, special fit for him of, he just blends right in with their family and they've done a great job of embracing him and journeying with him through the healing that he's needed to do and all that stuff. And now he's a teenager, it's crazy. And really special that we get to stay connected with these other families. So our kids are connected with these boys. So yeah, there's.

Travis (25:27.688)
Hmm.

Tracee (25:32.65)
Now three families that have these four kids and I love that my son and daughter get to feel like they have extra aunts and uncles because of these. Yeah.

Travis (25:40.901)
Hmm.

Courtney (25:43.086)
Yeah, and that you guys allow that space. I do know sadly a lot of families that they kind of have this possession type mentality once adoption happens or is about to happen and kind of shut off the rest of the world. And we know that these kids really, even if it's hard, that those connections with each other is so important, especially as they grow older and get into adulthood themselves.

Travis (25:46.154)
Mm-hmm.

Tracee (26:05.076)
Yeah, yeah. I daydream sometimes about what their relationships are going to look like when they're adults. Like, because their age right now is, you know, different. My son is out of high school. One of the little boys just started middle school. So an interesting season. But yeah, thinking about when they're when they are big kids, what are not big kids, adults, what their relationships will be like. And I'm really glad that they're connected.

Travis (26:06.175)
Yeah.

Courtney (26:10.551)
Yeah.

Travis (26:10.954)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (26:23.369)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (26:24.995)
Yeah.

Travis (26:31.25)
Yeah, I, I really resonate that personally with that personally as well. Our, have adopted two from a sibling group, a large sibling group, and we're in touch with two of the other families very similar to you or we'll meet up. There was sleepovers at times, even just getting them together for part of a day. And like you said, there was a magic that happens, like even outside of like our adoptive sons and then, you know, their new bio, our biological kids and their interactions as siblings, there was something just

like innate inside of them when they come together that the right, even if it's been a space of time or whatever, there's just a spark there that that's a little different. Sometimes it's just like their laughter there. So I really feel like as adoptive parents, like it's really a responsibility. I think that we, we try to make those connections happen when we can't, know, there's maybe reasons we can't find them or connect, but I really think it's a responsibility of us to try to do that.

Courtney (27:29.006)
Hmm.

Travis (27:30.538)
preserve that and you know, they were a family unit before they were adopted. And also love what you highlighted again in your own story about the I Belong project of how it gives a face, a voice that's more than just a picture and words about these children. It's who they are and they're showcasing that like in a way you can like feel and see and like connect. And so I think that's the huge part of why it is so effective as a recruitment tool.

Tracee (27:35.138)
Yeah.

Travis (27:59.784)
because it's, it's, you really get to see these kids for who they are and, it's significantly outpacing kids that don't have these videos, how long they may languish in care, not being adopted for those that are adoption eligible. So really, really. Yep. So

Tracee (28:15.36)
Wow. It's interesting. So a sweet spot in there of because of my work, my now adopted kiddos and their thoughts about the I Belong Project and how they have insights and they care about these other kids and how those kids get to connect with families and just their insights of like how nervous our son was when he went. He's like, I felt like it was my last chance.

and that everything was on the line. And so I put my best effort out there and it makes me sad for him that he was so, like, it was such a big deal to him, but also proud of him. Because he was invited to a video shoot two years before that and he said no. So that interesting space of I get some insights now of what it felt like for them to be a part of that.

Travis (29:09.744)
so true. Like it's so vulnerable and so at the same time the convergence of like this might feel like this is it and like I've got to show something or something has to hit or this is it. That's it's staggering to think of that.

Courtney (29:23.894)
Yeah, so much. So much we could talk about around this IVP and the recruitment and the teenagers and all of it. Yeah.

Tracee (29:27.585)
Yeah.

Travis (29:32.938)
Okay, so we're gonna pivot into a little bit of the sort of the just teenage demographic as we look at foster care. We know that of the 400,000 kids roughly in the US foster care system, around 30 % are teenagers. That's a huge number. So we know that, and many of us can imagine with our own teenagers that we might have or whatever that teenagers can be difficult times. They have tremendous gifts as well. It's no walk in the park for us.

But what are some things you've learned through adopting teens that can relate sort of the trauma, grief and loss? What would you say around those things?

Tracee (30:06.068)
so much. Like, I feel like the last four and a half years for my husband and I has been like such a formative time for us. Like all that we've learned, the ways that we've had to adjust our perspective and adjust our parenting. Gosh, where to even begin? I'll start at the beginning even of with our son moving into our home.

just figuring out like, how do we do this? How do we help him be comfortable and not treat him like a little kid? So he was 14 when he moved in, but he turned 15 like right, like less than a month after he moved in. And he was also like, my brother once said, he was like, gosh, when I think about him, he's an interesting combo of a 40 year old and a 12 year old at the same time. And I was like, yep, pretty spot on. Like he had had to grow up so much. So he was kind of like an old man in some ways.

So in our parenting, feel like we realized it within that first year that we were parenting him a little bit like he was an 18 year old. Like the way that we had our boundaries and our house rules, but not the way we probably parented our older kids when they were 14. We just did it a little bit different and kind of treated him a little bit like, okay, yeah, you have a curfew, but we want you to make the choices that you need to make. And also,

an interesting part of. moved in in the beginning of the pandemic. So it was crazy for the whole world. School was online, all that stuff. So I feel blessed in some ways that we got to kind of cocoon together, we say, but he didn't go out and make new friends right away. He moved to a new town when he moved in with us and didn't know anybody around us. We tried to help him stay connected with some of his old friends. I would drive him up there and stuff, which I think is important for people to realize that

This kiddo is moving in with you and becoming part of your family and part of your community, but they still have connections. And as a teenager, those social connections are so important. So if we can all help keep some of those social connections going, that's pretty important. There's still a few people, even four and a years later from that season of his life, like middle school, beginning of high school that live north of us, but he still stays in touch with them. And I think that really helped.

Tracee (32:31.18)
bridged that space for him that he had that, even though he's with a new family. We had done this with our older kids. And so we figured it out. And thankfully we got to, like I said, kind of date him as far as like he would come over every now and then before he moved in. So we did a contract with him, which sounds so harsh, but also my soon to be adopted daughter and I were just laughing with her therapist the other day.

about how she's like, well, they have no rules. And then I looked at her, I'm like, we have no rules? She's like, no, they have rules. But she had a hard time figuring out how to describe it. like, we have boundaries, we have guidelines, but we don't have like harsh rules. We don't have to divvy out consequences very much, because we're trying to help them really own their own space as they grow and learn to move them towards independence. So this contract is, Nathan said, I said it again.

Travis (33:11.124)
Hmm.

Tracee (33:27.168)
Backing up a tiny bit. So this contract, our son said when we went over that later, he told us like that was super helpful because it really laid out like what are the house rules instead of wondering what's it going to be like here? Am I going to step on a potential landmine that I didn't even know was there? But just saying things like what our expectations are for school, for curfew, for helping with chores, for his own room.

Travis (33:28.49)
F.

Tracee (33:56.31)
what was allowed in our home as far as teenage stuff, drugs or alcohol and then really clear on what, and also stuff having to do with cell phones. Because for teenagers, that is such a huge space and being really clear on what the consequences would be. And actually, if I could give anybody one tip that comes out of that space is,

When a kiddo is first, whether they're being fostered or you're adopting a teen, that you do not take away their phone, even though it was, and I let him know, this is our phone. We are letting you use it, but we can turn off your internet, we can shut down things on your phone, but we don't take the device away. Because for him, it felt like a lifeline to his people that were a part of his life before he moved into our home. And I think for our daughter also, like,

Travis (34:39.668)
Mm-hmm.

Tracee (34:46.464)
Taking the physical phone away triggers some trauma and some reactions, the fight, flight or freeze stuff that we don't necessarily need to do. I think we can create the consequence without doing that. So we do things where we turn off social medias or we can control their phone, we can control the internet, that kind of stuff. And that seemed to work really well of having the consequences be in that space instead of taking away the phone.

yeah, those are, those are just a few things that I think of. And then just hanging tough with kiddos and knowing, Gosh, that our son specifically, he needed to go on a journey of actually, he went downhill before he could come back uphill in his healing process. after adoption, he, he hit some really dark spaces in his heart and mind and his behaviors. And for us to just.

Travis (35:35.697)
Tracee (35:44.962)
hang in there with him and create the space for him to really get out some of those feelings. He was like, I don't feel like I belong in a family. I don't deserve to be in a family. And that was more than a year after his adoption, that he just felt like our love was uncomfortable to him and he didn't deserve it. And it kind of caused him to go through a tailspin. And I think our pursuit of his heart,

is part of what has gotten us to where we are now, which things aren't always easy right now even, but pursuing his heart and not his right behaviors. But chasing after him when he would try to run away in the sense of like not come home and you're grounded now, but like, I love you and I can't let you go. You are a part of our family. It was a good solid year of a lot of hard stuff.

Travis (36:20.991)
Mm-hmm.

Tracee (36:39.552)
And we had to seek outside help as well. And I think he would even say that he's grateful for the help that we helped him find that really helped him do some deep heart work in a setting where he didn't have to worry about school or girls or anything else. He was in a special setting where he could just focus on that. And thankfully, I feel like part of our success with our soon to be adopted daughter,

is that we got to, she got to, and we got to ride on the trust that we had built with our son, her brother. And she got to see, she said to me once when I asked her, like, you know, you don't have to make that choice. Like, you're still a part of our family. We still love you even if you don't. I don't remember what it was exactly. And she was like, I know, look at him. So she was kind of like, I get it. I've seen what you guys have gone through with him and he's still your son. You still love him.

Courtney (37:31.074)
Ha ha ha.

Travis (37:31.742)
Ha ha ha.

Tracee (37:38.21)
So she even through, we were her 15th placement. So after being moving so many times and having to adjust to so many different people's expectations, thinking multiple families would adopt her and that she had to kind of perform in order to hopefully be adopted. I think in our home, we got to zoom past some of that because she saw the trust and acceptance that was happening.

for our son and she got to just embrace and settle into that a little quicker.

Courtney (38:12.622)
Yeah, so good. It reminds me a story of our daughter that we adopted at 15, almost 16 through we saw her picture at a waiting children's list and she struggled for a long time of just attachment. And at one point she ran away and we ran after her. And that night I slept with her in her bed and we just cried and cried and cried together. And eventually she opened up and I can share this because she's given me permission to. She said, Mom,

I have another mom and she hasn't been able to connect with her since she was a really little girl. We haven't been able to find that connection. And she said, I've always been so afraid that if I connect with you, I'm not giving her, like I'm letting go of her. And it was just this beautiful moment of me being able to lay with her and say, you know what? What would that mom, what would your mom want? Would she want you to be in a family that loves you and is caring and is running after your heart, is running after you? Or would she want you to be without a family? And it was kind of that thing that she needed to see, like we're not giving up and you can keep doing

Travis (38:49.77)
Hmm... Hmm...

Courtney (39:08.25)
this over and over and over, but we are here and we're not going anywhere. And I've seen that in YouTube, Tracy. I just love how you chase after your kids. You chase after their hearts. You chase after their belonging in your family.

Tracee (39:20.418)
Well, and I would add in there that for anybody fostering, but especially if you're adopting an older kid from foster care, finding another parent that you can talk to. Courtney and I message each other. We're like, you do this kind of situation. What have you done? And help me think through my crazy thoughts right now. And yeah. So finding that person that you can just be open with, because it's a crazy hard journey. And it's probably been some of the most despair.

Courtney (39:31.82)
Yeah.

Travis (39:31.828)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (39:35.508)
Ha.

Tracee (39:49.174)
I've ever felt, as well as the most angry I've ever been in my life. And also feeling very alone in that, because it's not stuff that you can talk to just any other parent about. It's a very different space. So finding somebody that you can is pretty important.

Courtney (40:05.132)
Yeah, so that's a good segue into one of our last questions here. Could you briefly, so it's a little different, it is different, know, adopting teens, welcoming teens in your home as, you know, different than teens or babies or toddlers. And so your support system looks a little differently. So you just mentioned finding people that maybe have walked that journey or are walking that journey and do it together. But can you mention anything else that might be, what's a good support system for somebody that's fostering or adopting teenagers?

Tracee (40:31.931)
Yeah, I'm very grateful that my family, our extended family has been very supportive. It's been a little bit of a learning curve for them. I'd say on both sides of our family, we've done some, maybe you'd call it educating them and helping them to just understand that space of, hey, our kiddos are going through some things and we just need you to love them. We don't need you to give us your advice on.

how to, I don't know, correct their behaviors or whatever. And we don't need you to try to correct their behaviors. We just need you to love them. And I'm very grateful that they have all done a great job of just embracing our kids. I mean, even so far as like my mother-in-law adding stockings, for stockings at Christmas, like right away, being so quick to do, she makes personalized stockings for the kiddos. So, and for us.

but that she just is so quick to jump on top of like, okay, how do we make sure these kids feel like they belong and that they're part of things and that kind of thing. And then support outside of our, I mean, my family, they even help with like transportation or like, crap, like we've got this going on. Can you help pick up one kiddo from school? Cause we got to go do this other thing. So just them being very willing to be in that space and not shy. Like I think for some people, their parents,

or other, you the aunts and uncles might be a little bit shy or nervous and that my family just jumped in there and they weren't scared and nervous about it. And then finding some friends that, I would say find some other parents, even if you have to find people that don't live right near you that have done something similar that you can call and chat with them. And then also the support circle, I think you have to...

to bring in and educate the people that are gonna surround your kiddos. When my son was being interviewed, one of the things in his I Belong Project video, when he was asked about his three wishes, if he had three wishes, what would they be? He said, I want more people to trust, was one of his. And now that I know him, I know he was kind of trying to be like, I'm Mr. Smart and Wise, I'm gonna say something everybody's gonna love. He also said he would want a cool car and lots of money. So don't think he's all like.

Travis (42:53.556)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (42:57.034)
haha

Tracee (42:57.666)
Only mature. But said more people to trust and that has like stuck in my head and thinking how do I create a circle of trust around him? How do I help him see that I trust people? So figuring out how can you help those people so much so that even this summer our daughter was gonna go or she went to church camp this summer and she'd never done anything like that before. I was a little bit nervous for her to go.

She goes to youth groups so she knows people there and stuff. But I sat down with the youth pastor beforehand and was like, there's a few things I need you to know about my kiddo so that you can have eyes open. Because when you see her just for two hours on a Wednesday night, that's much different than spending a whole week away. And I need some adults up there to be paying attention to her and knowing that she's got anxiety and these different things. So.

pulling those people into that circle as well and helping prepare them instead of just assuming they should know, realizing like we've got to help educate them as well so that they can be that support circle not only to me but to my kiddo. That's been pretty important. Yeah, so pulling your people in and sometimes that means a little bit of education and equipping them to be a good support is pretty important.

Travis (44:17.77)
Man, I love that. I love that, you know, we often talk about how we can support foster parents better and sort of the community at large, but you're bringing it even further in through the lens of the ones actually experiencing it through the kids and the advice and wisdom they have living it is really wise. Very cool. All right. We're in the final home stretch here. So Tracy, as an ambassador to, you know, sort of recruiting and foster care, you are a foster parent, adoptive parent.

and the executive director of Colorado Kids Belong, lot of hats here. And sort of in a brief way, if you could change one thing about the foster care system, what would you advocate to change?

Tracee (44:58.018)
I always think of that a system is hard to change, but especially hard to change if it doesn't have the right people or enough people involved in the system. So my thought is always that we just need to flood the system with good people. There needs to be more than enough awesome caseworkers. There needs to be more than enough awesome foster families. There needs to be more than enough families that say yes to adopting. There needs to be more than enough

Courtney (45:21.358)
you

Courtney (45:25.006)
you

Tracee (45:26.274)
helpers surrounding all these families, churches and businesses and individuals. If we can just flood the system and make it, maybe you could even, if you're thinking of it as like a mechanical system, we flood it so much that it's well lubricated. It's gonna be a great functioning machine if it's got enough, if it's got enough people and good people and that that's what I think will help make a change.

Courtney (45:32.61)
you

Tracee (45:51.382)
We don't need to necessarily, it's great. I love some of the new legislations that have happened in the last handful of years, really good things happening. But if we don't have enough people involved, it'll never be working well. So the way to make it work well, I think is to have more than enough good people involved.

Courtney (46:09.25)
Yes, yeah, foster parent burnout, caseworker burnout, homes being overloaded with more kids than they should, you it all is unrelated to what you just said. So, okay, well, we're going to close out this episode just by sharing, you know, again, thinking about these kiddos that are in care, that are waiting on waiting children's lists. We got, you know, a hundred thousand kids statistically nationwide that are waiting for an adoptive home. Again, like you pointed out, Tracy.

Tracee (46:13.025)
Mm.

Tracee (46:16.414)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney (46:36.302)
many, I would even say most of them are teenagers. What can you leave everybody with listening of what's some encouragement for them to get involved and to step up and to say yes?

Tracee (46:48.098)
Yes, they need more people to trust. And if we can be the adults and be brave and step into that space of whether it's getting involved by just being a support person to somebody else that is opening their home, open your heart. There's ways for you to be involved in helping these kiddos. I think of it like...

A river and the kids that are in that part of the river of foster care and their teenagers, it's they're about to go over the waterfall and to have to launch into adulthood without much support and from other adults. And if we can just surround them with some support and to realize that some of those kids, their hearts are going to be pretty hard and they might not want to be adopted because they've been hurt by adults and they're not ready to say yes. But if you can step in there and be

Travis (47:38.054)
huh.

Tracee (47:41.566)
another trusting person, person that they can look to. And that kids like my kids that are in a loving, trustworthy home, they need more people to trust. And so when somebody steps in and becomes that person for my son as he's trying to navigate the beginning of adulthood and gives him a chance at a job or calls him out when he doesn't show up to work, calls him up to be a better man, like,

Travis (47:44.636)
Hmm.

Tracee (48:08.18)
It can't just come from home. It needs to come from other places. So people being sensitive and aware and just being brave. Be the adult and lean in and help create more hope for these kids.

Courtney (48:20.29)
Definitely didn't hear you say it's easy. It's not easy, these kids are worth it. These teenagers are worth it. Thank you for joining us today.

Travis (48:22.398)
He

Tracee (48:26.038)
They are. Yes. Thank you. Wow, thanks.

Travis (48:28.81)
Thanks for being on.

Travis (48:35.668)
There it is.

Tracee (48:37.351)
I only messed up twice. That's good.

Courtney (48:40.44)
So Tracy, we can tell Travis, Brian, whoever's doing the behind the scenes stuff to not put their names like in the show notes. So it's just like your kit, you know, nothing's.

Travis (48:49.855)
Yeah.

Tracee (48:49.984)
Yeah.