Episode 47 – Helpful Tips and Advice When the Going Gets Tough for Foster Families with Bethany Hall

TRANSCRIPT:

Travis (00:06.695)
Welcome to another episode of the Foster Friendly Podcast. I’m your host, Travis Vongess, joined by my cohost Courtney Williams. We are joined today by our first ever repeat guest on the podcast, Bethany Hall. Yes. I mean, we need cupcakes or something. How do we just remote cupcakes? We’re all separate, but we’re going to celebrate. So if you hadn’t heard the previous episode Bethany was on,

Courtney (00:11.822)
Yeah There we go

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (00:19.285)
Yoo-hoo!

So exciting.

Travis (00:32.233)
She was on a previous episode about, you know, foster care and the holidays and kind of some of these pain points around that and just an incredible episode. So be sure to check that out. Bethany Hall is a licensed family nurse practitioner specializing in complex developmental trauma and the director of training and content at Chosen, whose mission is to help children, youth and families prevent and heal trauma through healthy relational connections. Welcome again.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (01:00.065)
That’s good, that was an alcohol.

Courtney (01:01.696)
Yeah, hurts.

Travis (01:01.875)
That was a mouthful. I feel like, did your title change since we had you on last or are you doing more stuff at Chosen?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (01:08.925)
I think my title was already that, but we are just continuing to work on standing up the training and content arm and just moving things upstream to try to reach more people just like y’all are doing with the podcast, just trying to get some bite-sized digestible content in the hands of people that need it.

Travis (01:25.561)
Awesome. Well, that’s also perfect because this month is National Foster Care Awareness Month. And so we want to highlight some of the needs and realities foster families face and then provide some support for them as well. And that’s why our friend Bethany is on today doing just that. before we get rolling more into the topic of the conversation, I want to go around and ask, what is everyone’s favorite foster care movie? And then just give it a few, you know, plot lines or something about it.

Courtney (01:55.566)
I think you can go first.

Travis (01:55.827)
Ahem.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (01:57.026)
Okay, well, that’s nice, because I was like, what if somebody takes my favorite that I’m gonna have a second one? So mine is Sound of Hope. Is that okay? Didn’t take your… Perfect. So we actually at Chosen were part of the release team of that movie, like one of the organizations that helped promote it. And so we got like early access. It was really fun to watch. And honestly, when I first saw it, if you haven’t seen it, about, it’s called the story of Possum Try. It’s about…

Courtney (02:00.052)
I know, don’t say mine.

Travis (02:01.075)
Ha ha ha ha.

Travis (02:06.025)
Mmm, not mine either.

Courtney (02:06.329)
It’s not mine, so yeah, keep going.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (02:23.393)
a small community in Texas that adopted a very large number of children from their foster care system at a local church, a pastor and his wife that kind of started this movement. And honestly, what I love about it is it’s the closest I’ve ever seen to some of the real challenges faced. And so when we first like previewed it and we were being asked to say, would you recommend this for foster families? What would you say? The biggest thing I said was, it could be triggering. You should preview it before you take your kids to see it just because it does really

bring forth some of the really raw challenges and pain points of foster care and how this town imperfectly, but with a lot of love and hope navigates it. So I think it’s cool that it’s so kind of vulnerably showed some of those challenges.

Travis (03:10.525)
That was a great movie.

Courtney (03:12.45)
was a great movie. did a whole podcast episode on it because we loved it so much. yeah, which it’s something that didn’t come to my mind because I love the movie very much as well. But the thing that pops in my mind instantly is instant family because we also use it in our training and foster care training. And so there’s a lot of clips. And I think it’s super cool how the directors pointed out these small things in foster care that come up. And obviously it’s Hollywood and it’s drama. It’s not meant to be like, it’s different than Sound of Hope, the whole feel of the movie.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (03:14.977)
That’s awesome.

Travis (03:16.879)
Haha, broke it down.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (03:26.337)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (03:26.515)
Huh?

Courtney (03:42.722)
But when we put it up in training, people are like, is that really, does that really happen? It’s like, yeah, it actually does. And a lot about labeling and what family members think about it, the transition that you can see over time with kids, like just transformation, I should say. It’s just a really well done movie, but yet it’s funny and humorous and it’s Hollywood. But I think they did a great job at the same time.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (03:48.257)
Mm-hmm.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (03:52.929)
Mm-hmm.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (04:02.561)
Much later. Yeah, yeah.

Travis (04:03.174)
Hahaha

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’m going to, I’m going to go with the ride. so you guys all seen that Courtney? Okay. Okay. So America’s kids belong, did have a connection to something with, think helping market that or something with, the star of the show, the real story, John Bolchans, sorry, John, if I’m mispronouncing your name, but, put into foster care young and then, but part of it for me is like you said, Bethany with sound of hope, super gritty. mean, this one is very real.

Courtney (04:12.64)
I seen it, yeah, yeah.

Travis (04:35.539)
because it was a very tough story. I his parents were white supremacists, at least his dad was. He’s then put into foster care and then adopted later than by a biracial couple. One, the dad played by Ludacris. there’s some, you know, like epic stuff. And then a BMX rider. And then he goes on to actually be, John later becomes to be the manager, I think, for Haro Bikes, which is a huge BMX brand. But.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (04:50.155)
You know it’s good when.

Courtney (04:50.254)
Yeah.

Travis (05:03.899)
One of the things when I was reading about this that was really fascinating, it gives the layer to it is that John in the movie plays his own dad and they, and which you could imagine triggering or what that was like. But he said that no other actor could be as truthful to playing as that as he could. So he had to take on this sort of vicious, what he described as an evil person. So imagine that and to relive that memory is as you’re acting out your dad. So anyway, that was the ride. Check it out on Prime.

Courtney (05:32.32)
Yeah, good little plug there. We got to watch it. It’s been years since I’ve seen it.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (05:33.249)
Getting everybody ready for our next movie night, right?

Travis (05:34.378)
Yeah. Yeah, I do too. That’s right.

Courtney (05:39.342)
There you go. Well, as Travis mentioned, it is National Foster Care Awareness Month. So foster care is a focus around the nation right now. Bethany, as we dive into this, what’s one message that you hope people hear regarding the current state of foster care around our nation?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (05:56.769)
that there is a lot of hope that there are families that are doing the work that are raising their hands that are saying yes and yet the need is never ending. So unfortunately there’s just always, there’s always kids that need people that are willing to step in the gap and to say, I will willingly take on the pain of somebody else, the challenges of somebody else to make their load a little lighter. And so,

I’m excited to see the fact that I feel like as a nation we’re getting better about understanding trauma and its effects and it’s more, what I would say is more mainstream, there’s more resources out there. And so I do see families saying, I have better tools. I feel like I can engage this. I understand it a little bit better. And so I’m hopeful that that will just continue to encourage families to be willing to take the risk and to say they are willing to step into foster care.

Courtney (06:53.762)
Yeah, definitely a need and the need that it’s like you look at the system and it’s like, it’ll never go away, right? There’s always going to be this need in our area, in our community, in our nation. And yeah, you get so easily caught up in the red tape or the what if and all that, but it’s really like that need is not changing. What can we do as a system of people, not like the system, but a system of people coming alongside and making a difference, definitely.

Travis (06:55.166)
Yeah, it is.

Travis (07:00.083)
Mm-hmm, right?

Travis (07:19.411)
Yeah. Yeah. Want to add onto that. So at AKB, we love to work with other orgs that are doing great things. And we really love how Chosen provides one-on-one coaching and trauma education to foster families. So Bethany, tell us a little bit more about that one-on-one piece and how that works with you guys.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (07:38.943)
Yeah, I mean, we just really feel very strongly that the caregivers and parents that are working with these kids day in and day out are critical to their healing. So you can have your kid in all kinds of therapy and all those things are really good and important, but that’s usually hours every week. And as caregivers, we’re the people that are taking those skills and those challenges and those really hard moments and redirecting or building the skills and the tools that they need. And so we just feel really strongly that somebody needs to be pouring into those people.

And so often services just aren’t available for the parents and caregivers. And so we provide weekly parent coaching with staff. The majority of our staff are TBI practitioners and we have lots of training that we have created that they work with these families to say, okay, you’ve read the book. You maybe had some trainings. Let’s talk about what actually happened this week in your house. And are the tools that you have working? Do we need to make adjustments?

and just really making it super practical to the day in and day out challenges they’re facing to try to lift some of that caregiver burden of feeling like, don’t know what to do or I tried this and it’s not working. So we don’t wanna just be one more thing that you have to attend. We do it all virtual through a telehealth model so we can work with families that are in the most resource desert kind of areas of the United States, I also love. So we really just wanna equip them because we believe that they are the ones that are gonna be able to bring about the healing that these kiddos need.

Travis (09:02.185)
That’s cool. remember, you know, so my experience was working at a children’s home for a few years, my wife, and we were so resource for support. I mean, I just remember like when there were, you know, major meltdowns and, or, or a situation that you just did not know how to, you know, figure out or what to do. We had the ability because of the campus and the support there to call what we called, you know, a consultant actually. And it was like, and it was to walk us through and like, okay, I almost felt like a nine on one operator at times. Like, okay.

calm down, everyone’s okay. And then kind of walking you through that. like, I love that about, mean, so you’re coaching, so that’s available to where people that have these hard situations can have coaches, you’re saying, to help through some of that stuff.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (09:45.215)
Yeah, one of my favorite stories of when I was doing parent coaching was I had a mom call me. We’d been talking all week about her kiddo struggling to do bath time and she called me at like seven o’clock one night. She texts and she’s like, I’m about to call. OK, is that all right? I’m like, sure. Call me whatever she’s like. Listen, I have every essential oil we own out on the cupboard out on the counter. We’ve tried it. I’ve done all the things I’ve given him choices and he still won’t get in the bath. And I am so mad. I’m like, OK, rock slowly out of the bathroom, right?

Courtney (10:00.302)
Listen, I have every crucial oil we own out of company, out of the counter, we provide it, I’ve done all the things, I’ve given them to you, and they still get in the bath, and I am so mad. I’m totally out of the bathroom right

Travis (10:12.073)
Ha

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (10:12.469)
Take yourself to the corner, take some rest, right? So it just is really great. Like you said, in that moment, you need somebody to regulate you. I need somebody to say, I’m losing it, help me. And so that’s one of the things that I’m most proud of that we’re able to do is provide that in the moment support because everybody needs somebody to listen to them, to support them, to say, I got you, and parents more than anybody sometimes.

Courtney (10:20.168)
I’m it.

Courtney (10:34.996)
Yeah. And I love how it’s the virtual, you know, the pros of that these days of being able to reach those small communities. So those people, you know, I’m from North Dakota. I was foster parent there. And when we moved to Colorado, I was like, my goodness, I can’t believe all these resources and things they didn’t just wasn’t available in North Dakota. So to be able to reach those families to that they’re struggling that are out there and that the states are the communities that don’t have, you know, aren’t those big hubs that have all the resources.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (11:00.277)
Yeah, for sure.

Courtney (11:02.83)
Bethany, another thing that Chosen does is you guys really suggest that foster parents understand their own attachment styles. Why is that so important as we bring children into our home that we understand ourselves so we can better understand them or help them?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (11:16.959)
Yeah, well, you you all know, before we got in here, we were sharing stories about how our weeks went and, you know, life happens. And when you have a lot of kids or you have kids that have challenges, that is it’s it’s really difficult. And so when I start working with a family, I always say it’s easy to think about the behaviors and to focus on what’s happening in your home. But at least 50 percent of the equation is how I respond to what’s happening in my home. And sometimes it’s a lot more than that.

Courtney (11:21.134)
Yeah

Travis (11:21.544)
haha

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (11:45.225)
And it can be the most difficult thing to face. I know it was for me to realize that things that I was doing, maybe well intentioned or maybe just because out of habit or because I was losing my temper was escalating my kids behaviors. And so for me to be able to take an honest look and say, what am I doing that’s not working and why it all came down to attachment for me, you know, the majority of it, my triggers, the things that made me the most frustrated, the things that made me most afraid.

a lot of it had to do with how I was parented. And a lot of the tools I was using that weren’t working were just tools that my parents used with me that honestly worked for me. But because they worked for me, those were the ones I reached for. And for certain ones of my kids that had experienced significant hardship, they didn’t work well. And so understanding my own attachment, understanding my relationship with my parents and how I was parented and the tools, I always say like the tools in my toolbox,

Travis (12:16.755)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (12:33.939)
Mm-hmm.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (12:41.897)
understanding those and why I reached for them and where they maybe fell short was really important for me to know when I was going to need to have an extra strategy, be able to call on my spouse to engage or what kind of places I had gaps where I needed to find some new tools to use.

Courtney (12:57.614)
I love that. So Bethany, Travis, do you guys know what your attachment style is? what’s yours?

Travis (12:58.345)
you

Travis (13:03.305)
boy, I do.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (13:03.605)
I do.

Travis (13:07.769)
I do. Well, let me start by saying, so I do partly also because so my wife is super into everything with emotional health and emotional IQ and all this. She’s a relationship coach. So I’m probably her biggest challenge and married to me. but I have learned a lot and. yeah, all the time. And yeah, exactly. And, but, but we’re also in a course right now together on attachment. And what, what for us is.

Courtney (13:21.293)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (13:24.033)
She’s fully assessed you and given you feedback, I’m sure.

Travis (13:37.369)
I thought I was avoidant. I know they call it dismissive avoidant or disorganized is also called fearful avoidant, I’ve learned. So anyway, I thought I was avoidant, she was anxious. Now we’ve both realized we’re both fearful avoidant or what they call disorganized, which is a really tough, mean, it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. mean, like that was part of our upbringing and how we…

came about, it was like that attachment style where it’s like, it’s kind of a mix of anxious avoidant. And so it’s like, we crave closeness, but then fearing vulnerability. So it’s like, you can see where there’s like lots of sparks and then kind of fear underneath that fear, rejection, abandonment. like, anyway, so I’d be under the fearful avoidant. Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (14:22.881)
Yeah, interesting. So when you beat when I became a TBR practitioner, they make you do the the adult attachment interview. So I was like, well, great, this is going to be stressful. So it is like it is a little nerve wracking, right? Travis, like coming into it and being like, they’re about to tell me my what my what my challenges are and all my I got to share all my stressors and my secrets. But by some miracle, I think I have I have earned secure so you can earn secure attachment as you go on with life. But I actually had a little bit of both as well.

Courtney (14:24.852)
Yum.

Travis (14:35.795)
Mm hmm. Yeah.

Right.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (14:51.221)
I had dismissive attachment with my relationship with my dad, and then I had anxious avoidant with my mom growing up. And so I definitely would say the only reason I have that secure attachment or insecure is because I had to like face the ways that I was engaging in both of those ways. Like you said, where I was, where my natural bent was to be dismissive or was to have that anxious avoidant. So I have like a whole mixture. What about you, Courtney?

Travis (15:14.696)
Yeah.

Courtney (15:16.971)
Yeah, I’ve done the tests many times, different tests, and I always come back secure with a little bit of, what is it, anxious, preoccupied, in that sense of fear of rejection. And it goes with me because I’m a people pleaser to the core, and it’s a sin of mine, it’s a fault of mine, but I’m always fearful of rejection in a sense. But I do feel like I grew up in a very secure home. I’ve had secure relationships. I haven’t gone through a lot of trauma through my relationships.

Travis (15:20.862)
haha

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (15:26.209)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (15:44.854)
leads to that security, but, and you know, that’s like the goal, right? We all want to be those secure, like get to that secure attachment style. And I think for a while I felt like, I’m there, I’ve got it. And then I realized when I bring in kids from hard places and I kind of get that mentality of, I’ve got it, I’ve been in secure relationships, I’ve got this under control. But then I realized all these other personalities coming in. And so just because you might be secure does not mean that you’re going to be like, I’m just got this perfect parenting thing going on and I’m going to be the perfect person for these kids and what they need.

Because I will often get into this, like I just don’t understand them because I’ve not gone through anything like that before, right? And then it goes into my people pleasing, like I don’t want them to reject me. And so that it’s just like all intertwined and it’s very fascinating when you really look into it.

Travis (16:27.689)
Haha, man.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (16:27.809)
Yeah. Well, and I like what you said to Travis, because I always share that with families when they’re like working through some of this is like there’s not like a good or a bad. Obviously, the goal is earned secure. But no matter what attachments how you come in with, there’s always work to be done. And and kids personalities like I find sometimes it’s personality driven that things that irritate me more than others. And so there’s my husband will often say like, do you think that’s the trauma? I’m like, it’s a whole mix. Like it’s the personality. It’s the birth order. It’s the trauma. It’s all the things. So there’s always work to be done in challenges.

Courtney (16:51.352)
Yeah.

Travis (16:51.795)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney (16:56.054)
Yep, definitely.

Travis (16:58.176)
Yeah, and like you said right away was that, know, I mean, we in a way here inherited this from our environment or upbringing. That was not our control. It can still be an incredibly loving household we came from, but because of maybe dad stress and mom, you know, how both of them were relating to life. Well, then that informs kind of what we take in. And so, you know, I, so that’s a good point also that I feel like you said was the reminder that even

like different relationships can sort of trigger certain things. Like, so like I know for me, like some relationships can trigger more of an avoid and escape. Like I just, I need to get away and that’s not always right. And then others, it’s more of that anxious, I need to just chase in and follow and make sure, you know, so it’s like, yeah, but that’s contextual. So yeah, well, lots to learn. So, well, we also know we’d all agree that fostering is hard with an exclamation point.

Courtney (17:37.934)
been a baller

Courtney (17:42.316)
Mm-hmm.

Well, we all.

Courtney (17:52.11)
When the families reach out…

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (17:52.705)
Thank

Travis (17:53.735)
When families reach out to you guys at Chosen Bethany, like what are some of the common reasons you’re kind of hearing lately that families are drowning?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (18:00.479)
Yeah. So I think any time a behavior brings elicits a lot of fear or uncertainty on the part of a caregiver, those are the ones that push people to the edge. Right. So I always share over 80 percent of the families that come to us are at the point of disrupting a placement or dissolving an adoption. So significant crisis. So for this topic today, I think we do have a good pulse on like, what are the breaking points for people? And I just feel like anecdotally, it is it’s those things that cause the most fear.

whether for other children in the home or for that child’s future that tend to push people to the breaking point. So a lot of times it’s aggression, whether that be verbal or physical aggression in the home with a child. We also see, I just did a course on problematic sexualized behavior, any type of sexually acting out tends to be very, very stressful for families as well. And then I would say the rest kind of all fall into the daily habitual things that are also still very triggering. So kids that really struggle with like lying, stealing,

disrespect where the parents feel like, particularly once they hit into adolescence, right? So like you have families that are like, we’ve been working on this for a while. We’ve been trying to help them stop lying or stealing or other disrespect towards us. And we’re kind of just over it. We feel like it’s not getting better. We feel like it perhaps is getting worse as they come into adolescence. And so we do have a lot of families that come to us in that kind of pre-adolescence, adolescence age where maybe some of these behaviors that you wouldn’t say are like horrible, horrible behaviors are like, how’s this going to affect them for the rest of their life?

Are they ever gonna be able to stop doing these things and or we’re just really tired of this and we don’t know if we can do this for another six years till this kid is 18 or is out of our house.

Courtney (19:40.751)
Yeah, great list and things that I see as well, get emails and questions about. And I’ve noticed that these things often lead to blocked care. Can you explain a little bit about like, what is that and how can a foster parent help prevent it or maybe get over it? Not over it, but through it.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (19:47.903)
Mm-hmm.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (19:54.985)
Yeah, mean blocked care is I find the more I share about it, the more everyone’s like, yeah, I think I have that too. I’m like, if you’re a foster parent for any length of time, you probably have it at least with some if not all of your kiddos on some level because the reality is, is that we can know in our heads that what our child is doing is not their fault and they’re not doing it on purpose. And it still really hurt us, right? It’s still be really hard on our own nervous systems. And so when I talk about blocked care, it’s this idea of

Courtney (20:00.695)
Yeah

Travis (20:01.385)
Ha ha ha.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (20:24.777)
I just can’t keep going. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t like this child. I don’t want to be with them. I feel myself withdrawing and that can happen for any number of reasons. think with my adult kids, sometimes I get there because their behaviors make me so afraid and the weight of the what ifs start make me make me start to want to pull back like I don’t even want to know what you’re doing because I’m so afraid for what might happen. So that sometimes can get me into a season of blocks care. I think with my other kiddos that are still in my home, sometimes it’s just that day in and day out of like.

They talk really unkind to me sometimes, or they scream at me, or they say that they wish I wasn’t their parent, or this isn’t a nice house. And I can all day long tell myself, they don’t really mean that, that’s not their fault, it’s coming from the trauma. But to get up the next morning and still be really nice and put the waffle on their plate and say, I love you, I hope you slept well. Like it does something to your heart where you have to be the adult, that have to be the one that gives the first step, that gives the forgiveness.

Travis (21:12.403)
Mm-hmm.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (21:21.301)
that does take a toll. And so if we’re not careful and we’re not intentional to be able to have community to share that and maybe therapy, different things to help lift that burden for us, over time, it just keeps accumulating and accumulating and accumulating until we feel like, just can’t do this anymore.

Travis (21:37.801)
you

Courtney (21:39.096)
Yeah, I feel like for me, the biggest thing is voicing that, like being able to be open about that. Because I feel like we kind of put on this, and I’ve talked about this before, so many people come up to us and are like, your family’s so amazing. And I feel like that leads to this block care as well because we feel like we’ve got to put on this persona of our family’s got to put together, we foster, we’ve adopted, and so we’re like on this pedestal. And that’s just not the truth. But when people see us that way, it’s like, well, I can’t tell that I’m really struggling or I’m struggling with parenting this one child. And so being able to…

For me, it’s been being able to connect with other foster and adoptive families that really get it. I feel like I can be very authentic and real with them and then it helps me recognize or them to even point it out to me like, hey, I think you’re experiencing this and it’s okay that you’re feeling these things, but how can we help each other get through this? For me, that’s been the biggest thing is connecting with other families that really understand where I don’t have to put on some sort of front.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (22:32.937)
It reminds me of when we were missionaries, because when you’re missionaries, you feel kind of the same way. Like everyone thinks that you, you know, you pray for hours a day and your kids never fight. it made me almost like you said, like more insecure. Like I can’t ever tell people that we’re struggling. And so it kind of was a nice primer for me than when we went into foster and adoption, because I was like, this feels very familiar where I’ve got to find my people where, you know, you’re not going to go to your supporters and stand on the stage at church and share every struggle you have. It’s the same thing with foster care and adoption.

you find your people. And I always say like, throw the pebble out. If you share something that you’re struggling with and they’re like, clutching their pearls and looking at you like you’re such a weirdo, like that’s probably not your people. But you’re going to find families that are like, yeah, like I get that. I struggle there too. And like you said, that to me has been the most important is to have people that say, it’s okay that you feel that way. Like that’s normal and you’ll get through it, I think is super important in that community.

Travis (23:09.191)
Haha.

Courtney (23:12.056)
Yeah.

Courtney (23:28.302)
you

Travis (23:28.521)
Hmm. That’s really good. It reminds me of the quote by Amherst, think who said, you know, we all boil at different degrees, you know? And so it’s like, we, yeah. And then so like, and if you’re married or have a partner that where you’re in the house and it feels like sometimes we all would know this with certain kids can be even more triggering for one of us than the other, or we can realize like, Hey, and then that, I guess ability, even within the house at times to say like, I mean, I need to step away. You take over right now or.

I mean, know that’s a huge, that’s a small tool, but that’s a small part of, would you say is kind of helping also with the blocked hair thing. You’re kind of in a maintenance way.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (24:08.959)
Yeah, for sure. mean, we, at least in my house, that’s the way it is. We had, I had a season about a year ago where we had a bunch of deaths in our extended family and friends. And I, had a lot going on with our kiddos. And I remember I got to a day where I ended up in my bed just in the fetal position crying. And I told my husband, I was like, I gotta go. Like I gotta go. I don’t know where I gotta go, but I gotta get out of here. And so he was like, yeah, I think you do. So I literally just drove down the road to a park and I parked my car and I took a nap and I cried really hard and I had a snack and.

Courtney (24:28.15)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (24:37.224)
I just knew I was snapping at all my kids. I was making everything worse. I knew I was engaging in behaviors that were making the problems worse. And so I think, like you said at that time, we’ve got to do something that helps my own nervous system, my own blocked care, because otherwise we just keep putting fuel on the fire. think having a, I have so much respect for people that do this alone because I think, know, gosh, my husband has bailed me out so many times where he’ll look at me like, I think you are part of the problem. I’m like, I think I am too.

Courtney (24:58.701)
Yeah.

Travis (24:59.346)
Yeah.

Courtney (25:05.006)
Yeah. It is. Yeah. Another thing that’s helped me is I’ve gone through seasons, know, different kiddos can be really hard for different seasons or times in their life. And I have tried really hard during those seasons to step back at end of the day and even have to journal it, like write down, like, what do I love about this kid? What brings me joy and what brings the joy in my life?

Travis (25:07.283)
That’s so real.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:08.383)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:26.731)
Mm.

Courtney (25:30.36)
from this child specifically and really focusing on that so that I’m not focusing on the negative all the time. And then to even try to do that to them like, I love when you do this or it makes me feel this when you do this. because the kids feel it as well, right? Like when we’re going through this plucked hair of a kid, they feel it. it makes me feel guilty as a parent, but it’s also real life. But I also want them to feel like mom still loves me and would do anything for me, even though it’s hard right now.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:42.71)
Yeah.

Travis (25:43.422)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:45.216)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:49.985)
Yeah.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (25:57.076)
Yeah, that’s so powerful. I agree. There’s been times we’ve done that too. I think that’s you can choose gratitude, we can choose to focus on something and maybe it’s the same thing every day for a while. Sometimes for me, it’s like, okay, I’m just gonna remind myself of this one thing. I always say, sometimes I watch him sleep. Like when I’m really struggling. I was like, a sleeping kid never talks back, they never yell at you. They’re doing what you asked them to do. So sometimes we’ll just walk in and like you said, think about their preciousness and

Travis (25:57.704)
Yeah.

Travis (26:08.435)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (26:16.723)
Mm-hmm.

for time.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (26:24.297)
and try to remember that because they underneath of all the behaviors, all the challenges, they still are so precious and it takes work sometimes to focus on that piece of it.

Travis (26:34.217)
That is such a great tip. Oh my gosh. Yeah, just keeping it at the forefront of who really they are, not their behaviors and the reminder of that. And man, I love what you said too, Bethany, just a reminder for self-care. Self-care is sometimes just leaving the house and taking those times for ourselves. We need that. And the kids need us to do that. So, yeah, it’s so good.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (26:51.105)
Mm-hmm.

Travis (27:01.437)
Well, you we know that people are listening, you know, who are interested in fostering, but haven’t taken that next step. The cool thing about this podcast is by having guests on like you, you know, after a time, you know, we might say some of the same slogans or they may hear from me and Courtney, you know, same thing about what our message might be or what America’s kids belong messages. But

with other voices, what would you say to others who are considering fostering but haven’t taken that first step? What’s kind of an encouragement to them for you?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (27:35.329)
would say that you’re so blessed in being part of the story. So I was just in Mexico with some of my adult kiddos and I had the privilege of sitting through an engagement party with one of my adult sons and his story has so much brokenness. This is a kiddo who some of his earliest memories are of staying awake to make sure his mom wasn’t so intoxicated when she came home from work that she might vomit and aspirate and die.

from three and four and five years old and cooking for his siblings. And none of his family really is married. They all either live with partners or they have children by multiple people. Like there’s nothing about his story that would say he should want to find somebody that has a faith story like his and commit to this person for life. And so sitting there and meeting her family, which is an intact family and they’re so close and then welcoming him in, I said, know, buddy, don’t.

don’t forget this and let’s not let it just pass by us the miracle of what is happening that you are breaking so many patterns in your family that you have wanted so hard to break. so is there challenges of engaging with kiddos that have hard stories? 100 % and they don’t all end with a bow. Some of them, it’s years to see fruit, but to willingly put ourselves into situations where,

The stories are harder. Maybe we could have had an easier life. It takes some bravery, but I have been so blessed by the stories of my children and the preciousness of seeing them be able to grow and do things that their stories say they should never be able to do. It’s really like witnessing little miracles.

Travis (29:17.289)
Thank

Courtney (29:17.932)
That’s beautiful and just so true. And the transformation that we get to be a part of is it’s life changing for me personally as a mom.

Travis (29:27.861)
Yeah. Yeah. And you’ll never know. I mean, we talked about that a lot. there’s times where, because we don’t know, you know, we’ll never necessarily know the impact that we had, you know, because maybe some kids leave and we’ll lose touch with them for the rest of their lives. the leaning in, loving them, you know, encouraging them and encourage them to fly and shine and things like that, that that’s gold and that’s beautiful. So.

Courtney (29:52.706)
Bethany, as we close this out, question for you. If you could change one thing about the foster care system, what would it be?

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (30:03.243)
that we would do better to support the reunification and the biofamilies. I just think, you know, with one of my daughters, I see her bio mom and what she goes through day in and day out. And I think the poverty that they live in, not just financial, but the lack of emotional resources and community is what is keeping her stuck. And, you know, as a family, we love to engage with her and try to encourage her. But ultimately, she really lacks so many things that I think

would help her to advance with the children that she’s raising. And I feel like we should invest at least as much, if not more into these families as we are into foster families. And we as foster parents, like we need resources, foster and adoptive families, we need those resources too. But we just can’t forget, like these kiddos deserve a chance to be with the parents that birthed them. And we need to try to do our very best as foster parents and as just as…

as like you said, the system to make sure we’re doing everything we can for those parents as well.

Travis (31:06.793)
Thank

Courtney (31:07.468)
So true. And if you’re listening, this is the end of foster care awareness month. Next month, June, it’s highlight of reunification month. So we are doing four episodes all on reunification the month of June. So come back next week and the week after and for four weeks, listen to some great stories of reunification and why it matters so much. And yeah, just so true what you just said, Bethany.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (31:21.697)
Yeah.

Travis (31:29.093)
And Bethany, you just set us up for the segue you didn’t even know was coming up is that very thing.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (31:32.747)
Simmons. You guys just have such a great pulse on what’s needed. I love it. Kudos to you.

Courtney (31:41.528)
funny. Yeah, well, thank you for this conversation. We love what you guys are doing at Chosen. Love being able to chat with you anytime. Like I said, you’re our first second time guest. And so obviously we love you. And just I know it is. Yeah, it’s a natural conversation. Yeah, you’re one of the easiest guests.

Travis (31:43.507)
Well…

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (31:55.361)
Just like hanging out with friends. I love it. And happy foster care month because you know just want to shout out to all the families that are in the trenches. It is like you said there’s so many challenges and just applauding so many families that have said yes. You know we we could have easier lives and in more simple simple days but you know just thankful for how many families are willing to help with the healing of these kiddos because they’re worth it.

Travis (31:58.867)
That’s right. That’s right.

Courtney (32:24.034)
And for those of you that are listening, like Bethany just pointed out some really hard, real things that these foster families go through. And if you’re listening and that’s not you, maybe you could do something to bless the foster family this month. Be like, hey, I understand now. I understand a little more now of what goes in day in and day out. And bring them a meal, send them a gift card, bring them a cup of coffee, sit down and just chat on their porch. You know, something to just encourage them as well this month.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (32:34.422)
Yeah.

Travis (32:50.153)
words.

Courtney (32:51.182)
Yeah. Well, thanks for joining us. We appreciate you and all that you do.

Bethany Hall (Chosen) (32:54.335)
Yeah, thanks. It was such a great time hanging out with y’all.

Travis (32:57.555)
Good seeing you again, thanks.