The episode concludes with a discussion on learning from mistakes in foster care, emphasizing the importance of adapting to the needs of children in care. The three also discuss the complexities of foster care, focusing on how to communicate with children about their circumstances, the impact of trauma on behavior, and the importance of resources and training for foster parents. They emphasize the need for empathy and understanding in dealing with children who have experienced trauma, and provide practical advice for those considering becoming foster parents.
Pickup a copy of Laura’s new book “First Time Fostering: A Practical Guide for Supporting Kids in Foster Care”
- Foster Care Awareness Month is a time to highlight the need for families.
- Laura’s book provides practical advice for new foster parents.
- It’s important to balance honesty with the need to recruit foster families.
- Single foster parents play a crucial role in the foster care system.
- Preparation for foster children includes both physical and emotional readiness.
- Therapeutic toys can help children communicate and process their experiences.
- Documentation and organization are key for single foster parents.
- Convertible furniture can save money and space for foster families.
- Sensory items are essential for helping children regulate their emotions.
- Learning from past mistakes is vital for growth in foster care. Parents should answer children’s questions about foster care age-appropriately.
- Children may come into foster care with fears and misconceptions.
- Books about foster care should be chosen carefully to avoid misleading outcomes.
- Foster care is about stepping in to help families in need.
- Conversations about foster care should evolve as situations change.
- Trauma can manifest in various behaviors in children.
- Empathy and compassion are crucial in supporting children in care.
- Training and resources are essential for effective foster parenting.
- There will always be an element of uncertainty in foster care.
- Being open to learning and adapting is key to successful foster parenting.
TRANSCRIPT:
Courtney Williams (00:01.538)
Hello and welcome to the Foster Friendly Podcast. My name is Courtney Williams, one of the hosts along with my cohost, Travis Vongness. And Travis, this is May, which means it is.
Travis (00:12.106)
Foster Care Awareness Month, woo hoo!
Courtney Williams (00:13.738)
There we go. You knew the answer. I’m glad. And so we are super excited to have one of the probably most well-known names and faces in foster care. A repeat guest, one of our only our second ever repeat guests, I think. And you were also here last May, which was foster care awareness month. So we have with us again, Laura, the foster parent partner.
Travis (00:29.3)
Wow.
Laura (00:30.0)
How?
Mm-hmm.
Laura (00:36.804)
Hey.
Courtney Williams (00:36.886)
Laura is a social media creator who creates videos and provides practical advice and relatable stories to help others navigate the complexities of foster care. And she just released her first book, First Time Fostering.
Travis (00:52.98)
There it is.
Laura (00:54.208)
Yes, thank you. Super exciting. Yes, I really appreciate you guys having me back. It’s amazing. I love talking to you all and I love the work you do. So thank you so much.
Courtney Williams (00:56.221)
So welcome for the second time, Laura.
Courtney Williams (01:06.306)
Yeah.
Travis (01:08.042)
Great to have you. You’re always welcome on. So really looking forward to this conversation and well, let’s just kind of get started talking a little bit about your book. So now you’re known as Courtney said, for your practical videos on foster parenting, which often get millions of views on YouTube. It’s honestly phenomenal. Also, as I consider like how marginalized the space of foster care is. So for your work and efforts to get that many eyes on a space that desperately needs it is amazing. So thank you for all you do in that.
Now, as we talk about your book, really fascinated. Tell us about what made you write that? What was the origin story of that? And how was writing a book different than all your YouTube content creation?
Laura (01:51.534)
Yeah, I really, to be honest, resisted it for a while because I didn’t feel like I could get some of the magic of the videos into book form. people kept asking me, do you have this all written down somewhere? I don’t have time to go through the hundreds of videos. And so I started blogging on Patreon and offering some
blog post to kind of summarize some information. But ultimately, that still was just, you know, a lot of effort for people who are in the weeds who are wanting answers now. And so I was like, okay, let’s, let’s try to put this in book form. And, you know, as I was putting the outline together and drafting some chapters, I really started to believe in it too. And like, now that it’s done, I’m like, yes, this is it. If you are, you know,
liking my videos and appreciating the content and learning something, it it mirrors my content. have, you know, lots of information, all age groups, it’s crowdsourced, it includes tidbits and, you know, nuance that community members have shared and there’s scripts as a starting place. So you’re still going to get all that information, but this is now in a handheld field guide for people who are really looking to sit down with the information.
Courtney Williams (03:16.758)
And it’ll also be on audiobook and audible and stuff like that.
Laura (03:20.332)
It will absolutely be so if you prefer to learn, you know, while you’re driving in the car or waiting in the waiting room for a visit. You absolutely can listen to it as well. And I am narrating it. So you’ll still hear my voice and hear me say the scripts and all of that. So
Courtney Williams (03:38.594)
Love it. Yeah. Well, Laura, my husband and I, so we’ve been licensed for 19 years now. And over the years, we’ve spoke to multiple groups, multiple states. And as we’ve done that, when we first started fostering, used to, you we first learned about this need and jumped in. We would try to talk everybody into fostering. It was like, everybody needs to do this. There’s a need. But over the years, our stance has completely changed. We almost try to talk people out of fostering before talking them into it, because we want them to really know, have
realistic expectations of what to expect and the needs. a lot of people come in like, oh, I just want a happy little baby, know, type thing. And I know after reading your book and reading your intro, I know you can relate to that. So how do you find that balance when you’re talking to people and writing your book and making videos between being open and real with people, but yet still like it’s National Foster Care Awareness Month. We want to recruit families. Like, how do you find that balance?
Laura (04:14.298)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (04:18.98)
Yeah.
Laura (04:31.534)
Absolutely, and we do need families. That need is there, and it’s always on my mind. And making content, writing a book, thank you. I do mention this in the intro because I sit in bed at night and I’m like, my gosh, if I say this, is that going to just stop someone immediately in their tracks and they won’t even step in? And so it’s a balance, right? There will always be…
more to the story and more to share and, you know, more harder moments. But I, but I think that it’s important to, to touch on those at a, at a first level, but get people prepared to begin with. And so that’s what I always kind of go back to. What is that new or hopeful foster parent really needs to know about? What is it going to affect in their life on the first day? And that’s where I kind of begin. And when I talk to people, I was like, okay, how does this feel? Like if that alone, if you know,
disruption in your work or not having time for your hobbies or being really busy during the week with 15 appointments. If that already is kind of giving you pause, then you may need to have a different avenue to support the foster care community. But I think it’s important for the kids’ sake that we are honest and we start with, here’s the reality of what it looks like. There will always be more to the story.
And that’s kind of like my mindset. I want to tell people, but you have to start at the beginning too. And that is really what is in my book. is for, you know, the newer foster parent, the hopeful foster parent who is really trying to figure out like, does this make sense for our family? And I think it’s important that people think about that. I love what he said. I try to talk them out of it first before I talk them in. And I think being real and honest and it can be gentle, but it is important.
Travis (06:17.642)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney Williams (06:26.605)
Yeah.
Travis (06:29.406)
You know, in our story, we came from being house parents at a group home. And I’ll never forget, there were some teenage high school girls that when new couples would come to interview, and it was a really rigorous process, which is what it should be. And I remember the girls were kind of telling, they would have a portion of the interview and they would tell some of the prospective people to be hired like, look, if you’re not really in this, they’re going to be here long. We don’t want you here.
Laura (06:33.839)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney Williams (06:55.592)
I had a guy that said that.
Laura (06:55.6)
Yeah.
Travis (06:55.818)
And I had a guy that he’s like, that’s why we didn’t come. couldn’t say that to them. So you really appreciate like how real that is. Yeah.
Laura (07:04.228)
I love that. Yeah. And I, I always encourage people to listen to system impacted youth, former foster youth, because if those stories really scare you or make you uncomfortable and give you pause, it is a good to pause there because those are real stories. These aren’t the dramatic things you hear in the headlines. Like these are the day-to-day stories of what it is to be a foster parent. And I appreciate what those girls said.
Courtney Williams (07:19.374)
It is a good to pause there. Because those are real stories. These aren’t the dramatic things you hear in the headlines. These are the day-to-day stories.
Travis (07:20.617)
Yeah.
Travis (07:32.18)
Yeah. Well, it’s ultimately about them, like you said. So going back, looking at your book, it offers practical in the moment guidance. So foster parents and kinship caregivers can navigate the hard moments with compassion and confidence, which is so crucial. Tell us a little bit more, walk us through some of the chapters of the book, kind of give us some of the content.
Courtney Williams (07:32.268)
Yeah. Great point.
Laura (07:54.683)
Sure. So the first part of the book is the preparation stage, which even if you are in licensing and, you know, getting ready for your first place or have the first child, I think it is important to think about some of the things and making sure you have everything you need, not just for your home, but for your family. Thinking about how to engage with your community, questions you should be having with your partners or your family members to make sure that everyone is on board. There’s also things to think about financially.
just to set your family up for success because, you know, as we’ve said, foster parenting is not easy. The second part of the book is a lot, most things that happen in the home. So this is really about supporting specific situations like you would see in my videos. And there are chapters that are just like a specific element. like nighttime or maybe meals and snack and feeding support. You would just go to that chapter.
if that’s where you’re at and that’s what you’re needing help with, and you could read that chapter and it kind of is, it’s a standalone. And then the third part, the last part of the book is the stuff that happens outside of the home. So that’s working with the professional team, advocating, working with parents and relatives and visits and all of the stuff kind of out of our control, but we are a part of and can advocate within.
Travis (09:20.266)
Well, that’s really helpful to kind of give that overview. And then for the kind of the sake of this conversation, as we continue to talk through that, we’re going to focus more on the listeners who may be considering foster care. But also then if you’re a current foster parent, we recommend, as Courtney said, a good preview of the book, or actually you read it, is to get a copy and look through, especially things like holidays, hygiene issues, big behaviors, food insecurities, places that maybe you really just need to be bolstered in your kind of…
information and awareness on, but yeah, so.
Courtney Williams (09:50.383)
information or learning about it. Yeah. Highly suggest getting a copy of it, whether you’re considering or current foster parent. Okay. So thinking about these people who are considering foster care, one question we often get, people don’t even realize that you can foster as a single parent. But what are some suggestions that you have for single parents considering foster care?
Laura (10:14.328)
Absolutely. And a large portion of the foster community are single or solo parents. And they play a really important role in foster parenting. So first of all, if you’re a listener and you’re a single parent, you matter and you are very important. Some kids really thrive with that one-on-one individual attention. And there are some time specifics and…
related to their trauma history, where being just with one person may serve them best. So I wanna just acknowledge that this is a really needed thing. And I’m grateful for all the single foster parents that have contributed along the way and sharing things like making sure that you’re resourceful and you have a community of support and thinking through very specific common parenting situations, like if a kid is sick or if you’re sick.
How are you managing that and getting help? Do you have people in your life who can drop things off, come to your home and sit and watch the kids while maybe you’re resting, for example? And also you have to think about your own self because it is just you in the home. So when there is an escalation, single foster parents have to be really tuned into their triggers and how to cope and co-regulate and regulate in the moment.
You know, they don’t always have the luxury of tapping out and sending in, you know, another partner. So spending time and learning about yourself, I think is important. And, you know, because it is also you, a lot of single foster caregivers have said, like, being really good at documentation, tracking things, writing things down, because you are the only thing, only person witnessing what’s happening. And it’s hard to remember. So.
being good and disciplined in staying organized yourself, writing things down, and making things a little bit easier for yourself too, like finding some efficiencies within your home or using different services like a grocery delivery or having those tools and ideas on hand that you can use along the way when things get really busy. And lastly, I know that some single foster parents start with maybe just a single child foster placement.
Laura (12:34.468)
before doing a sibling group, just to kind of see how they do or providing respite to begin, to see what they have capacity for and what they can work within their life and their constraints with work and whatnot.
Courtney Williams (12:49.592)
Great advice.
Travis (12:51.922)
Yeah, coming from a veteran foster parent.
Laura (12:53.146)
Feel free to add. I know that you’ve spoken with a lot of single foster parents as well.
Courtney Williams (12:54.581)
Yeah.
Travis (12:56.778)
Ha
Courtney Williams (12:58.186)
We have had a lot on the podcast, which is interesting. We counted one time and it was quite a few, just people who were doing great things. And like I said, a lot of people don’t even realize that they can’t foster as a single or solo person. it’s true. Awareness of people that are, yeah, for sure. And like you said, I’ve had kids before.
Laura (12:59.92)
I appreciate that,
Travis (13:00.266)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Laura (13:05.134)
Yeah.
Travis (13:09.086)
Yeah.
Laura (13:10.776)
And it’s needed for sure. It’s not, I don’t, it’s not like a negative or anything like that. Like, again, like I said, it fulfills very specific needs within the community.
Courtney Williams (13:21.24)
So those kids with high mental health needs or other needs and then be able to have a caregiver who’s not also focusing on a spouse or in other kids to really focus in on them. Yeah.
Travis (13:28.362)
That’s it. Yeah. I’ve got a buddy who fosters, he’s single in South Dakota and he says that very thing, Courtney. He’s just like, I can, because I can pour more myself out directly to the kids. Like I’m not, the spouse isn’t, you know, taking my energy. So it’s like, they’re all in, you know? So, but as you said, Laura, that also comes with the other side of that where then being more, I guess, yeah. given more information on all the things of you’re not able to just step.
Laura (13:31.642)
Absolutely.
Laura (13:44.792)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Courtney Williams (13:47.008)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Travis (13:57.83)
step out and tap out. So man, what an important part of the book that is. another big question people ask is, how can they prepare physically in advance for all ages and stages? So Laura, what do you advise in the book or otherwise? Just some general practical advice around preparing ahead of time in that sense.
Laura (13:59.515)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (14:18.596)
Yeah.
It’s a question I get a lot too, because families come in and they’re like, well, we’re open to taking any age. how do we even know? And it’s good to think about it. And it does feel stressful and like kind of a big job to prepare the home, especially if you’ve never had children, you don’t have biological children or permanent kids in the home. things to think about. So first of all, contact your licensing worker and get a checklist of what is required.
for that safety inspection, that home walkthrough, because that will give you just like room to room or very specific information that is what I would call the bare minimum. And so that’s what you have to do. And then from there, you’re gonna be obviously filling in. I always recommend if you’re doing a wide age group to get convertible furniture, for example, a crib that can also be a toddler bed.
you know, booster seeds, car seats that can grow with children. That can be really helpful and save you some money and time when you’re moving things around. And then getting books and toys that span a lot of different age ranges. You don’t need a lot to begin with because you can always fill in once you know what child’s coming, but having a starting place is helpful. And so toys and play items that
go across many age items are usually the open and play items like, you the magnet blocks, the train sets, the things that are you build like art supplies, more of that open and stuff, you will see kids across all ages accessing and playing with. And then I would always recommend going room to room. And even though you have that safety checklist, just make sure it’s it’s kids safe, like get even get down on the level of a child.
Laura (16:12.194)
Is everything on that level safe? Is it secured? Are your breakables put away or sentimental items? Are there friendly, kid-friendly things around the house, like nightlights and step stools? Are all the things that kids need accessible to them? And that activity can be really helpful for families who’ve never had kids before to be like, yeah, like not every kid can use my glass.
glasses like drinkware, maybe I need some some plastic or sippy cups or water bottles things like that that kind of will get you thinking and in the mindset of you know, providing care for kids it is not always obvious I will say when I first started I thought I was like, yeah, we’re good to go and then my friend who has children came over and she’s like Laura, what are they going to eat with like when this child throws this bowl? What’s the plan? You know like
Courtney Williams (17:03.756)
Yeah.
Travis (17:03.966)
Ha ha ha.
Laura (17:08.26)
things like that, because you’re thinking about so many things at that licensing time. So that activity can be really helpful in getting ready.
Courtney Williams (17:17.23)
It’s so helpful. It’s funny. you know, I have nine children and we fostered a ton of kids and we have a placement right now of a two year old. We’ve had a little one in the house for a very long time. And it’s like, you just forget, like, you know, you think your house like, yeah, we have kids all the time. You’re like, no, no, this is different. And we’ve had to put away so many things over the last couple of weeks and recognize stuff. Yes, everything. Steps to rules that we thought are helpful, but it’s like, no, not for a two year old. It’s going to climb up and tumble off and, know, teaching our kids to.
Laura (17:20.464)
Yeah.
Laura (17:25.312)
different. Yeah.
Travis (17:26.27)
haha, different.
Laura (17:34.868)
all the tiny little pieces. It’s everywhere.
Travis (17:37.268)
Hahaha.
Laura (17:44.195)
yep, it slides or you wear your baby gates or securing some furniture that could tip. Not every county and state, their safety checklist is what I would argue like true full baby proofing. And so keep that in mind. You will likely need more. And if you are caring for kids with elevated behavioral and emotional needs, you may need a lot more safety things in the home.
Travis (17:44.276)
No.
Courtney Williams (18:16.366)
So thinking about same kind of topic, but do have any favorite things that like must haves in the house? Maybe things that people don’t know about or like this is really good for most kids who are in care.
Laura (18:27.514)
So I think, like I said, the convertible furniture has always been helpful, but there are what I consider like therapeutic toys and therapeutic items. So that would be like sensory supports. This was something that was not covered in my pre-service training about, know, it isn’t just fidget toys. There’s a lot more that goes into supporting regulation for kids. And so having items in all spaces can…
to like sensory items can be really helpful. And then therapeutic toys such as like a doctor’s kit or a dollhouse or people figurines. Those types of items can be helpful for play, but also to communicate things. So, you know, like a doctor’s kit, for example, like a little play doctor’s kit can be helpful in talking to kids about going to the doctor who maybe have never been to the doctor or scared to do that appointment or.
have some medical trauma. These toys actually become tools. I’ve definitely used little figuring people and houses to explain, you’re gonna do this overnight here. So first you’re gonna go to mommy’s house and now you’re back here. And those types of things can be really helpful. And then the one other thing I will add is games.
are great like Uno or Spot It, but also like picture charades specifically, because it doesn’t require reading. It’s a great game. Everyone can love it. But the cards are a lot of like household items. So like toilet, milk, know, things that like kids really need. And sometimes, especially when you have like toddlers, you may not understand what they’re saying. I don’t know if you’ve ever
Travis (20:03.274)
Hahaha.
Laura (20:24.612)
met someone else’s toddler and they’re chatting about something and their parent knows exactly what they said, but you have no idea. Well, that same situation happens when toddlers move into your home or have a few words and those pictures can be very helpful as kids are a little bit older and you need like a visual schedule or a visual checklist. Those picture cards can be used for kids who need help with reminders and visual reminders.
Travis (20:31.042)
Yeah
Travis (20:51.668)
Mm.
Courtney Williams (20:52.384)
Yeah, good ideas. I love all the sensory stuff. I feel like every year for Christmas and other holidays, that’s what we focus on. What else can we add now to our playroom or to our house to add more sensory or OT type things, swings? We’ve got multiple swings in our house, inside, outside.
Laura (20:56.058)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (21:05.142)
Yes, yes, we have swings weighted blankets weighted stuffed animals like the Lycra sheets like all of the the sensory things fuzzy things. it’s we’re giggling obviously, but these are real supports and they are tremendously effective and you can redirect you can use it throughout the day and I mean think about you as an adult there’s definitely like.
Travis (21:14.602)
Ha ha.
Travis (21:21.77)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Laura (21:34.136)
I sit in front of a little space heater and that feels nice for me. it’s something, know, kids like feeling nice too and it can really help their mood and their regulation throughout the day.
Travis (21:36.148)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Courtney Williams (21:45.837)
Very random little note for our listeners if you are already fostering or in the process of getting licensed. Mattress Firm, which is on our app, the foster-friendly app, Mattress Firm gives high, steep discounts to foster parents. So when we just finished our home and we made a little bunk room, they have like full encasing mattresses for one, but also like they’re mattress protectors, encasing ones and other ones. They were like six bucks a piece and they are high-end mattress protectors. So if you’re not on our app,
Laura (22:00.544)
that’s amazing.
Travis (22:01.898)
Yeah.
Laura (22:08.09)
Yes.
Courtney Williams (22:13.282)
Find our app and know that there are resources like that too of places that give discounts for foster parents to supply your home for. There’s OT, like that, sensory things, but also the mattress one has been huge for our house. Yeah.
Laura (22:23.258)
That is huge. Thank you for mentioning that. The app is great. mean, again, it goes back to being resourceful and finding help because you can’t rely on just the department to support you in all of these very small ways, but meaningful. So I appreciate you saying that.
Travis (22:40.426)
Shout out to mattress firm. So also if you want to be a sponsor of the podcast, we, you know, we, I mean, there we go. So, um, we could have a new segment, uh, that we’re about to pivot to called, um, new placements gone wrong. I mean, we, we’ve all been there and, but some of the best ways we learn is about, okay, this is where we made some mistakes and how can we do things better or different.
Laura (22:41.964)
Yeah. Yes, there you go.
Courtney Williams (22:42.156)
Yeah.
Travis (23:02.174)
Laura, what’s an example of a new placement gone wrong in your home or, then maybe something you said or did and learned through that experience that wasn’t the best approach looking.
Laura (23:12.536)
I mean, so many, I will say like the book is made from mistakes and thousands of people making lots of mistakes. And I like to call them missteps because it is just part of that journey we all walk through. For me, I get really kind of anxious and excited and a little over the top. And I remember when kids would come in, I would just have this level of enthusiasm that was not
not really matching their tone. It was not, it was just sort of like you were arriving at my play area, right? And, quick and maybe talking too fast and very overexcited, which is fine for some kids, but could be incredibly overwhelming and maybe even like scary for others. And, and so I really had to learn how to kind of monitor myself and watch them and kind of match that tone.
so that I could be warm and still myself, of course, but meet them where they are as they’re stepping into my home. And another place is kind of in those first initial moments and days is there’s some education to kids about who you are. Why can’t you take me home? What is happening? And I really, I wasn’t prepared.
for that, which is why I do spend a lot of time in my book talking about these moments. And I was trying to fill in a lot of blanks and give them a lot of answers and try to over explain things and maybe answer questions they’re not even asking when really I should have given some more age appropriate responses, reflected back to them about like, well, do you, can you, like, can you tell me maybe what happened and I can help you make sense of it?
Travis (24:40.746)
Yeah.
Laura (25:07.042)
And maybe we can, or what do you know about foster care? You know, what have you heard? And kind of meet again, meeting the kid kind of where they are and what they know and addressing those specific concerns and questions first before explaining how the whole system works or guessing what’s happening to their parents when we can just, you know, I don’t know is sometimes a very dissatisfying response, but we don’t need to guess. And so I think
Travis (25:21.428)
Hmm.
Travis (25:35.348)
Yeah.
Laura (25:36.879)
That is important. And especially for some younger kids, the parents may want to answer some questions themselves about like what’s happening and what’s going on. So like, where is mommy? Why can’t mommy come get me? We don’t want to lie to children ever, but I think there is some age appropriateness and a little bit of coordination with their parents. If their parent has an active role in their life and maybe they’re going to be visiting or visiting their parent at,
Travis (26:00.65)
Hmm.
Laura (26:06.704)
rehabilitation center, things like that. But all that information is to come. In those first few moments, we answer what the kid is asking in an age appropriate way. We don’t need to say all that extra stuff at this point.
Courtney Williams (26:22.094)
Mm-mm.
Travis (26:23.234)
That’s great. It reminds me too, you made the point that, know, often new foster parents, prospective parents, know, there can be, and rightly we get it, there can be a fear of what’s this place going to be like, or if you’ve never fostered, like what is that experience? And there can be fear of, you know, say teenagers or whatever. And a friend of mine who’s fostered a lot of older teenagers and said, what also the paradigm should be is how many of the kids come in scared to death of foster care.
Laura (26:50.958)
Yes. Like exactly. Like, what do you know about foster care? Starting, starting there. Cause maybe they have experienced with foster care in the past that you haven’t been told about. They know someone who was in foster care. They’ve been threatened with foster care, by adults in their life. And you know, sometimes you just need to kind of dispel some myths or set the record straight, or they probably won’t trust you immediately, but you can kind of take no.
Travis (26:51.511)
of foster parents. Like I’m scared to death who you are. Right? Yeah. So.
Travis (27:08.074)
right?
Laura (27:21.057)
I hear that, that does happen sometimes. That won’t happen here. And that’s your starting and jumping off point.
Travis (27:21.098)
Exactly.
Courtney Williams (27:21.324)
Hmm.
Courtney Williams (27:29.418)
Yeah. I have probably 20 children’s books about foster care, but I don’t leave them on our children’s, like their open shelving because a lot of them, A, are too much for kids when they first come into care or B, they have an outcome and then the story that’s maybe not going to be their outcome, which is my biggest pet peeve.
Laura (27:34.775)
Yeah, books too.
Laura (27:43.45)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (27:47.823)
The outcome. Yeah, I think I even know that in the, in the, book, like you need to pre read everything and certainly don’t read it right before bedtime. I think books like that can be helpful if you’re educating your permanent children in the home of kind of like what’s happening or what to expect or what, you know, let’s open the door for some conversations. But yeah, the outcomes and a lot of kids books do not align with the kids in our home.
Travis (27:49.246)
He got out of his camera.
Courtney Williams (27:54.377)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Definitely.
Laura (28:17.474)
So you as the caregiver can change the ending if the child can’t read, you can kind of make something up and different for the ending. But yeah, you have to be super careful.
Courtney Williams (28:21.944)
Right?
Courtney Williams (28:28.812)
Yeah, great thoughts.
So speaking of the same thing, but just like in a one-liner, how would you say like if you’re a permanent child, if a permanent child comes to me and says, well, what is foster care anyways? Like what is like a healthy go-to response that doesn’t give too much, but it’s also like that’s succinct thing for kids to understand what foster care is.
Laura (28:37.968)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (28:53.71)
It would depend a little on age, but I would say things like when kids need to be safe or parents need help, foster families can step in and help parents and help kids stay safe. And that might open the door for other questions, but I think depending on developmentally where they’re at, you can talk about the different circumstances as to what might occur.
But I usually start as a place like stepping in to help a family, helping kids stay safe, give them what they need. And we hope that kids can return home soon. That’s kind of the original tone because that’s what we’re doing. You step in to help fill that gap. Sometimes you can reflect, know how like we have grandma or we have Aunt Beth, but not every family has.
Courtney Williams (29:34.062)
Hmm.
Courtney Williams (29:40.091)
Yeah.
Laura (29:51.874)
a helper and we can be those helpers and we can step in to help when families need help.
Courtney Williams (29:57.935)
Yeah, that’s great. That’s, no, that’s pretty much exactly what I say. And you know, it’s funny, I have kids of different ages and some of them grew up with it, but they still, my youngest will still ask all the time, like we told her a hundred times, but she’ll still ask, what’s foster care again? Or why do we do this foster care thing? So just keep repeating it and say a little bit more. Yeah. Yeah.
Travis (29:59.327)
Yeah.
Laura (30:00.335)
I don’t know. What do you say? Do you have something different than that or is that along the same lines? Yeah.
Travis (30:03.571)
Haha
Laura (30:09.049)
Yeah.
Laura (30:14.424)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, but that’s again, that’s kids. You say a little bit more every time or you answer a different kind of question next time. it’s always an evolving conversation as with when cases evolve too, because those conversations about returning home or going to relatives would also be slightly changing and evolving throughout that case.
Travis (30:36.01)
Hmm
Travis (30:42.046)
Yeah, that’s really well said because you’re giving, like you said, just sort of enough and it gives you explanatory, like a picture. And then it also could open the door for future questions and things like that. You’re not making over promises to, of course, we don’t know where these cases could go or, know, you’re being very careful to honor the birth families, which is important and be careful about. So yeah, I really love that. Well, continuing on as we kind of get to the home stretch.
Laura (30:57.498)
Hmm.
Travis (31:08.464)
What would you say are some of the most common behaviors due to trauma that you’ve kind of seen that youth and care will tend to express?
Laura (31:16.656)
Yeah. So it can run the gamut in variety, depending on especially what their experiences were and you know, what, where they’re at now, how much stability they’ve had, but you know, children as young as babies will have a stiff body. They will have a flat affect, have trouble feeding and trouble consoling. And that carries in as children age and get bigger. We see those things play out.
having eating troubles, eating not enough, not having appetite, but maybe overeating and just generally trouble with meals. You also see it affects sleep. So that could be kids having nightmares up a lot at night, trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, having a lot of anxious feelings in the nighttime. During the day, you may see outbursts.
I think that is probably what I hear from most people, because it can be the most disruptive in that moment and affect the day to day differently, like at school or daycare. And that’s maybe saying things that are unkind, yelling or screaming, maybe even hitting or kicking or running away and hiding. This is just like an explosion of feelings. And these are things that kids can’t control.
You know, they are activated. Their nervous system is, is experiencing a lot. And, know, I always try to tell people like, well, think about a time where you were like mad, mad, or something, you know, really horrible happened that initial reaction. And then what followed, you know, I think about my own experiences as I try to like connect and see these, see a little bit of understanding within our kids of like, you know, when I lost my dad.
Right? So I was sad. I didn’t want to do my work. I didn’t want to do the dishes. I didn’t want to do anything. And I was not nice to my friends and family. Well, that’s with kids too. It just could be a lot bigger, more intensive, and more unpredictable. Right? It’s their children. And so I think it’s really important that we try to be empathetic and compassionate in these moments.
Travis (33:18.954)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (33:25.066)
Hmm.
Courtney Williams (33:33.612)
Yeah.
Laura (33:41.869)
And in a lot of times kids have not had a stable adult to help teach them how to cope in safer ways that can help them get through these moments of intensity. And that is what a lot of foster parents do. We’re deescalating or avoiding situations that could be hard. And then we’re also spending a lot of time getting them professional help with therapy.
Travis (33:47.498)
Hmm.
Courtney Williams (33:59.908)
Yes.
Laura (34:08.162)
and working on these coping skills and healing and processing their experiences. So it could be a lot of different things. There’s a whole page in my book just summarizing the types of things you might see, but it is important to know that kids do not have control over these reactions when they’re activated like that.
Travis (34:17.866)
Ahem.
Courtney Williams (34:32.205)
Yeah. We highly suggest people like from the get-go get a little bit of training. If you’re considering foster care, we have a little course on our webinars, fostercon.org. It’s a mouthful. But just watch a couple of those things about trauma too to understand. Again, not trying to scare people away, but to have a basic understanding of where it’s coming from and why these behaviors, because it gives you even a compassion, whether you do end up fostering or not.
Laura (34:38.447)
Yeah.
Laura (34:47.108)
Yes.
Laura (34:52.816)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (34:54.026)
Mm-mm.
Courtney Williams (34:59.47)
but having understanding and compassion, a little empathy for these kiddos is really what they need.
Laura (35:00.25)
Yeah.
Laura (35:04.32)
It goes a long way. It doesn’t make it necessarily easier, but I think it does help get through those seasons are hard and kind of refocuses you on your advocacy and your therapeutic support within the home kind of re-centers you in your own why or your own mission as to why you’ve stepped into this child’s life. But yes, any courses about trauma informed care, how trauma affects the brain on cellular levels.
And then also de-escalation strategies and things you can do in these moments to support a child’s safety and wellbeing and others in the home can be really helpful. We took many advanced parenting classes when we were getting licensed. And I’m so thankful we did because those are, to be honest, the classes where I really learned the things about the day to day.
Travis (35:53.706)
Well, off the top of your head, can you just think of any like whether it’s books, movies, just kind of basic resources that you point people to with parenting hard behaviors that just kind of.
Courtney Williams (35:56.086)
Yep, for sure.
Laura (36:08.1)
Yeah, there’s, mean, appreciate all the webinars and there’s a lot of things online already where you can watch on YouTube. Your, your webinars are a great foundation. There’s also like foster club, creating a family foster parent college. These are accessible, many free courses. And in a lot of places where they’re not free, you can ask, you can ask your agency if they’ll cover the cost. They may not advertise it, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. there’s a.
There’s a book called A to Z on therapeutic parenting and then big baffling behaviors is another good one. If we’re just talking about behaviors, if you’re really just trying to get in to specifics for behaviors, you do have to take into consideration the system, the workers, the parents, the case, all of that, because that also impacts how you can intervene and how you help in your home.
Travis (36:46.506)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (37:07.184)
but those off the top of my head. Obviously I talk about behaviors in my book. It is weaved in with system related foster parenting considerations. So it is different from those other books, but yes, if you’re just thinking behavior, those are two that come to my mind.
Travis (37:25.226)
Cool, thank you.
Courtney Williams (37:26.798)
Yeah. How about any movies that you’ve watched? Are there any good movies relating to foster care that have done their job well? Or documentaries?
Laura (37:36.977)
Yeah, I mean, I always go back to the documentary Foster on HBO. That one to me is like the most realistic and balanced because it shows perspectives of workers, parents, foster parents, and youth in care in the courts. Like it does give all the perspectives. And so I do, I think that is a great starting place. And then there’s of course shows and movies that are more of like a narrative.
Courtney Williams (37:40.704)
Yeah, just.
Laura (38:06.232)
And those are still important parts of what we do, right? Because it gets people thinking about fostering and people in kids in foster care. You know, for example, the animation Luck, that one features a former foster youth. And while it’s not the crux of the story, it is an open door to those stories and, you know, things to think about.
there, my husband and I, when we were getting licensed, we watched the show, The Fosters, I think it’s what it’s called. I mean, it’s like, I think for teenagers, but we watched it, the whole series while we were getting licensed. And I don’t know, it really, we really enjoyed it. Lots of stuff is over the top, obviously, especially in the later seasons. But, we, made us talk about things that I don’t think we would have talked about if we hadn’t watched that. So some, you know,
Courtney Williams (38:44.142)
you
Travis (38:53.706)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (39:03.31)
The narratives, you also hear like instant family. There’s a lot of truth mixed in with a lot of things that are not totally accurate. So you have to always, when you’re viewing those things, consider that too. And especially as things are so different depending on the type of foster care you provide and where you live.
Travis (39:06.57)
Mm-hmm.
Travis (39:13.31)
go.
Travis (39:18.442)
Sure.
Travis (39:23.146)
Yeah.
Courtney Williams (39:25.422)
For sure. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Well, Laura, as we finish this off, thank you. And again, I highly suggest people check out your book, especially if you’re considering or beginning foster parent for sure, it’s a must have. But thinking about your book as a whole and all that you know, foster families you’ve talked to or potential foster families you’ve talked to, what’s kind of your number one piece of advice for someone who’s considering becoming a foster parent?
Travis (39:25.738)
Yeah.
Laura (39:34.16)
Thank you.
Laura (39:53.265)
Okay, for someone at the early consideration stage, I would say that there will never be a perfect time or you will never feel 100 % ready. I get that question a lot. How do I know if I’m ready? Sure, I can give you a few things to think about and parameters, but there will always be an element of like taking a chance, a leap of faith. And that is a lot, you know, there’s a lot of things kind of out there that
Travis (40:08.018)
Hmm, yeah.
Travis (40:17.022)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (40:23.244)
we don’t know and that’s foster care, that’s foster parenting, a lot of surprises, changes, things you couldn’t have anticipated. And so I always tell people before they begin, like, it’s gonna like, it’s okay, like, there’s gonna be this leap of faith. And that’s a part of it. You’re not doing it wrong. It’s you’re not underprepared. There will always be a little bit of you just have to go for it and take your classes, go to those intro sessions.
Travis (40:46.09)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (40:50.936)
listen to your podcasts, watch those webinars. Those are gonna really get you in a good spot of being as ready as possible, but you really have to say yes. There will always be that kind of leap of faith at some point.
Travis (41:03.242)
you
Travis (41:07.284)
Well said.
Courtney Williams (41:08.182)
Yeah, totally agree. And I tell people all the time, your biggest learning is going to come when a kid comes into your doors. So as much as you prepare, you’re still going to feel unprepared. And you are going to be unprepared because every situation is different.
Laura (41:14.904)
Yes.
Yeah, and the key is so true. And the key is like, do you know how to find answers? Because if you know how to seek out answers and get a book that’s going to help you or read something or watch something, that’s great. That’s all of us. we, the situations that you experience, you could never put in a single book. One foster parent hasn’t experienced it all.
Travis (41:25.055)
Yeah.
Travis (41:33.844)
Right.
Travis (41:40.042)
Yeah.
Laura (41:43.439)
We like with every kid and every parent in every situation, there are new things to learn and new research, new ideas, new therapy models. It’s constantly evolving, which is what we want. So if you’re good at finding information and learning, you’re good. You’re good to go. You can ready.
Travis (41:52.01)
That’s it.
Courtney Williams (42:00.399)
You’re good. Yeah.
Travis (42:03.432)
That’s a gold line right there. Yeah. I mean, we’ve interviewed so many veteran foster parents and obviously Courtney, your experience, stuff like that. Well, it’s the same. is exactly the same thing. It’s, it’s like this idea of ongoing. I’m an ongoing learner and that, and that. Yeah. And to your point that you’re not going to have it all figured out in advance because their behavior has changed. Research changes. mean, you have to know that it’s okay to not to sometimes we’re not going to know everything. that’s, but.
Laura (42:09.168)
Yeah, what do they say? I’m just curious. Yeah, okay.
Courtney Williams (42:10.542)
It is the same.
Laura (42:16.406)
Yeah, yeah, you got to just take the leap of faith and just trust yourself.
Courtney Williams (42:16.878)
Mm-hmm.
Laura (42:21.978)
Mm-mm.
Laura (42:31.436)
No. Well, and you won’t be perfect and wonderful the first time through, maybe not even the second, third, fourth, you know, perfecting things as we go and like, well, that routine is not going to work out. We got to make the change there. Like that’s part of it. I think that’s a universal parenting thing, but especially within foster parenting, you have to workshop stuff. You’re going to talk to, you’re going to talk to professionals. You’re going to learn something new. You’re to go to a support group and pick up a little, a little tidbit like, Ooh.
Travis (42:54.878)
Yes.
Laura (43:01.674)
made me think of something. That is part of it. And if you’re comfortable in those situations, then you are going to be a wonderful foster parent. That’s a great quality.
Courtney Williams (43:16.782)
Yep. So again, if you’re considering foster care, check out Laura’s book, First Time Fostering. We hope, yeah.
Laura (43:23.034)
Thank you. I know. Thank you. I think I’m really happy. Thank you. try to, we try to make it reflective of who I am and what I do already. So thank you for that. I’m nervous about the whole thing. So I appreciate that.
Travis (43:24.394)
Cool cover. I love the colors in it. Yeah.
Travis (43:38.985)
Yeah.
Courtney Williams (43:40.014)
Yeah, do hope that some of our listeners, if you’re considering foster care, just this episode maybe helped you consider and helped you think, realize where you can get some resources and to take your next yes in the foster care equation, whether that’s respite care, whether that’s just supporting a foster family for now or taking on the leap of faith in fostering. We need more foster families.
Travis (43:41.524)
That’s awesome.
Courtney Williams (44:07.48)
Well, thanks again, Laura, for the second time.
Travis (44:07.594)
Thanks for being on today, Laura.
Laura (44:09.2)
Thank you for having me. I appreciate the conversation and I appreciate everyone listening who’s considering stepping in to help in some way. So thanks so much.
