Kayla and Chris Habegger share their experiences as new foster parents, discussing the challenges and insights gained from their journey. They emphasize the importance of empowering children to share their stories, understanding the complexities of trauma, and the need for ongoing training and support in foster care. The couple reflects on their goals for reunification with the child’s biological family and the significance of maintaining healthy relationships throughout the process.
TRANSCRIPT:
Brian (00:01.622)
Welcome to the Foster Friendly Podcast. I’m your host, Brian Mavis with my Sapient co-host Courtney. Courtney? Uh-huh. It’s better than serpent. It means wise. Though the serpent was wise and crafty, so maybe there is something there.
Courtney (00:09.866)
Sapient. It almost sounds like serpent. I don’t know if I like that word. Okay, good. I’ll take it.
Chris Habegger (00:14.01)
with my
Kayla (00:19.397)
Thank
Courtney (00:24.253)
Yeah.
Brian (00:26.702)
So, but I’m in a good way. I like to give my co-host good adjectives. Once in a while they’re a little squirrely, but today we’re not learning about adjectives. We’re learning about non-traditional kinship. And we have a great couple today who is in that space and we’re going to be learning from them, from their experience and insights.
And they’re I’ve never met them before, but they’re not far down the road from me. So Kayla, Chris, welcome to the podcast.
Chris Habegger (01:01.709)
Thanks for having us.
Kayla (01:01.864)
Thank you. Yes, thanks for having us.
Brian (01:05.066)
Looking forward to learning along with everyone else your experiences. so you guys tell us, first of all, just real quickly, what’s your family life like right now, just as far as like facts, like how many kids you have, that kind of stuff.
Kayla (01:23.335)
Yeah, so currently we have four kiddos, four boys. We have twins who are seven. We have our current placement who’s 10. And then we have our oldest who is 11.
Brian (01:41.23)
Okay, four boys. One, all right. Awesome.
Chris Habegger (01:42.081)
all ways.
Courtney (01:43.872)
boys.
Kayla (01:44.324)
Yeah, yes. Loud and stinky.
Courtney (01:47.908)
That’s great. It is so weird. Like I have two teenage boys, they share a room, you know, we have all the kids, they have to share rooms and I go in their room and I’m like, they say it doesn’t stink. I’m like, guys, it smells every time I come in here. And they just, they’re like, don’t even believe me. I’m like, yes, I can smell it. Smell you. boy.
Brian (01:50.702)
That’s great.
Kayla (01:51.834)
Yes.
Kayla (02:05.509)
Yeah. Yeah.
Brian (02:05.91)
You
Chris Habegger (02:06.743)
Always give off a funk, that’s for sure.
Brian (02:11.118)
The Funky Four, alright!
Courtney (02:14.53)
Well, we don’t do couples very often, so it’s kind of different. We have four people on the screen. Usually we only have three, so it’s fun. But since we do have a couple, let’s start by just hearing how did you two lovebirds meet?
Kayla (02:25.93)
Yeah. So we met at the Grizzly Rose on their Sunday night, like family night, you know. Yeah. Yeah, family night.
Brian (02:34.592)
Uh-huh, uh-huh. To our non-Coloradans, what’s grizzly rose?
Courtney (02:35.5)
You
Kayla (02:41.446)
It is a country dance. Yep.
Chris Habegger (02:45.557)
Western Dance Bar.
Brian (02:48.418)
Yeah. Do you know what grizzly rose means?
Courtney (02:48.686)
Dance Bar.
Chris Habegger (02:49.665)
Yeah.
Kayla (02:54.662)
I don’t.
Chris Habegger (02:55.007)
I do not.
Brian (02:56.27)
It’s a euphemism for a lady of the night. Let’s put it that way, which is another euphemism. Yeah. So nice wholesome place to meet. Okay, great. Go ahead.
Chris Habegger (03:03.83)
I know.
Kayla (03:08.066)
Right. Well, great.
Courtney (03:12.004)
Yes.
Chris Habegger (03:13.635)
It’s a good place to find your future wife.
Kayla (03:13.986)
Yes, yes.
Chris Habegger (03:18.453)
You
Brian (03:19.694)
so good. I’m glad you asked this question, Courtney.
Kayla (03:19.946)
Yeah, well…
Chris Habegger (03:23.123)
Yeah.
Courtney (03:23.14)
I’m
Brian (03:26.83)
huh, yeah, yeah.
Kayla (03:26.981)
Gosh, that’s funny. Okay. Well great, you know, so that just tells a lot about us I guess, you know Yeah, I was 16 at the time Chris was 19 That’s where we met. He asked me to dance and I said yes and then he you know proceeded to try and I don’t know date me for a while and then
Chris Habegger (03:28.565)
Yeah.
Brian (03:39.086)
Wow.
Chris Habegger (03:50.517)
I tried to convince her to go camping with all of my other dude friends for years and she said no. I know, she’s like, who else is gonna be there? And I’m rattling off dude name after dude name after dude name. She’s like, no, not that stupid, so.
Brian (03:56.686)
How’d she resist? Holy… I’ll miss that.
Courtney (03:56.814)
No.
Kayla (04:00.908)
Yeah.
Kayla (04:09.443)
So, you know, I made a good choice there, you know, waiting. Yeah, and then when, yeah, that’s where we met. And then we started officially dating when I was 19 and got engaged and married when I was 20. So, you know, not too far after that. yeah.
Chris Habegger (04:12.425)
Yeah.
Brian (04:13.134)
No.
Brian (04:31.342)
Great, awesome. So now let’s go fast forward a few years and tell us a little bit, then you have your own kids, then you, three boys, but then you enter into this fostering journey. Tell us about that. How did that happen?
Courtney (04:31.384)
Yeah, I love it.
Kayla (04:46.413)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (04:54.132)
Yeah, in about, was 2019 originally, foster care was just really big on my heart. Just helping kiddos and really helping people who maybe some people may not see as the easiest to help. That was kind of where my heart was. And…
So in 2019, originally we started through a different county than we’re currently registered with right now or certified with right now. But we went to the orientation, did that, and then COVID kind of happened. so, kind of, yeah, yeah, yeah, it happened. And so we kind of put things on hold.
Brian (05:41.634)
Hmm. Kinda, yeah. It happened.
Courtney (05:44.196)
You
Chris Habegger (05:44.613)
No.
Kayla (05:51.905)
yeah, and then, you know, I guess fast forward now, obviously, you know, now we’re certified.
Brian (06:01.592)
So it took a few years from your first, from your training and then because of the COVID interruption, then a few years passed by. Okay, all right.
Kayla (06:07.039)
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Yeah, and so then in, let’s see, November of last year, 2024, we decided, or we did decide, one of our kiddos, good friends got placed in foster care, and that’s kind of where we started the journey that we’re currently in, so.
Brian (06:36.75)
So that was probably unexpected as far as like you didn’t think some people that you were friends with would.
Kayla (06:45.445)
yeah, yes… Yes and no.
Chris Habegger (06:45.922)
Well, so when he was younger… Yeah.
Brian (06:47.15)
Okay, wait a second. We’ll revisit that in a sec. Okay, I got it.
Courtney (06:47.268)
Yeah, so
Kayla (06:52.699)
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Brian (06:57.93)
Okay. Well, that’s, that’s amazing though, that you could have this on your heart and then have something from the outside disrupt the opportunity. Cause so many times the, the distance between the motivation to the act to act and the opportunity to act, if they’re that far apart, people just lose their motivation. So what kept you guys saying, no, we’re, we’re still, even though
Chris Habegger (07:08.4)
Right.
Chris Habegger (07:19.888)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (07:26.776)
There was a several year interruption. still interested in this.
Kayla (07:31.499)
I would say honestly, Chris wasn’t super, it was, it was more me who was like, I want to do this. Like Chris was just kind of.
Chris Habegger (07:41.881)
supportive. Yeah.
Courtney (07:42.852)
Shocker.
Brian (07:43.566)
Really? The woman led and the guy was supportive? Wow! That’s really weird. Okay. Uh, that’s rarity. Uh huh. Okay. Alright. Never heard that story before. Okay.
Chris Habegger (07:46.958)
It was weird, you know? It’s a rarity. I’m a good guy. I’m a good guy.
Kayla (07:58.686)
So it was me, being like, this is still really on my heart. I’m also a substitute teacher and so I see a bunch of different kiddos in all areas and all ages. so my heart was just really wanting to help the youth in some way or another. Yeah.
Brian (07:59.596)
OK. Uh-huh. Yeah.
Brian (08:08.257)
Mmm.
Brian (08:20.482)
Yeah, okay. That,
Courtney (08:23.084)
Yeah, it’s interesting. It’s I have a dear friend who’s kind of like the opposite situation of you guys. Just recently, she had a coworker who was going through some hard things and she saw some writing on the wall that possibly a kiddo was going to be removed. And so she came to me knowing I know the system and was like, what should I do? Can I get licensed right away? I want to be available if this happens. And it led her to looking into getting licensed. And you guys are kind of the opposite. You looked into getting licensed. But then later, a non-traditional kinship care situation came along. So it was kind of
similar, but different in a sense and different than what a of our listeners, you know, it’s not typical that you start foster care classes and then ends up being a kiddo you know, right? Unless you went into it with that specifically on mind, on your mind, right? Yeah. But you guys told me when we chatted on the phone a little bit, you chatted with me and shared a story about listening to Ellie Flowers, who’s actually Brian’s daughter. And you heard her talk about checking in on your neighbors.
Brian (09:06.946)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Courtney (09:22.594)
Share that story again a little bit, how that resonated with you guys at that point.
Kayla (09:25.916)
Yeah, so I followed Ellie on Instagram and this was years back, a few years back and I don’t know if it was like, you know, an Instagram story or a post but she was talking about her oldest son who is now adopted but at that time was not and she was talking about how in their first home she lived a couple blocks.
Brian (09:40.462)
Thank
Kayla (09:55.309)
away from where he was at.
Brian (09:57.294)
One block.
Courtney (09:58.628)
Yeah,
Kayla (09:59.203)
Yeah, okay, one block. Okay, see, so see, yeah. And you know, she was like, I can’t, in her story, she was like, I can’t help but think like, what would have happened if I had like, you know, checked on, checked on them or like, how did I know that something like this was going on? Just a block from my home? How did I not know? You know?
And it really resonated with us, with me, I shared this story with Chris, but just how it literally could just be, in the case we’re in right now, a friend of our sons. We wouldn’t have known that had it kind of not opened our eyes to like, it can be right here. It’s not.
It can be someone you know, you know, it’s not just this thing where, that would never happen to someone I know, or that would never happen to in my neighborhood, yeah. So yeah, so that kinda, yeah, just really like opened our eyes to situations around us.
Chris Habegger (10:55.811)
Mm.
Chris Habegger (11:03.163)
Okay.
Brian (11:19.192)
Yeah, it’s easy from the outside just to look around your neighborhood and think, you know, see all the houses that are in decent shape and painted okay. And you’re, got, you know, flowers starting to bloom. You’re like, everything’s fine. And then behind closed doors, you have no idea what kind of turmoil and trauma might be happening. Okay. Before we keep talking about your guys’s experience and insights for our listeners sake, let’s not assume that they know and understand what traditional
Chris Habegger (11:30.75)
Mm-mm.
Brian (11:49.774)
kinship care is and what non-traditional kinship care is. So, why don’t you guys explain what both those terms mean.
Chris Habegger (12:00.148)
So traditional kinship is somebody who’s within the family that’s willing to help. So it’d be like an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, older brother, sister, grandparents, things of that sort. People who are related either by blood or marriage. And that’s kinship. the idea is…
Brian (12:17.774)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (12:22.37)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Habegger (12:28.807)
you know, keep them within the family so that they still have those family bonds and ties and it’s less traumatic placement and they still get, you know, all the culture and everything else that they’re used to. And so it’s, it’s a really good idea to try to shoot for kinship as much as possible in my opinion, if it’s, you know, healthy and
Brian (12:37.827)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (12:41.128)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (12:56.393)
people can set up boundaries appropriately and everything else. So, yeah.
Brian (13:00.224)
Mm-hmm. Okay, so that’s traditional kinship care. What’s what is in the world is non-traditional kinship care
Kayla (13:07.926)
Yeah, so non-traditional kinship care is a
a person in the child’s life who they have a close connection with prior to them being placed. So, who is not related by marriage, you know, or married, married it. Yes, yes. So that can be a coach, that could be a teacher, you know, and in our case, it could be, you know, the parents of a good friend.
Brian (13:30.6)
Mm-hmm. Nurture blood. Mm-hmm.
Kayla (13:47.541)
And so that is what non-traditional kinship care would be.
Brian (13:53.014)
Okay, I think that will definitely help some of our listeners understand what that means.
Courtney (13:58.69)
Yeah, and it is just our listeners know it is rising across the nation, which is good. It’s good that when a kid is removed from care that if they can be with somebody they know, of course, it’s gonna be better for that kiddo. And the traditional and non-traditional kinship care numbers are rising. I know in Colorado, their goal is to have like 80 some percent of kids when they’re removed placed with kinship, whether it’s traditional or non-traditional. And again, we know why that would be best, right? When it’s safe and viable to be with somebody they know and it’s even good. I mean,
Sometimes, I know you guys had to cross some state lines and things like that, but sometimes they don’t even have to necessarily be fully trained and licensed before they place kids into a care because they want that sooner rather than later. And so sometimes there’s some things that you can jump through a little bit faster and then maybe go back and do afterwards. So a lot of push for kinship care either way, and there’s good reason behind it. Yeah. So Yorgos’ son was friends with his kiddo before he came into your home.
Kayla (14:37.865)
Yeah.
Chris Habegger (14:42.373)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (14:49.076)
Absolutely.
Courtney (14:55.396)
And you guys know maybe some similar people or school or friends, know, just those dynamics of being friends with your son. How do you guys talk with your bio kids and foster placement with this about the situation and you know what they might experience at school or questions and things like that? How do you guys handle that?
Kayla (15:09.459)
Thank
Chris Habegger (15:16.287)
One of the things that we took from our training actually was how he wanted to be referred to or introduced as. And one of the biggest things that we noticed was asking them specifically, you know, how do you want to be introduced? How do you want to be referred to and give them that power? Because they
Kayla (15:16.839)
Thank
Brian (15:18.99)
Ahem.
Kayla (15:23.815)
Okay.
Brian (15:36.578)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (15:36.916)
you
Chris Habegger (15:43.672)
You know, nobody wants to be referred to as, I’m so and so’s foster kid. that’s, I mean, they might want to, and they might not want to, but it’s ultimately, you know, their feelings that you need to worry about, not how you want to tell the story. It’s how they want their story to be told. And, and that was how we went about it was we asked our kiddo, you know, how do you want us to introduce you or do you even want to be introduced?
Brian (15:48.014)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (16:02.562)
right?
Kayla (16:04.787)
Yeah, another area where I’d say, know, so our current placement and our oldest son, they’re in the same grade.
Chris Habegger (16:13.783)
which was really cool. And he gave us his answer and we did what he wanted.
Brian (16:22.252)
Yeah.
Kayla (16:34.258)
And so they’re in different classes, but in the same grade, but you know, people ask questions. And so, you know, we talked with both boys, people can ask questions, but you don’t need to respond to them. You can just tell them, yeah, you know, it’s actually none of your business. Like, you know, I don’t feel like talking about that right now. you know, like, if our son is asked, he can
you know, our oldest son is asked, he can say, you know, that’s his story, you can ask him. And so just giving him that like agency, I guess, around the situation and just both of them kind of like, you don’t need to explain anything to anybody. Ultimately, like, it’s his story. And when and if he wants to explain things to people, he can.
Brian (17:10.862)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (17:34.1)
but yeah, kind of just telling them like, you don’t owe an explanation to anybody about what’s happening right now.
Brian (17:43.704)
Let’s get both those pieces of advice really good.
Courtney (17:47.78)
Yeah, for sure. The whole role playing, and we do a lot of in our house too, of if you were asked this, how could you respond? giving them the words, like you said, because sometimes kids wouldn’t know or be uncomfortable in those situations. But once you kind of walk them through that, think it just gives them that confidence even when those situations arise, because they will arise, and I’m sure they have many times already.
Chris Habegger (17:52.449)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (17:54.084)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (17:58.383)
Okay.
Kayla (18:07.615)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Chris Habegger (18:08.505)
yeah.
Courtney (18:11.342)
So you just tell our listeners how long has he been with you guys?
Kayla (18:17.679)
So he was placed in our home on Valentine’s Day of 2025. And so he’s been with us almost two months. Yeah, so.
Courtney (18:34.296)
And that was part of the reason why we wanted you guys on, because we often hear from these people who have years of experience or they’ve been doing this for a long time. to get a fresh perspective, it’s also just a new lens. And to even think about, you guys just freshly went through foster care classes. So you get this call, and they say you need to be licensed, you need to go down this route. Because at the time, the child was living in another state, right? And then you guys had to do ICPC, which is crossing state lines.
Brian (18:45.614)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Habegger (18:46.409)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Habegger (19:02.344)
Yep.
Courtney (19:02.596)
which makes it a little more difficult and lengthy. But I’m just curious, because you just went through these classes and now have had Kiddo in your house for almost a couple of months. How do you feel those classes prepared you for this placement? And maybe if there’s something that you wish training had covered that you’re like, oh, wow, I wish we had known this.
Chris Habegger (19:25.545)
So for me, one of the things that I think is super helpful is the chronological age versus the mental age. So, you know, he’s 10 years old and he is very mature in some areas as a 10 year old would be or even as a teenager would be. But then there’s other areas where
Kayla (19:52.575)
you
Chris Habegger (19:55.685)
I see some of the same traits as my seven year olds that he also has. And it’s very eye opening to see that, you know, certain traumas can.
not help that growth or revert that growth and you just got to be mindful and it’s super helpful.
Kayla (20:13.548)
Okay.
Brian (20:20.674)
Yeah. So Chris, I love that because 20 years ago, when I went through my first training, that also was something that I was like, gosh, I had never really thought about that before. so without revealing anything specific in your circumstance that you’re dealing with, unpack that some more for our listeners. Why would a kid like this in general be advanced in some areas and
Kayla (20:43.372)
But.
Chris Habegger (20:45.981)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (20:50.348)
behind another’s.
Chris Habegger (20:51.921)
Yeah, so as far as the advanced portion of it, I mean, when you’re in a position where you’re forced to maybe take care of yourself and people are absent from your life, you kind of force yourself to grow up in that specific area of your mentality. where at the same exact moment you’re also being neglected and
Brian (21:12.482)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (21:16.599)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (21:21.813)
are not getting those.
interactions that, you know, the everyday kid might get where they get to grow and experience these things. And so you’re lacking in those areas where you didn’t get those connections or those experiences. And so you never got to grow in that or maybe you did get to grow in that. And then something so tragic has happened in your life that that portion of your brain is just like, no, that didn’t happen anymore because this trumps that.
Kayla (21:30.111)
Thank you.
Kayla (21:39.85)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (21:56.087)
So forget about that, put it on the back burner, you’re back here now. So you need to relearn what that means to have this safe environment to be healthy in or to grow in.
Brian (22:05.144)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (22:09.05)
Okay.
Brian (22:10.2)
Yeah, I think so many people, when they imagine what a kid is going through and they think of these adverse experiences they have or whether it’s through something done to them or through neglect, some traumatic things, they think about, well, trauma is what has happened to you. But what they often don’t think about is it’s also what didn’t happen for you.
Chris Habegger (22:23.386)
No.
Courtney (22:36.759)
No.
Chris Habegger (22:38.33)
And that’s not to say that his parents didn’t love him or don’t love him. They are great people who are very kind and they do love their kid and I wish the absolute best for them. it’s just things happen and people miss Marks and it’s unfortunate.
Kayla (22:38.473)
you
Courtney (22:39.645)
No.
Brian (22:42.04)
So now, mm-hmm.
Brian (22:53.813)
Absolutely.
Courtney (22:54.797)
Hmm.
Brian (23:00.386)
Yeah, yeah. that’s it, man. I just want to pause there too, to not prejudge people, because you don’t know their story. I mean, what you know of it is very little and what happened and didn’t happen to them or for them when they were kids, what might have knocked them sideways, because life can do that. So I appreciate your compassion there. Kayla, what about you? What did that training?
Courtney (23:00.483)
Yeah.
Chris Habegger (23:07.428)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (23:08.307)
Thank you.
Chris Habegger (23:10.53)
Right.
Courtney (23:24.1)
Mm.
Kayla (23:28.181)
you
Brian (23:28.43)
bring that you were grateful for or what did it not bring that you wish you still learned?
Kayla (23:31.592)
You know, I would say same with Chris, like that was kind of eye opening in the sense of like, you know, a kiddo can be yes, this chronological age. But in other ways, you know, whether it’s like their maturity, maybe not there. And so, you know, ditto what Chris said, I think in terms of like, what we like,
didn’t learn or maybe something that they could have gone over. I think they kind of just try the best they can. mean, every case is so different, so, so different. So I think it’s really hard to…
Kayla (24:19.778)
expect everything to be covered, I guess, you So, I mean, that’s the thing that’s nice about having resources like, you know, this podcast or books or your caseworker or, you know, friends on Instagram, you know, or whatever who you can reach out to and ask those questions, you know, not in a detailed way, you know, but yeah, I think they kind of just try the best they can.
Courtney (24:22.158)
Hmm.
Brian (24:22.594)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Courtney (24:47.523)
Yeah.
Brian (24:47.534)
Yeah.
Courtney (24:50.528)
I always say that I feel like the real learning comes when the kids enter your home because like you’re saying, they can’t teach to every single thing or there’d be years long training. But yeah, they do the best. then I feel like there’s certain parts of the training though that should be retodied. Like, okay, now we’re a year in, let’s go back and revisit this and learn these things again. Because I feel like then it would really sink in at a different level than before you really know what you’re getting into or before you know what it’s like to have a kid from a hard place in your home.
Chris Habegger (24:51.802)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (24:54.414)
All right.
Chris Habegger (24:59.308)
Bye!
Kayla (24:59.45)
Yeah.
Kayla (25:17.349)
Yeah, absolutely.
Courtney (25:18.724)
And I just want to share, love, so I teach the Colorado Training, so I know exactly what you guys just got trained in. And that’s when I teach it, I tell my participants, this is the number one thing you need to understand and take away from this is understanding kids as different ages and stages and why and how you can cope with that, how you can help them through that. And I’ve done this for years, right?
But I did not tell us, explain this to my daughter. So she was with us since age 15. She was 20 years old before I sat her down and explained to her these different ages and stages and how she might be one way socially versus emotionally versus cognitively. And her eyes were so big when I was explaining this to her. And she’s like, mom, why did you never explain this to me before? Like it gives me context to why I am the way I am in certain ways. And I never said to her.
Chris Habegger (25:55.253)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (26:07.364)
I never once said, like, I think you are this age emotionally or this age cognitively. But she said, mom, this is where I think I am these four different ages. And she was exactly, she said for herself exactly what I would have said for her. And it was just so like, oh, I mean, again, she was an adult, but helpful for them too to understand, not saying to go explain this to your kiddo who is 10, right, or oven, but.
Brian (26:13.378)
Hmm.
Brian (26:22.552)
Hmm.
Chris Habegger (26:24.894)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (26:28.748)
Yeah.
Courtney (26:31.638)
as they grow older for them to understand this too or to have a therapist, somebody walk through this with them to understand there’s reasons for this. And it’s not that you can’t catch up or you’re never gonna catch up. There is hope and our brains can be rewired, but this is where you are right now. Let’s work with that and let’s move you forward.
Kayla (26:42.82)
Thank
Brian (26:46.894)
So Courtney, curious, you mentioned the four ages, so four categories. What would be those categories?
Courtney (26:55.746)
socially, emotionally, cognitively, and then chronologically.
Brian (26:59.822)
Theologically, okay, yeah. Very, yeah.
Courtney (27:03.16)
And there’s more, think therapists could get even deeper, but those are like the four big ones. Yeah.
Kayla (27:04.772)
Thank
Brian (27:07.308)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so good. Chris, so I’m curious, you you guys confess having that unusual experience of Kayla leading in this space and then you being the, you know, supporting from behind and all that, then along for the ride, and then you’re on the ride and you’re like, here we go. And I think a lot of times because,
Kayla (27:11.808)
Okay.
Courtney (27:25.708)
Along for the ride.
Brian (27:37.006)
the wives, the moms are more tuned in and thinking about this. They feel ready for it and experienced. Tell me, how did you feel going into it and what did you bring to this in your own experience that you feel like was helpful?
Chris Habegger (27:44.5)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Habegger (27:51.668)
F
Chris Habegger (27:56.22)
Absolutely.
For a while prior to our kid being placed with us, we noticed some patterns and things within his family life. And I told Kayla, know, if anything ever happened that he needed somewhere to live, like our house is always open. And so for him specifically, it was always a green light, regardless of what was.
Kayla (28:21.676)
Thank
Chris Habegger (28:26.918)
going to happen and this was before anything ever happened. Which is nice because when we found out it wasn’t a question that Kayla had to ask me, it was more of a, this is what’s gonna happen. And I’m like, yep, absolutely, 100 % in. As far as experiences that are helpful, so I grew up with divorced parents who struggled a lot with.
Kayla (28:27.778)
Thank
Brian (28:28.034)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (28:37.057)
Mm-hmm.
Kayla (28:52.608)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (28:55.546)
Substance abuse and I lived in a homeless shelter when I was young with my mom. It was for women with children so I kind of understand the Knowing where I belong and everything else and as a child For me, I was pretty young so it was more running around playing hide-and-seek and getting caught by the nuns and them dragging me back to my mother Which was fun, you know, I have a weird relationship with nuns. They freaked me out. But for a reason
Brian (29:06.35)
Mmm, wow.
Brian (29:20.694)
Mm-hmm.
Chris Habegger (29:25.585)
You know, it’s a good reason. And then I myself struggled with substance abuse and alcoholism and everything else. And so I have the the ability to have the hard conversations with people who are either dealing with substance abuse themselves or dealing with people in their lives that have substance abuse in a way of explaining to them that
Kayla (29:42.914)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (29:55.447)
It is a bad thing that’s happening currently, but it doesn’t make them bad, you know, and to be able to show someone that they can have this past of being an addict or having issues and still be able to come out and be a healthy individual and be able to help others also. So you don’t have to be.
Brian (30:23.342)
man, I bet that gives them a lot of hope. That’s great. So I want to pause there for a second because I think some of our listeners might be thinking, gosh, my past disqualifies me. And you you just illustrated like, no, actually you can take what was a hard and hurtful and harmful, maybe even experiences in your life. But if you’re in a healthy place now,
Kayla (30:24.655)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (30:26.169)
Yeah, so it’s good.
Courtney (30:26.766)
Mm.
Kayla (30:49.638)
It.
Brian (30:52.33)
you’ve overcome them, that can lead to a lot of advantages as far as being able to relate, empathize, be able to say, look, I’ve been there and your past doesn’t have to hold you back and your future can be better. At the same time, on the other side, I want to make sure that people who are currently struggling, that they don’t think, my experiences are going to be helpful. It’s like, well, not until you’re healthy.
Courtney (31:06.98)
Mm.
Kayla (31:16.157)
.
Chris Habegger (31:21.878)
Yeah, you gotta work through your trauma and everything else and therapy is definitely the best way to go about it. know, because not working through those and still having that in your past doesn’t help you unless you’ve gone through the steps of working through your issues.
Brian (31:22.018)
You’ve got to get past it. Yeah, yes.
Courtney (31:29.828)
Hmm
Brian (31:37.741)
Right.
Brian (31:42.392)
Yeah, similar but different. I know someone has come to mind who got their heart got open to this. They stepped into it, but their past trauma as a child, it became triggering to them. It re-triggered some old stuff. And so just kind of be very self-aware of how far along you are in your own healing and what you can handle and what you can’t.
Courtney (32:11.15)
Hmm.
Courtney (32:15.074)
I’m just curious, know, again, going back to Kitto, placing your home for two months now, I would love to hear what your goals and motivations are for the future, both for him and for yourselves.
Kayla (32:27.625)
Yeah, I think, you know, honestly, as far as goals and motivations, know, we want, you know, reunification is the goal. You know, we want his parents to heal and we want him to feel safe. If reunification can happen. But we’re kind of like we’re here.
for whatever that looks like. If he’s reunified, if he’s not reunified, we’re kind of just along for the ride, you know, and, and…
Yeah, I wouldn’t really have it any other way, I guess. You know, we have a cordial relationship with his parents and that’s nice because, you know, we want to be part of his life for as long as, you know, they allow us to be in whatever capacity that looks like.
Chris Habegger (33:27.826)
And if he’s with us for the long haul, we want them to be part of his life as well, because it’s, you know, they’re his parents, they’re his mom, they’re his dad. And, you know, it’s important for him to have that connection in the healthiest way possible. So even if that’s not with him being reunified, still him having those bonds is very
Brian (33:45.762)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (33:56.184)
great that you guys recognize that and can voice that and say that right now. Yeah, just to know that that won’t change in you guys. I encourage you to keep up those relationships. If you’re a listener listening right now when you’re considering foster care or you’re down this journey or kinship care and you’re like, just don’t know how to be fully on board for reunification or I’m struggling with this, we do have a webinar. It’s called Fostering Bio-Family Relationships. It’s for free on fostercon.org. I highly suggest people listen to it.
Chris Habegger (34:02.624)
Hmm.
Courtney (34:25.196)
a mom who was reunified with her kids and a current foster mom or prior foster mom, I should say, and they just talk about their experiences and the mom about reunification and what worked well, what did not work well, people that supported her and didn’t. And it’s just, it’s very eye-opening to hear from that perspective of it as well.
Kayla (34:35.513)
Okay.
Brian (34:41.356)
Yeah. Well, Chris and Kayla, thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the way you’re doing it. I know some families go in into it and everybody’s got good hearts and really wanting to help. But I love your flexibility. know, some families are like, we just want to be your forever family. And then other families are like, we’re not going to be your forever family, but we are for now family where, you and, I would put you guys in the flexible family. Like it’s whatever you need. Yep.
Kayla (35:04.086)
Okay.
Chris Habegger (35:09.246)
Yeah.
Courtney (35:09.422)
for as long as needed.
Kayla (35:11.013)
Okay.
Brian (35:11.402)
So grateful for your attitude and your hoping to cheer on everybody involved, the kids and the extended, near family and extended family. So grateful for you and thank you for sharing your experience and insights. I know a lot of people who are not just far behind you, who are just like, we might become foster parents real soon. Probably love hearing this fresh perspective.
Kayla (35:37.306)
Yes, yes, well, thank you guys so much. Yeah, we appreciate it. We Yeah, we’re in it for the long haul whatever that looks like. So thank you
Brian (35:46.52)
Great, thank you. All right, God bless you guys. All right, bye.
Chris Habegger (35:50.61)
Thanks, appreciate you. Bye.
Kayla (35:51.212)
Thanks.
Courtney (35:53.87)
Bye.
