Episode 33 – Teens Openly Share Their Experiences as Birth Children in a Foster Home with Eli and Ayla Williams

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Courtney (00:01.148)
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast. Today we’re doing things a little bit differently. I’m your lone host. Usually there’s two of us on here together, but today you just get me, Courtney Williams. And today I’m joined by two of my favorite people on this planet. Eli and Ayla Williams are two of my nine children. And we as a family, we initially got licensed when Eli was a baby.

But we really got worried that it would ruin him and his life. And so we didn’t take any long-term placements. We took our first non respite placement when Eli was about five years old and we’ve been licensed ever since. You could say truly that these two have grown up as foster siblings. And I know that they have a lot of insight to share to you. And a lot of people have fears around their biological kids and what it’ll do to them just like we did. And so I hope that you enjoy this conversation.

Eli just graduated high school in December and Ayla is a junior in high school. So Eli and Ayla, thanks for joining me today.

Eli And Ayla (01:00.046)
Thank you.

Courtney (01:02.15)
Okay, so I love the looks that I get when I’m trying to explain our family to people. Actually, my husband and just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we tell people that we’ve been married for 20 years, that we have been together for 22 years and our oldest is 23, who was not with either of us before we got married. So people always come to give us quite the look. They don’t understand. But Elan, Ayla, you were our first two children of nine. You’re not the oldest children, but you were the first.

our children. So Eli, can you explain that a little bit further and tell people the makeup of our family?

Eli And Ayla (01:34.542)
Yeah, sure. So we have a family of 11, nine of us kids ranging from 23 to four. I have siblings from Ethiopia to Congo and siblings that we’ve adopted through foster care in Denver. You know, through the last, I think, 14 years, my mom was telling us this morning that it was then that we had our first placement. So we’ve been had been able to give a house to over 60 kiddos. And it’s been really special for that.

Courtney (02:05.234)
Yeah, so it’s kind of fun to explain again. So Eli, Ayla, and Owen, our third bio child are right in the middle and then three older adopted kiddos, three younger adopted kiddos, and then three dogs and many other kids that come and go all the time. Also Eli, it’s kind of funny when we first started fostering, we were not taking long-term placements at first. And from that to our first placement being girls who were older than you at the time. And we had said we were not going to take

any long term, we were definitely not going to do older than you. And then our first placement came and they were older than you. Do you remember that first placement and what do you remember about it?

Eli And Ayla (02:44.782)
Sure, I do remember actually, I was young so I don’t remember a lot of it. But I do remember thinking, was like, this is kind of cool, like two teenage girls, it kind of felt like, this is, you know, it felt special. The experience itself was new, so at the time like knowing what I knew, like what I know now.

It’s definitely a lot different than what I saw and experienced when our first placement walked through the door. I didn’t really know what was going on. Still very new, but yeah, I do remember it was very special. I think it’s pretty cool that even after all these kids and all these years later, I can still remember who they were and a lot of things we were able to do that weekend, so.

Courtney (03:28.422)
That’s great. Yeah, Ayla. So we had those two sisters. We’ve had a lot of pairs of sisters for some reason, but we had those two sisters that were our first placement. And then about five years later, we had another pair of sisters who just really tugged at all of our heartstrings and yours particularly. Tell us a bit about those two and what was the hardest part about fostering them.

Eli And Ayla (03:50.476)
Yeah, so we had two girls, Brooklyn and Mari. Brooklyn was three and Mari was five. Big personality girls, super sassy, lots of energy, but we loved them a lot. The hardest part was I went to camp. It was during summer that we had them. Went to a summer camp and while I was at camp, they had left to go back with their mom.

And I came back and they had already left and that was just really hard not being able to say goodbye because those girls meant a whole lot to our whole family and me especially just being able to be with those girls and then not being able to be with them when they left.

Courtney (04:29.006)
Yeah, that was a really hard thing. remember years later, like talking four years after they had left. One time I was, I looked over and I saw you and you’re kind of looking sad. And I was like, Hila, what’s up? What are you thinking about? And you said, I’m just thinking about Brooklyn and Mari and how I never got to say goodbye to them. And again, that was like four years after this had happened. So I know it definitely does emotionally pull at your heartstrings and it’s hard. It’s not always easy. But you two may not know it, but one of the most common

questions people get or responses people say to me when I’m talking about foster care, they have questions is they say, hey, I’d really like to get certified, but I’m not going to because I have kids at home. And again, I don’t want to ruin them or I’m worried they’ll get hurt or I’m worried that it’ll be too emotional for them. So I know that there’s been a lot of heartache. Like you just explained that that situation and there’s been a lot of hard times over the years. But when we moved to Colorado, so we fostered in North Dakota for years, moved to Colorado over six years ago now.

And my husband and I, were like, you know what? We’ve done enough of this. Kind of felt like we had done our time. We’re done fostering. But Ayla, you actually wrote us a letter. And that letter, you left on our pillow one night and you got, at that time we had seven kids. So you got all six of your siblings to sign the letter saying, Mom and Dad, you had told us this was a calling in our life.

we’re all, I still have this letter, I should have pulled it out, but you were like, we’re all willing to share bedrooms or willing to share our toys and did God take this calling away or are we still supposed to be doing this? We all think we should still foster and again, you got all your siblings to sign it and so we decided to get licensed again once we moved to Colorado. So Ayla, what was it about fostering that made you want to keep doing it? Why did you write that letter if you remember all these years later?

Eli And Ayla (06:15.382)
Yeah, I do remember that. It was a few things actually. For one, I have always had a huge passion for kids, love kids, being able to pour into them, love on them, being able to watch them grow. And also after doing foster care for a while, I don’t know how long it was before that, but I knew the need for foster parents and knew what it took to be a foster family. And knowing that there was a need,

just there was no way that I felt like we could quit and also knowing that God had called people, us, our family, to foster care and care for the orphan and the needy was just something that I feel like we, it was something we couldn’t stop.

Courtney (06:59.259)
That’s great. Eli, you too, you are about to fly the coop. You just graduated. You’re going be joining the Marines and leaving this summer. What would you say as now a just graduated senior, I mean, still call you a senior, but just graduated young adult, what would you say that foster care has taught you about life?

Eli And Ayla (07:20.206)
I think all my siblings and my parents would admit that I’m when it comes to patients I’m pretty it’s pretty slim like it takes a takes a good day for me to even have a little bit of it but having foster bid by doing foster care and

you know, adopting and being able to be in those situations. There have been a lot of good conversations where it’s like even you, mom, know, a kid who walks the door and it’s like we’d sit down and have that conversation. Eli, like, ahead of time, this kid’s been through a lot. He’s seen things you haven’t seen, had to go through things you haven’t gone through.

And so I think that’s what’s taught me is patience, one, but then also just realizing that you can look at people and automatically think a certain way about them without even knowing their story. So I feel like that’s another huge thing I’ll always take with me, whether I was going to the Marines or not, but especially going into Marines knowing that I’m gonna be dealing with different people on a daily basis. So knowing that everyone’s gone through their own, their own tragedy, their own thing.

But let’s all work together and see if we can’t make something beautiful. So yeah.

Courtney (08:30.364)
Thanks, Eli. One thing that people don’t notice by looking at you two is you two are, yes, Eli, patience is not your greatest virtue, but you do have so many great qualities. And one thing about both of you two that other different people throughout our lives have mentioned have said to us, these two are both so compassionate. And that is one thing. We have a little family motto on the wall. And one thing is we say like we are going to be passionate, compassionate family.

But you guys had the same third grade teacher back to back. again, years ago when you guys were smaller, the same back teacher back to back, Del Padre. And Mrs. Del Padre, after she had, so she had Eli first, of course, and then Ayla. And after Ayla was in her class, she came to me and she said, I’ve now had two of your kiddos back to back. And they both are some of the most compassionate kids I’ve ever had in my classroom. And she said, know, if somebody’s hurt or somebody just looks sad, like they are the people that just jump up and they want to go help. And she looked at me, she goes, what are you doing at home?

I have grandkids now and I want my daughter to teach my grandkids what your kids have. And I kind of sat there for a little bit and I thought, was like, what? I don’t know, what are we doing? And it dawned on me, it like, it’s foster care. It’s what Eli just described is these kids come from all over the place. Most of them have gone through really hard things and they’re going through loss, they’re going through trauma, they’re grieving.

you know, some of the abuse stories that we’ve heard that you learn, you know, we try not to share too much with them, but then kids will share stuff. Right. And you guys hear just these stories that have got to make you look at life differently. Like you again, Eli just described and that’s what Mrs. DelPodra saw on YouTube. She saw something that was different. And again, for me as a mom, when people ask me that question, like, Hey, there’s something about your kids. Again, the answer is foster care. Foster care has taught you guys how to love people in a different way that

dad and I could teach you how to love people, right? But we couldn’t do it if it wasn’t in our home to the depth that we’ve been able to. So changing story is changing gears just a little bit. Let’s think about, like, okay, you guys are foster siblings. I’m foster mom. I’m your mom. We get a phone call. Typically, it’s me that gets a phone call. I get a phone call about a placement and kind of share with the listeners, what does it look like then? Okay, mom gets this phone call. Usually I call dad next, right? And then what kind of happens after we get that

Courtney (10:46.842)
that call for replacement.

Eli And Ayla (10:48.846)
Sure, so I mean, I know for me, most of the time throughout the school year, know, Ayla or I will have sports, all digging the sports. We usually come home and it usually happened on a weekday evening, I don’t know why, but that’s kind of the timing of it. So most of the time we’d come home for our respective sports practices and know, mom and dad would be like, hey guys, we, you know, kind of call us all together, let us know the situation for having this kiddo, this old, this is how we’re gonna accommodate for them here in our home, this is where they’re

going to sleep. If they feel comfortable, they’ll tell us all a bit of the story, maybe some of older kids a little bit of what this kiddo has had to go through and how we can best love on them. And then after that, we welcome the kid as they come in and just try to make them feel at home. Most of the times it ends like a movie night, kind of a fun night, just kind of breaks in the ice. And it works really well, good system.

Courtney (11:43.324)
So can you guys say one thing that you didn’t share that I think Dad and I have done pretty well is we pretty much always, if it’s an emergency situation, we’ll often take kids in for our night or two nights and those ones we don’t necessarily ask permission. But if it’s a long-term call that we’re getting, hey, this kid needs a placement, a long-term placement, do you guys agree that we always ask you guys your opinion about it before we just accept the placement?

Eli And Ayla (12:01.454)
Mm-hmm.

Eli And Ayla (12:06.942)
Yes, for sure. Always.

Courtney (12:09.604)
Yeah, and for people that are listening, I think that’s just a really important thing. Not that our kids rule our house, but especially now that we’re at Therapeutic Home, we get a lot of teenagers. And so we always want to sit down our teenagers, all of our kids, but all of our teenagers specifically and say, hey, this is the placement. This is where they, like Eli said, this is where they’d be staying in the house. This is the, you know, as much the situation we feel comfortable sharing with you guys. And then we say, are you guys comfortable with this? And by comfortable with that, we mean we don’t want to take a placement and have them be in our house for

a month and then we say, sorry, our kids don’t like this. So they got to go on and find another house now, right? That just adds to their trauma. And that’s one thing we’ve tried to do. We’ve only one time so far in our 17 years of fostering have we said a kid had to move to another place because it was just really hard in the family. That doesn’t mean we’ve had great placements or easy, should be great. They’ve all been great, easy placements since then, right? We’ve had a lot of really hard situations. But again, as a family, it’s like, this is something we agreed to you. And unless there’s a real

deep reason of why they can’t stay. Like the young boy that had to move on. It was kind of silly on our part for saying yes to begin with because we had just adopted our youngest at the time and we were transitioning to a new home, all that. And then he came and had really high needs and was physically abusing our kids. So there are times when it might be best to say like, and we said, you know, we just don’t feel like we can provide this kid the best place that he needs right now.

And we were able to follow up and we saw that he went to a therapeutic home at the time, lived on a horse ranch. got great healing, was adopted by that family. So he had a great end of the story, but it is hard. And again, we don’t want to add to that trauma. So again, for us, a big part of it is we have kids. If you’re listening to this and you have kids, that’s one thing you can take away is to make sure you ask your kids their thoughts and their feelings about a placement before you just say yes to anything and everything.

Eli And Ayla (13:59.714)
And if I can’t add, do remember it happens a lot. Another thing that I’ve really come to appreciate.

As living in your guys household is you and dad will always sit us down, you know, make sure we know You know Eli this isn’t you know, you guys are two kid drivers in the house right now This is not gonna be easy because you know, they might have appointments You need to go help them get to and from and you know, you guys really do make a point. So I think that’s To make sure the whole family knows like hey, these are the expectations and the needs like this is something that’s gonna have to happen It’s not something that might happen

and let them know that this is a whole family ordeal ahead of time and that there will be sacrifices that be made, sacrifices that are worth it.

Courtney (14:42.002)
Yeah, that is a great man. And we have a large family to begin with. Right. So I often will rely on Eli and Ayla to help, especially with our our younger kids, like take them someplace. Well, I take the foster youth to an appointment or to visitation or or sometimes we’ve had times where they’re just having a really rough day and the kids just need to go to the park or go be somewhere for a while to get out of the house. So like, yeah, again, Eli, we have leaned on you guys and we appreciate you guys more than you guys know.

Okay, so going back to that first, so we get that call, we chat with you guys, kind of what Eli described. Then, Ayla, what’s it like, those first moments or hours or day when a new kid walks through those front doors, what is that like for you as a foster sibling and what does it kind of look like?

Eli And Ayla (15:24.384)
Yeah, at first everyone kind of meets the new foster kid or kiddos.

Usually my youngest sister is all over them. So it’s kind of like trying to make it as less overwhelming as we can Give them space kind of show them where they’re gonna be staying Kind of give them the rundown of the house meet our pets, you know Maybe see if they want to play a board game or something Well, whatever meal is being prepared. Like you I said, we usually just do a movie night or get pizza or something Yeah, and the first few days you’re kind of just like getting into the flow of it

like of what it’s like to have another person around the house, what the needs are, what the schedule’s gonna be like and stuff like that. So, yeah.

Courtney (16:11.406)
Yeah, people ask me, that’s a question I get to, like, what’s it like those first minutes, those first moments? And for us, we’ve never had a placement where we didn’t already have kids. And so it’s an easy transition to, we kind of let you guys do that work. And that sounds not because we don’t want to give our time and our energy, but because kids are drawn to kids, right? And kids make kids feel comfortable. And so you guys actually, believe it or not, take the big load off of Dad and I when a new kid or teen shows up.

by just taking them around because again, they feel more comfortable with you than they’re going to feel with us in those moments. And it is a beautiful thing to see you guys giving them a tour of the house. And the board game is often a thing like, hey, do you want to play a game? And most kids have some game that we have that they love. And so they’ll just sit down and play a game together. And dad and I kind of take that step back and we’re there, but we’re kind of watching and listening and interjecting as we need it until we can tell. Like you can just tell them a person’s countenance once they.

feel comfortable. so we will, once we see that they’re more comfortable, then we’ll kind of dive in and start talking about more logistics of the house and stuff.

Okay, so we are not going to pretend that this is all peaches and roses, especially on you guys, on us, on our family. It’s not been an easy thing. It’s been very hard emotionally and physically, spiritually, like all the stuff. We have been attacked by many different angles through fostering. And there’s just a lot that goes into it, a lot more than the general public, I think, really recognizes and sees and knows of the pain and the hurt and the good and all that that goes into our family on a day to day basis.

And so I’m sure there’s been times when you guys have been like, I just wish that we’d stop fostering or I wonder my life would have been like if mom and dad had never, we’d never adopted or we’d never done foster care. But I know that there’s also, you guys have both pulled us in your own words at different times, like how much you appreciate this life and how thankful you are. And I know you guys love your adopted siblings so much. But Ayla.

Courtney (18:11.474)
and Eli, but Eli, you go first. What would you say the hardest parts of fostering?

Eli And Ayla (18:19.01)
Yeah, I think there are a few, as mentioned before, sometimes it’s saying goodbye. Like, you get attached, you you love on these kids and then they go back to their parents, which is really the aim of foster care. But sometimes it is really hard to say goodbye. And other times it’s just like emotionally draining. Sometimes you just, don’t want to have to entertain the kids anymore. You want to be able to go in your room and read a book, you know, be by yourself. So sometimes that’s hard too. And other times it’s hard to…

Yeah, it’s just like hard on your family, on how they treat people in the family and how it just ways to like navigate that. So that’s hard too sometimes.

Courtney (18:59.834)
Eli, what would you add?

Eli And Ayla (19:01.262)
I mean I also wrote down saying goodbye, but Apart from that again like I’m very slow when it comes to patience so a lot of times it takes My mom even when there’s you know kids have been through a lot so be there will be times when you know kids are raising their voices and kids are Not in a sense they might be yeah, they’re having a little bit of a break Yeah, yeah, but it’s just like

Courtney (19:22.546)
Cussing, cussing, punching the walls. You can say it, Eli.

Eli And Ayla (19:30.85)
Those are times when it’s like, I like look over at my mom, I’ll look over at my dad and it’s like, do you do something? what are you supposed to do? But it’s in times like those when it’s like, you know, it’s times like those when you really need to realize, you know, this kid has been through the wringer and this is all he knows. And when people are starting to love them a lot of times, it’s pretty new to them. I love them in the right way at least.

when they break down, it’s something that you just need to continue loving them through. And for me, that’s difficult, but I know it’s also difficult for a lot of people. know, when you’re getting yelled at, when you’re insulted and just phones. like it’s hard to love people through that. I think it’s just another one of the very valuable lessons and, you know, good things that foster care teaches both you and your family.

Courtney (20:27.494)
Yeah, so speaking more onto that, either how have dad and I helped you guys through a hard placement or a kiddo that you just really struggle to connect with in the moment or just through that placement.

Eli And Ayla (20:40.174)
Sure, I remember, so I like video games for instance and we’ve had a few teens in the house that like video games is all they play and I’d say my young brother Owen and I, love being outside, we love doing those sorts of things, all of us do. But even you guys encouraging us like, hey, you know, we usually only allow X amount of time on TV but let’s connect with this kid and you know, meet him at his comfort level.

and build that friendship. then even after, like after doing that, was like, you know, taking a step back and approaching him. And that way we were able to, you know, blossom a pretty good friendship with that foster kid. And that was a lot of fun, you know, I’ve never played so much Mario Kart in my life, but it was worth it.

Courtney (21:26.244)
A-Lev, would you add anything?

Eli And Ayla (21:28.28)
Yeah, I would say sometimes you guys even just sit us down when you guys can tell we’re having a rough day and just kind of remind us like why we do foster care and you guys encourage us like, yeah, you guys are doing a great job and I know this is hard. Sometimes they’ll give us days off like just go, go in town, go be with your friends, go have a sleepover, know? Go take some time to yourself, you know, just whatever. You’ll just give us some time away and really encourage us.

Courtney (21:56.819)
And vice versa, Eli kind of alluded to it. We’ve had teenagers, and not teenagers, but usually teenagers in our house who have thrown stuff at us, cussed at us, not allowed us to move further because they’re not gonna stand and not move, things like that. One thing we know is,

This the kids behavior and I think we’ve done well to hopefully have teaching you guys a little bit what we call it. We may haven’t told you guys the word TBR I but trust based relational intervention of how to connect with kids and there’s a reason behind their behavior and when a kid is doing that, they’re really telling us something they’re telling us they either need something. They’re sad. They’re thinking about something. There’s a reason they’re not just standing in the doorway and not moving because I want to make the Williams family mad right there doing it because something in their body is off and I think we’ve.

hopefully explain that well to you guys. But even in the moment, sometimes Eli, you specifically, again, patience isn’t always your virtue, but you have sometimes stepped up to be able to say, you know, when there’s a teenager, they’re just screaming in my face and telling me off and talking to me in a really inappropriate way. There have been times when you’ve stepped up and you just stopped and stood kind of firm, not touching them, but stood there and be like, you will not talk to my mom this way. And I think sometimes when you guys step in like that too, it’s probably more meaningful than you know, because they’re like,

This is a peer telling me this, not just Courtney telling me this, but this is a peer telling me this. And I think they take that differently when they hear that from you. And not only when they hear that from you, but the other thing, I get this, like our caseworkers tell us all the time, we have a placement right now that is a teenager. And our caseworker always says, the best thing for this kiddo has been in a home with solid teenagers who are teaching him what it should be like to be in a family, what it should be like to love his mom.

what it should be like to be part of a family and help with chores and clean up and these things. And it is, like you guys are a huge equation, part of the equation of our foster care journey. And I hope you guys really see that and understand that. Especially when we’ve got those hard kiddos and yeah, the kiddos that maybe are a little more hard to connect with or the same age as you. I think I was telling somebody else this recently that I feel like probably the hardest thing.

Eli And Ayla (23:59.17)
So,

Courtney (24:08.786)
Like I said, Eli, we fostered and adopted out of birth order. We adopted kids older than you. We fostered kids older than you. And I think it’s safe to say, Eli, you can disagree with me if you want, but that hasn’t ruined your life. In fact, you were the one that kind of asked us to adopt older kids. But the one thing I’ve noticed is not necessarily for our family, I’m not saying this is every family, but for our family, it hasn’t necessarily been birth order that has been the hardest. It’s been when we have a teen or a kid that’s at the same age and the same gender as one of our kids.

Eli And Ayla (24:19.501)
Yeah.

Courtney (24:38.48)
So like, Ayla, I know we had a teenage girl before we moved, our most recent move, she was like the same age, a girl, shared a room with you, and those seem to be the hardest ones is when it’s, again, the same gender, the same age as one of our kids. Birth order doesn’t seem to matter as much, but that seems to be really hard. Would you say that you agree that those have been kind of the harder placements is when it’s a kid that’s, you the same gender as you and the same age as you?

Eli And Ayla (25:01.026)
Yeah.

Courtney (25:03.698)
Ayla, I also think that that placement, again, I remember there were some times where you would get frustrated because she really liked to be in her room and which was your room. And so you’d often come out and you’d be like, mom, like she’s taking over my room. Right. And that would happen and you had to learn how to do that dance. She was with us for four months. It was a temporary placement. knew she was moving on to an adoptive home. so you knew it was temporary and I think that helped as well.

But there were also some really sweet moments. I don’t know if you remember, but there were some times when you guys would be up so late at night talking. And I would say, Ayla, you’re making her stay up or you’re not making her go to bed. It’s one o’clock in the morning. You guys should be in bed at 10. And you would say, but mom, we were having the most meaningful conversation or we were having a really deep conversation or she was really struggling today and I was really helping her. Again, I…

don’t think you two realize how much of a difference and an impact you’ve made on these kids and just staying up past hours, even if it’s breaking the house rules or being on video games longer than we would typically allow, just connecting with them. So thanks for all that you guys have done.

So you guys are both young, I mean you probably feel old but you’re young and have a lot of life plans, goals already, but easily life plans can change. Eli, I’m curious what you would say. Be honest, do you plan to be a foster parent one day?

Eli And Ayla (26:33.57)
You know, that’s something that, you know, I was actually thinking about when I was reading through some of the questions you were going to ask us today. And I was like, you know, I’ve always said I would love to adopt. but I think for a lot of people, you know, it’s easier said than done. especially when thinking about going, like things are getting real. shipping off for bootcamp in June.

Courtney (26:55.919)
Let’s pause. I’m going to ask you that question again because that do you know how to put the dad’s computer on do not disturb? I thought I did it but

Eli And Ayla (27:02.51)
You have to go up here. Push this thing right here. And then push focus. And then do not disturb. Yeah, I kept dinging a few times. Alright.

Courtney (27:06.674)
I’m going make a little note that we have to pause here. I just think it was really loud right in middle when you started to talk.

Courtney (27:21.49)
them.

Okay, so know you guys are both young. You probably feel like you’re older than you are. I mean, you know how old you are, but you probably feel old. You’re like mature, but you still are really young relatively in life. And I know you both have life goals and life plans, but they can easily change. Sometimes you think at your age, you know exactly what you’re going to do and then it changes. But I’m just curious, if I were to ask you today, I am asking you today, Eli, do you plan to be a foster parent someday?

Eli And Ayla (27:47.822)
Sure. I think the most simple answer to that question is I’d love to. I’ve seen what has done to my life and my family’s life. I’ve been able to make good friends and I still walk through the halls of DHS and we’ll have a place and walk in and be hey, how are you doing? It’s deeper than just a friendship. You’re actually like a brother. You’re actually family to me for a long time.

So like, yeah, short answer, I’d love to, but I think which you and a lot, all of you would admit, it’s like, you know, it’s a lot easier said than done. Cause especially going to the Marines, there’s a lot that entails with that. Now looking into the future, like I said, I’d love to. If the Lord allows me and makes that available to me, 100%, I’d be all in to do that. But yeah, it just completely depends on where I am and…

you know, 20 years, so.

Courtney (28:44.05)
I’m not gonna lie, that answer shocks me. I was expecting to ask this question and I was expecting to get a no and a yes. So we’ll continue this conversation.

Eli And Ayla (28:49.838)
I mean, I’ll be completely honest with you. When it comes to foster care, for whatever reason, it’s kind of like, you know, I’m little more hesitant towards it because, you know, like I’ve said three times now, I’m not very strong in the patient’s department. So without people around me who can really help me being like being able to actually be the parent in that situation, it would take a lot. But adoption is definitely something that I could see myself going.

fallen to, so.

Courtney (29:20.978)
Okay, Ayla, let’s see if you surprise me too. Ayla, right now in life, see yourself fostering someday.

Eli And Ayla (29:27.598)
100 % yes, I do. It’s definitely something that…

I want to keep doing for the foreseeable future. I want my kids to be able to experience it the way we have, to be able to learn these life values, how to be compassionate and patient, and how to get along with kids and even get along with the kids’ parents. To be able to grow friendships and relationships through it is something that I want to keep doing and something I want my kids and my family to someday be able to do too.

Courtney (29:59.366)
That answer didn’t surprise me.

Eli And Ayla (30:01.052)
You

Courtney (30:04.242)
Okay, I know I’ve already said it, but really I hope you do know that you have made a lasting impact on many, many, many children and youth. Quite frankly, I would say as much as Dad and I have. In fact, when people ask us, how have you guys kept fostering so long? This has been years and how do you keep doing it? all the time, 100 % of the time my answer is Jesus, but our kids. Our kids are how we’ve kept fostering because again,

You guys help us so much and we hopefully we don’t lean on you guys so much where you feel like we’re just draining you, right? But kids, again, make kids comfortable. make kids sad. Like you guys have that, the ability to relate with them at a different level than dad and I can, right? And that, again, the impact that you’ve made, the friendships that you’ve made, the brotherhood, the sisterhood that you’ve been able to form with them is just super special. And it is how dad and I can say yes.

Again, we ask permission, we take breaks, we do the things that we need to as a family, but you guys are what keep us going and you guys are really great kids. So before we finish this, one thing I want to share, I wasn’t planning on sharing, but I want to this little story because I think it’s, again, for those of that are listening, maybe that aren’t foster parents, but to just know how you can make an impact on the kids that are already in the home. People ask us, like, how can we support the foster youth? And that’s great, right? Or they’re…

they’re by our mom or you as the foster parents, but people often overlook you guys. like I said, you guys give so much of your time and your energy and your bedroom space and your toilet, like all the stuff. You just give and give and give. And I know dad and I get worn out. So I know that you guys do too as well. And last year we had our first therapeutic foster placement. It was a really hard placement and the placement left right at Christmas break. So Christmas break rolled around, placement leaves. We were going to North Dakota for

We’re going to be there for a week. The day we got to North Dakota, we found out that my brother-in-law was in a bad situation and he was coming to live with us with his two little kids who didn’t know English and just were very needy at the time. And so we actually had to leave our Christmas break early, just got done with the therapeutic placement, thought we were going to get a break. We left Christmas early. We did Christmas and I left immediately to come home and then care for two little kids that

Courtney (32:24.62)
needed so much of our time and so much of our patience. And I was super sad for you guys because I felt like you guys needed a break. And me too, but I was like, my kids need a break. And I didn’t tell, I told some close friends that this was the situation, but I didn’t tell them like, my kids need a break. And I did say some, I’m sure I said something like, I’m just sad that we had to leave Christmas early. And we had two of our closest friends, Josh and Jinnia, they called and they said, we are going to come pick your kids up.

and we are going to take them on a four day trip to Moab. I want you guys to just tell, like, because in that moment, honestly, probably the sweetest thing that’s ever happened to me as a foster mom, again, it wasn’t foster, it was kinship, but it was still like, we were drained from fostering and to have them come to our house and pick you four up, four of our kids, our four oldest that were at home at the time, pick them up and take you guys on a four day trip. What did that mean to you guys in the moment and what was needed of you after that long fostering?

journey and then now we have two little kids running around our house.

Eli And Ayla (33:26.862)
I think, well I was just more excited to go to Moab. I didn’t even realize it was more of a break, to be honest with you. I just thought it was kind of them just offering, hey, let’s go to Moab. I’ve always wanted to do this, let’s do it, because I love off-reading and whatnot. But thinking back on it now, that’s definitely been, like I still think about the trick of like the memories pop up on the phone and it’s like, that was so cool.

But I do remember, well, just looking back now especially, it’s you know, it’s pretty special to have friends and family and people like that in your lives who, you know, even though I didn’t see that was a break for me and my siblings, but, you know, they recognized the need, and they were right there to step in. So the importance, you even though when you asked me earlier, hey, are you willing to do foster care? It’s like, you know.

It’s gonna be hard if I ever do it, especially for me. But looking around and realizing I have friends and family who would in a moment set down their everyday lives, their needs and their plans and be, no, we’re gonna wrap around you and we’re gonna help you, because not only helping you, we’re helping this kid. And at the end of the day, that’s what’s most important.

Courtney (34:40.538)
Yeah, and for us as parents and again if you’re listening and you’re not a foster parent but you can support a foster family in that way like our kids need those breaks our family needs those breaks but I love the people I’m sure you guys have a people asked you guys before like in the middle of a placement like hey Eli hey how’s it going how’s it going with so-and-so or how are you doing you know mom and dad hopefully ask you this question but when you have a mentor or somebody from church or somebody that’s close to us ask you that personally or take you out to coffee I’m sure that it’s just a different feeling of appreciation and feeling like

I’m feeling seen and valuable in the situation by people outside of my family. So a huge thing, again, that you can do if you’re listening is to pay attention to the bio kids, the kids, not even just bio, but all of our kids are adopted kids as well, right? The kids of the foster families who are already in the home, who are giving so much, and think about ways that you can support them and rally around them as well.

Okay, we’re about to close this off. One question we like to end with is asking people this question. So I want you guys to both finish the sentence. Eli, what kids in foster care really need is…

Eli And Ayla (35:46.584)
Family. Family.

Courtney (35:48.818)
Simple as that, or do you want to expand on that?

Eli And Ayla (35:51.882)
Simple as that. All I need is people who love them and will love them and surround them like family so they ultimately can go back to the family that they have. That’s all I need.

Courtney (36:02.034)
And part of that, Eli, I’m not disagreeing with you. I’m challenging you because I think you kind of said this in your answer too, is a lot of people will say, you know, what kids in foster care need most is love and just leave it there. And I always tell people it’s not all they need. They don’t just need love. Right. But family are used together. Family makes mistakes. And these kids need to see again, like you said, like they are their goal is to go back home with their family. And so if their goal is to go back home, we’re going to teach them how to be in a family healthily and

Eli And Ayla (36:31.138)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (36:31.504)
responsibly and all the stuff that goes into being a family and that includes the bad stuff, right? A lot of, we do have kids that come into our home that think, you guys are a perfect family. And then we pretty quickly show them we’re not a perfect family. Like there’s no such thing, right? We argue, we make mistakes, we make each other mad, but hopefully we also show them how to repair those mistakes and what it looks like when you’re arguing and now you come back together. So they learn how to do that.

Eli And Ayla (36:37.326)
you

Eli And Ayla (36:41.996)
Yeah.

Eli And Ayla (36:53.87)
100%. I think even just a recent example of that using a lot of last placement actually ended up being, you know, especially to me, like, you know, we were still friend, like I said, passing in the hallways at DHS and it’s like, how are doing, man? But

You know, towards the end of that, know, beginning, it’s just all argument. Like, it was hard in the beginning. But towards the end, you know, he’d come home and, you we were friends. I could tell when he’s having a bad day. instead of going to his room, you know, again, we both liked video games. And so I turned on the TV and let’s play video games and talk. And so towards the end of that, it was like, you know, he was even open enough to show me. like, dude, like…

Thank you, he thanked me and then he just said, know, we, a lot of those kids haven’t had someone who’s really willing to sit down and ask them the questions that they’re begging, inside begging people to ask them. what’s going on? Like, what can I do to help you? Why was, even the question of why was your day so horrible? Like, what happened today and how can I help you with that?

So for him, was like, that was the family. That is the family aspect. know, it’s not all, know, giddy and all that. It’s all about, you know, when they come home or when they’re having a rough go at it, that you still wrap around them and you still show them, you might be used to being alone, but now you’re not alone. And so I think that’s what family’s all about.

Courtney (38:23.898)
Ayla, how would you answer that? What kids in foster care really need is?

Eli And Ayla (38:28.148)
I would say for you to get attached, for families to wrap around, not even families, but friends, community, teachers, but also just going back to love them enough to hold them accountable, to set them to standards. Not standards that you wouldn’t set your other kids’ standards to, but standards that will keep them accountable in life, to help them get good grades, to help them grow, to…

help them eventually get back to their family to help them make connections and stuff. that’s, I think, goes against what a lot of people say is like, what if I get too attached? But no, that’s what they need.

Courtney (39:05.362)
Thank you guys. Wise kids. Wise kids. And your kids, Eli, I know you’re 18, but you’re still a to me. You’ve always been my kid. My first, first baby. Eli, if someone’s listening who has thought about fostering but has been hesitant due to their children at home, what encouragement would you leave with them?

Eli And Ayla (39:24.942)
I get this question all the time actually. I don’t know if tell you and dad this at all, but I think it was just the other day. I had one of my good buddies, Ridge. He reached out. He’s like, dude, like, what’s it like having siblings that are older than you or having adopted siblings older than you, foster care siblings that are older you? Like, how is that not hard? And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, man. Like, this is hard.

Courtney (39:27.526)
Do you really?

Eli And Ayla (39:49.326)
Probably the hardest thing you can put your family through, honestly, as plain as it gets. you know, the thing that I think Ayla and any other foster sibling would say is, you know, these are my brothers and sisters at the end of the day. I’ll have people come and ask me, know, Detcho and Nagi, just like, how was that adopting? said, how was it adopting them? Like…

Are you asking me if I regret having my older siblings? Like, they’re my best friends, they’re my brothers. Like, I wouldn’t trade that for the world. And for what? For being the oldest in the household? For having people that aren’t your biological siblings? I feel like a lot of times we can get stuck, like caught on that, where it’s like…

We miss the biggest point where it’s like, this isn’t a curse. It’s one of the greatest blessings. looking at people who ask me this, a lot of times it’ll kind of end in like, man, I never thought about it like that. It’s like, just go and ask anyone. Don’t be afraid to ask, because it’s a good question. Don’t be afraid to go ask people that. But I love that question, because it’s always a look on people’s faces when it’s like, sometimes they’ll ask a question that they don’t realize is so black and white to the people who are actually going through something like that. It’s like.

These, this is my family, these people, my family, even if they’re foster placement for one day, that’s someone that we can now, like I said, I’ll keep using, I walk by in the community and it’s like, it’s deeper than just a friend, it’s deeper than just a quote unquote foster kid. It’s him, we’ve shared something, we’ve probably shouted at each other and gotten arguments that even me and some of my siblings haven’t gotten into and it’s a…

It’s a bond that you, like you said, of kind of like quote, sisterhood or brotherhood. It’s like that. It’s, you walk around, it’s a connection that’s deeper than a lot of people see or realize. And so if people are doubting, you know, what are my kids at home? Again, like I said, it’s hard. People ask me about time. It’s caused, you know, it’s caused pain. It’s called heartache, but it’s caused growth.

Eli And Ayla (41:53.954)
And it’s caused, like you said, a deeper bond with people around you. And a whole mindset, it’s caused me to be able to go out into the world and see it in a completely new light. Because these are all people around us that need help and need love and need to kind of be able to be wrapped around in the only way that you can do that is through loving them like family. And that’s what foster care and adoption provides.

Courtney (42:23.62)
those of you that are just listening, can’t probably know, but I’m actually crying because it just, this is the question that people, it hangs people up so much. And I could look at our family and again, point out all the heartache and the hard things we’ve gone through, but it is, it has been such a beautiful journey. And people ask me all the time, would you choose it again? And it’s hands down, yes, this has been a hard, beautiful, wonderful journey for our family. And, you know, we don’t go out.

We don’t continue fostering. even adopted to be saviors to save people’s lives. But we do hope that we have made a difference and we do hope that we’ve changed their lives for the better, that we’ve shown them again that family is messy. Family is beautiful. Family is wonderful. But family is worth it. And hopefully they’re willing to fight for their families as well, whether they’re adopted, they’re fostered, unified or not. They’re families in the future. We just want to show them something, something special. And again, you too have made that impact.

So I’m actually in the middle of writing a memoir, mostly about our foster care and adoption journey. And I wrote, pre-wrote one of the chapters, because again, this is the question I get all the time, is what about my kids at home? So I pre-published one of the chapters of my book because I wanted people to have this content right now. And it’s called Navigating Foster Care with Your Children. And it goes through 10 different things that we try to incorporate in our family before kids enter our home.

while the kids are at home, so during a placement and then after a placement. And I also have included, I came up with some questions, my kids even helped me with these questions of things that families should ask their kids before they start the foster care or adoption journey. So if you wanna check that out, we’ll have the links that’s linked to in the show note. It’s like $2 on Kindle right now. It’s not about making money, it’s really about just getting it out there. And again, it’s just a short, it’s one chapter out of a future book, but I want people to have that information because we’ve learned a lot. We’ve been doing this for many years and we have learned.

tremendously, just a tremendous amount of things to do, to not do. We failed. My kids can look at you and tell you, yes, we have failed daily. And we want you guys to learn through our mistakes and also the things that we’ve done well. So check that out. Eli and Ayla, thank you so much for being with us. And for those of you that are listening, I encourage you to share this with somebody else, somebody else that you might know that’s been thinking about foster care again, maybe they have kids already in the home.

Courtney (44:46.448)
This might be a little encouragement to you, but also give you some just deep, real raw feedback into what it’s like. So Eli and Ela, if you have nothing else to close with, thanks for joining us today.

Eli And Ayla (44:57.486)
Thank you.