TRANSCRIPT:
Brian (00:03.364)
Hello and welcome to the Foster Friendly Podcast. I’m your host, Brian Mavis with my exceptional co-host, Courtney Williams, exceptional as a person and not just as a podcast host. And Courtney today, speaking of exceptional, we have a great guest with us today and she is going to be helping us focus on the four healthy habits you need to shift as a foster or an adoptive parent.
Courtney (00:16.778)
important today.
I guess with us today and she is going to be helping us focus on the four healthy habits you need to shift as a foster for a adopted parent. And Nicole, welcome. Great. Glad to you here. And I’m going to tell you a little bit about yourself. Thank you. I’m super excited. Yeah, so my name is Nicole Barlow. I…
Brian (00:32.071)
and Nicole, welcome. We’re glad to have you here and why you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Nicole Barlow (00:40.566)
Yeah, thank you. I’m super excited. Yeah, so my name is Nicole Barlow. I am a former foster parent. We fostered for several years, and then we ended up getting an adoptive placement of a sibling group of five. And so we adopted our five kids. Listen, well,
Courtney (00:57.136)
Just a light load.
Brian (00:58.358)
Yeah, yeah, okay, wow.
Nicole Barlow (01:01.74)
I mean, you know, it’s funny because we have fostered for a while and so we kind of thought we were pros. I was already training foster parents when we took our adoptive placement. So I was like, eh, this isn’t a big deal, right? And I was wrong. It is a big deal, but it has been a beautiful blessing. So we have been on this road, on this journey for quite a while. And I train foster parents.
Brian (01:07.972)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (01:15.48)
huh.
Nicole Barlow (01:27.63)
for a living and also work as a health and wellness coach for foster and adoptive parents.
Brian (01:32.674)
And you’re, I’m correct, TBRI practitioner, is that right? Great.
Nicole Barlow (01:37.944)
Correct. Yes, a TBRI practitioner, which kind of helps me, you know, pull all of my things together to really help and support families.
Brian (01:48.406)
Okay, yeah, with that TBR and for our listeners, sometimes we forget that we just assume they know what that is. What is a TBRI practitioner?
Courtney (01:48.684)
That’s great.
Nicole Barlow (02:01.782)
Yeah, TBRI is Trust-Based Relational Intervention. It’s a child-centered way approach of working with kids that have previous trauma history. And so a practitioner is somebody that is like a professional in TBRI that has been trained in TBRI that can…
A lot of therapists will use it in their practices professionally, but for me, I use it to train other foster parents in trauma-informed practices.
Brian (02:28.57)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (02:36.346)
Great. Thank you for explaining that. And then when you say it’s a child-focused approach, is there a quick way to give an example of what that means?
Nicole Barlow (02:51.596)
Yeah, it just means that you’re taking the whole child into consideration and you’re taking what’s happening in their body, what’s happening in their mind, what’s happening with their emotions, what has happened in their past in order to best meet their needs and to work with them relationally.
Brian (03:11.01)
Okay, and then one more question before we start getting into more of the specifics, but just in general. So you’re a practitioner of TBRRI, but you’re also a health and wellness coach. Is that something that is complimentary, distinct? Explain what you’re doing there.
Nicole Barlow (03:32.672)
Yeah, so it’s very interesting. The way that I got into that was my own journey. And as I was parenting kids with trauma, I was paying so much attention to my kids’ needs that I was kind of neglecting myself and my own needs and my health started to fail, my mental health started to fail. Relationally, I was struggling to show up for my kids, like, so I could…
know all the right things to do. was trained in TBRI. I knew all the right practices. I desired to connect with my kids and be attached to my kids, but I was having trouble kind of showing up for them. And so then I started to focus on my own health to get well for myself. And when I was able to do that, I noticed that I was able to show up for my kids very differently. I was able to be patient and that kind of stuff. And I just thought every parent
needs this. Like I am training all of these parents in these trauma-informed practices, right, and how to meet the needs of their kids. But what I was seeing is they knew those things, but they couldn’t implement them, or they were very reluctant or resistant to putting those things in practice. And it’s because their own needs weren’t being met.
And so when our own needs aren’t met and we’re living in our, what we call survival mode, right? Then we’re not able to focus on other people relationally. And so I started coaching foster and adoptive parents on wellness practices to implement for themselves so that they can implement these strategies for their kids.
Brian (05:16.058)
Okay, so where TBRI is child-focused, the health and wellness is parent-focused.
Nicole Barlow (05:22.124)
Yeah, well, you know, I will say it kind of is child focused in that it’s how I show up for my kid, right? In meeting the needs of my child, one of the most important strategies in TBRI is that I am regulated, that I am that calm place for my kids to be. And I can’t be that calm place if I’m not meeting my own
Brian (05:39.919)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (05:50.058)
needs. And so I think a lot of times when we think child focused, we think only child, but it’s not only child. In being child focused, I have to prepare myself to show up for my child.
Courtney (06:05.164)
Dr. John deGarber, who we’ve had on in the past, he calls this compassion fatigue. And it’s just such a great term to think about, like, because we do, you know, we give so much and so much time and for our body, our mind, our spirit, and it’s overwhelming. And so if we’re not focusing on ourselves, like you’re talking about, that compassion fatigue is going to kick in and we’re not going be able to have the compassion and the TBR responses that we want to have in our homes, like you just mentioned.
Nicole Barlow (06:28.864)
Yeah, yeah, it’s biological. mean, what is happening in our brains and in our bodies as we’re neglecting ourselves actually changes the way that we are able to respond and show up. Like we can’t, it’s not that we don’t want to, we can’t, we’re incapable at some point of showing up as patient and regulated for our kids.
Courtney (06:51.98)
Okay, so now we have this little background into this. Let’s dive into the topic for today is you have this passion. It’s very clear. You have a passion for supporting foster and adoptive parents and get them to understand their own wellbeing so we can support the kids better, right? So as we’re thinking about this, what are some very practical things that we can do or change as foster and adoptive parents? let’s start off the bat. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when we think about what we can do to care for ourselves?
Nicole Barlow (06:54.883)
Yeah.
Nicole Barlow (07:17.292)
Yeah, these are gonna be very basic, you guys, but the first thing is water. And a lot of it is the same strategies that we would put in place for our kids. And one of the reasons I love coaching foster and adoptive parents in wellness strategies is because they already know them. We’re already putting them into practice for our kids. We just have to turn them around and to put them into practice for ourselves.
So a lot of times, know, parents are going straight to the coffee, you know, caffeine, how do I get myself going for the day, all the things, and we’re forgetting about water. But mild, even really mild dehydration will send our body into fight or flight. And so we have to be conscious of making sure that we are getting enough water, at least half of our body weight in ounces in water every single day.
and starting with water instead of coffee. Like drink a cup of water before you have your coffee so that it gets that hydration started. So that we’re not started off on the opposite foot. We’re not going in the wrong direction from the beginning. And that is a very easy strategy for parents to implement. I mean, just carry around your water bottle, right? And just make sure that you’re sipping on it all day. is…
very doable for parents to implement. It’s just something that we aren’t intentional about most of the time.
Brian (08:41.976)
I was hoping when said water, you were going say go to the Caribbean Sea and just relax.
Courtney (08:45.676)
Relax.
Nicole Barlow (08:45.742)
Listen, that can be very regulating as well. That can be very regulating as well. But I do think that that brings up a good point and that I think a lot of times as we’re talking about self-care strategies, people are thinking things like spa, beach, brownies and pedicures, right? Like that kind of stuff. And that’s not actually the definition of self-care.
Courtney (08:50.348)
Yeah
Nicole Barlow (09:11.924)
Self care is caring for your body, caring for yourself well. So it may be a part of that, right? Again, the beach can be very regulating for our system, but at the same time, we need to be putting these basic practices into place as well.
Brian (09:27.684)
Yeah, and it’s almost noon and I have had no water today, but I’ve had a couple of cups of coffee, so.
Nicole Barlow (09:36.186)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that is true of most of us. and just like water is regulating, coffee can really rev up our cortisol levels. The caffeine in coffee can up our cortisol levels, which none of us needs more stress, right? And so we have to be aware. In fact, I have started drinking a coffee that’s like, it’s not decaf because I can’t go totally decaf.
Courtney (09:36.364)
Guilty.
Brian (09:55.17)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (10:05.026)
but it’s like a third of the caffeine because it helps my cortisol levels not go sky high from the very beginning of the day.
Brian (10:15.266)
Okay, so without this being a formal product placement endorsement, what is that coffee?
Courtney (10:15.382)
and
Nicole Barlow (10:20.0)
Yeah. So I actually use Purity Coffee, Purity Coffee test for mold. Coffee is one of the most likely products that people are consuming on a daily basis that has mold in it, which can be very dysregulating to your body. It can add a bunch of stress. It can cause inflammation in your body. And so I started using Purity Coffee and I can tell a very big difference when I
Courtney (10:48.426)
Interesting.
Nicole Barlow (10:49.184)
I do like a bunch of Starbucks or something like that. So yeah, it has been very interesting, but they offer a pack that’s like a third of the caffeine. So it’s not decaf, but it’s a little lower in the caffeine. Yeah.
Brian (10:52.922)
OK. All right.
Courtney (10:55.392)
Good to know.
Courtney (11:03.092)
Light calf. Yeah.
Brian (11:04.122)
Great, all right, all right. So first one is water. And what would be your second easy tip?
Nicole Barlow (11:11.766)
Yeah, so kind of along that same route of making sure that we’re not dysregulating our bodies is food. A lot of parents skip breakfast, they may skip lunch, they forget to eat until three o’clock in the afternoon, and then they’re starving and they’re just grabbing whatever’s in front of them. And we would never do that to our kids because we know they would be dysregulated if they didn’t eat. And so
Brian (11:20.324)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (11:38.478)
we’ve got to see that in our systems too. I think a lot of times we see in our kids that they are prone to be dysregulated because of their trauma history, but we are also prone to be dysregulated because of the trauma that we’re kind of experiencing and the stress that we’re taking on every day, which is higher than the average person usually. And so
we have to know that we are prone to that dysregulation too. So making sure that we’re eating at regular intervals every two to three hours, making sure we’re getting protein in there and making sure that within that food, we’re consuming mostly whole foods because just like the mold in the coffee, right, can cause inflammation and dysregulate our system. You know, foods that are processed and have a lot of sugar in them,
Seed oils, that kind of things can be dysregulating to our bodies and cause inflammation as well. Stress does not just come from the outside. Stress also comes from the inside and what we’re putting into our bodies. And so if we’re putting a bunch of junk like in our bodies, y’all, and I am a very picky eater. I like chicken nuggets and pizza and that’s kind of like my diet and french fries.
Brian (12:43.834)
Hmm.
Courtney (12:57.1)
Yeah
Brian (12:57.306)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (12:59.498)
So I mean, I get it that that stuff is, it tastes good. It’s easy to go to a lot of times. And as busy parents, we’re grabbing that stuff because it’s the easiest sometimes. But if it’s causing more stress in our bodies, then it’s causing us to be dysregulated in front of our kids.
Brian (13:02.548)
Okay.
Courtney (13:18.668)
I heard Dr. Karen Purvis in person for the first time 15 years ago, and it was like these aha things, like big things that were really like you’re saying. These are such simple things to do. For our kids, one of big things was a protein snack every two to three hours. It’s so funny how I adopted that for my kids immediately 15 years ago, but only in the last year did I start adopting that for myself. It’s like, why has it taken me so long to recognize that protein, what it does for our bodies?
Nicole Barlow (13:35.596)
Yep. Sure.
Nicole Barlow (13:40.035)
I know.
Brian (13:41.572)
Hmm.
Courtney (13:44.31)
What are some of your go-to snacks that are like for parents to kind of keep on something healthy throughout the day?
Nicole Barlow (13:49.07)
Yeah, so I meal prep. I don’t meal prep like everything, but I meal prep protein at the beginning of the week. So I’ll throw a couple of chicken breasts into the crock pot. Or a lot of times on Monday nights, we’ll do hamburgers and I’ll do like a burger and a bowl or whatever. But I’ll cook extra so that I have that extra protein on hand because protein is the hardest thing to grab. you have to a lot of protein sources you have to actually prepare.
Brian (13:55.29)
Hmm.
Brian (14:18.127)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (14:18.144)
And so if I prepare those ahead of time, then I have them on hand to just, you know, I can just grab some chicken and throw it on a salad or something very, very quickly. But also things like eggs, boiled eggs, keeping those things on hand, those beef sticks, like they’ve got some pretty good like protein beef sticks or there’s some pretty clean protein bars too. You just have to be really, really careful about those.
But there are some things like that that you can have on hand and have prepared. I think if you just think ahead to what your week’s going to look like, what you need to have on hand for you, it can be great. I think deli turkey is another one that is always in our refrigerator.
Brian (15:06.33)
Great, so really easy and I love kind of the philosophical summary statement of that stress comes not just from the outside but from the inside. So solutions are water and whole foods. So what would be your third shift you would make?
Nicole Barlow (15:23.542)
Yeah, and much like it would be for our kids, it’s movement, making sure that we’re getting movement. But here’s where most foster and adoptive parents go wrong. They think movement, and so they sign up for crazy classes that are an hour long, just kill you kind of classes, right? Give everything that you’ve got. And those types of environments can actually put a lot more stress on your body.
We have to be very careful, especially parents that are living in a very high stress environment have to be careful about how they’re getting movement and that they’re not putting too much on themselves. So things like walking is great. Walking is my one non-negotiable every single day. It has changed my mental health completely, completely. I am what they call an extroverted introvert.
so I’m very outgoing, but, quiet space is like where I recharge. So my walks are that it’s a time for me to kind of process my own thoughts, but it can be very regulating to your nervous system, that bilateral stimulation.
Courtney (16:21.898)
Me too!
Nicole Barlow (16:41.926)
almost simulates like what they do in like an EMDR where they do the back and forth on either side as people try to process trauma. It’s, not exactly the same thing, but it can help your nervous system regulate. can help you process emotions. it can help bring your cortisol levels down. So I think that that is a great movement for.
foster and adoptive parents to make sure that they’re getting in every single day. And then strength training, adding in strength training a couple of times a week. And I’m not talking like hour long, you know, go as fast as you can, as hard as you can for an hour kind of sessions, but just something to start building some muscle because muscle will help us start to regulate some of that cortisol in our body.
Brian (17:33.882)
So far you’ve mentioned water, food, and movement, exercise. reminds me of a few years ago during the Oscars, Steve Martin was introducing Brad Pitt and he said, I would do anything to look like this guy except eat right and exercise. And so…
Nicole Barlow (18:00.07)
Yes. Yes.
Courtney (18:02.22)
If only I.
Brian (18:02.604)
So yeah, so right now it’s like, gosh, yeah, the things you’re telling us to do, drink water, eat healthy food and move. think we would do that, but.
Courtney (18:12.044)
It’s the same.
Nicole Barlow (18:14.766)
And listen, the last one is just as basic. It’s just as basic, it’s just rest. Like you need to give your body rest. Right? And here’s the thing, we all know these things. We do. It’s not like we’re not coming up with some magical formula, right? It’s very basic things. But I do think that foster and adoptive parents need to be intentional about the amount of stress.
Courtney (18:22.668)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (18:22.714)
Oh wow. Uh huh.
Nicole Barlow (18:43.468)
that they’re putting on their bodies. Because if you go to a lot of diet and exercise kind of environments in our culture, it’s going to be eat less and work out more. And what we need to actually do is eat more and work out, but work out less. Because we’re trying, the key for foster and adoptive parents is regulating their nervous systems.
kind of managing that stress in their body. So we wanna do all of those things, but in a way that doesn’t put extra stress on our bodies. So it has to be very different than what the culture would kind of preach. So it is basic, it is basic things, but also some of those things, like when you take rest, it can be hard for foster and adoptive parents to incorporate rest into their day, into their rhythm of life.
just because of everything they have going on, but it is crucial. Well, there’s a couple of different ways that I rest. Number one, my kids are a little older and settled, and so sleep is not really an issue here like it used to be when they were younger. So sleeping at night, have a very strict
Brian (19:45.048)
How do you do it? How do you rest?
Nicole Barlow (20:04.524)
like bedtime routine, I start getting ready for bed about seven or eight o’clock at night most nights and wind, you know, take time to wind down and.
Brian (20:16.826)
W-I-N-E, wind down? Which, no? Okay, okay. All right.
Courtney (20:19.442)
I’m sorry.
Nicole Barlow (20:19.67)
wine. Yeah, not wine. That’s not helpful. Listen, I have learned that is not helpful. That does the opposite. That will keep you up at night. That’s when you wake up at the 3 a.m. like can’t sleep kind of thing. But yeah, I have a bedtime routine so it kind of I am ready to sleep when it’s time for me to go to sleep. I get I’m very intentional about making sure I get
Brian (20:32.6)
All right, all right.
Nicole Barlow (20:47.338)
a lot of sleep every night, seven to eight hours at least. then, but I think rest comes on another side too in that we need time away. Time away to kind of breathe and kind of reevaluate. And I always say for parents to get two days away because the first day you’re just kind of decompressing and the second day allows you an opportunity to like plan ahead.
Like what is going well? What needs to be shifted around? What needs to change? What can we do better? What tools can I implement for my kids, right? Like really thinking forefront and planning ahead for my kids. So my husband gives me two to three days, about once a quarter. And it gives me a chance to kind of recharge.
and kind of reevaluate how things are going, what we can do differently, what phase of life are my kids in? Because I think in foster care and adoption, we may think we have mastered trauma in our kids at one level, and then they hit another stage and everything shifts, everything changes, and we have to reevaluate sometimes how we’re doing things.
Courtney (22:03.416)
Yeah, so true. So true. I just love all this advice because it is so practical and so real. And again, like you said, these are the things that we easily overlook when our days are busy or it’s easy to just forget about these things. I also really, one thing I love that you mentioned was the whole more food, less working out, but less working out. Because I feel like in today’s culture, the whole mommy culture is you deserve, you deserve, you need this, you need this. And I tell them,
Brian (22:09.796)
Mm-hmm.
Brian (22:13.206)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Courtney (22:29.472)
women that I mentor all the time, like I see so many women spending hours a day at the gym. And for one, that’s time away from their families. That in my opinion is too much time, but also it’s just not realistic. For me, that’s not realistic. And so if I set that expectation on myself, then I just, failing. And so I start something and then I fail and I start and then I fail. And what you’re saying, these are all very realistic things that we can do. All of us can really do when we set our mind to them.
Nicole Barlow (22:54.412)
Yeah, and like walking, you can do with your family. My kids love to go on walks with me. I like walking by myself because it gives me some head space. when I can’t, there are times when I can’t, when my kids go live with me and they love that time.
Brian (22:55.364)
Mm-hmm.
Courtney (23:10.112)
Yeah.
Brian (23:11.128)
Yeah, and you don’t need a gym to do that. And you also don’t, don’t need a gym to exercise. I just do body weight exercises and it only takes several minutes a day and it makes a big difference though.
Nicole Barlow (23:25.804)
Yeah, it does make a big difference in just everything. It makes a difference in your mental health, your physical health, and your ability to show up for your kids. I do think it is a challenge though for parents to kind of get over that hurdle and start putting some of these things in practice. It’s been very interesting to me with my coaching clients. Like the things, I mean, these are the strategies that I’m teaching them. is not, it’s not anything that they couldn’t have come up with.
Brian (23:48.986)
Okay.
Nicole Barlow (23:55.436)
by themselves, but sometimes we do need that accountability. We need some encouragement. We need somebody kind of walking alongside of us to kind of steer us towards these things, to kind of teach us how to implement these things amongst the chaos in our world. And when people are experiencing burnout or compassion fatigue, their brains are just kind of shut down. Like it just is. And so we have a challenge.
really thinking critically, kind of coming up with ideas. That executive function part of the brain doesn’t work as well when we’re overstimulated and overstressed. So really thinking through how do I implement these things on a regular basis is important.
Brian (24:40.67)
And I would say just start. if you don’t hit half your body weight in ounces in water, least get start. Drink a glass of water. Right? So yeah, I’ve already exceeded. Right? Yeah, I can do that. mean, something’s better than nothing, right? And so, yeah. And then, yeah.
Courtney (24:50.7)
Yeah. And Brian, it’s not half the body weight in coffee. Switch it around maybe.
Nicole Barlow (24:50.926)
Yeah, yeah, just do something. Maybe alternate throughout the day or something, you know.
Courtney (25:03.884)
Yeah.
Nicole Barlow (25:04.909)
you
Brian (25:10.264)
boil some hard boiled eggs, prep for that. You don’t have to join a gym. You know, just you can stand right where you are and, you know, do 15 squats. It’s, and then get, add an extra half hour to prepping for resting at nighttime. And so I love how, I love that something that is, that can make a big difference doesn’t have to be complicated.
Nicole Barlow (25:15.672)
Yeah.
Nicole Barlow (25:39.714)
Yep. Yep. And I mean, I was just, I was floored about what a difference it made in my home and in my kids, because our kids, the temperature of our home is set by us, the parents. And so if we’re not in a good space, if we’re not healthy physically, mentally, know, emotionally or whatever,
Brian (25:57.295)
Yeah.
Nicole Barlow (26:06.86)
then the temperature of our home is not gonna be healing for our kids.
Brian (26:10.648)
Yeah, yeah. So I again, really appreciate the simplicity and practicality of it. And then I want our listeners to again, not just remember those four things, but the philosophy behind it is that stress doesn’t just come from the outside, it comes from the inside. So it’s important to pay attention to what you’re putting inside of you, in your body. So Nicole.
Courtney (26:10.7)
Yeah.
Brian (26:37.37)
This is question we ask of all our guests. How would you finish this sentence? What kids in foster care really need is…
Nicole Barlow (26:50.936)
healthy, regulated parents.
Brian (26:53.966)
I love that. And man, that applies to all kids. Not just kids, foster care, yes. And so what a challenge for our listeners and something that I hopefully there would want to embrace. mean, why would you resist that?
Courtney (26:54.86)
Yeah.
I’m going to that.
Courtney (27:13.92)
Yeah. Yeah. And it’s, I have never gone for a walk. I love walking as well, but I’ve never gone for a walk and regretted it like ever, or even picked up the weights and regretted it. You know, like all those things you said, they’re all so good that our bodies tell us that we know that. so, yeah, challenge, challenge accepted. But how could people, if people wanted to follow you or find out more about your coaching, if they’re interested, like a foster parent that’s like, Hey, I’m struggling in this area. I need some support. I need to recognize I need that support. I see it now. How could they follow you or find you?
Brian (27:22.894)
Yeah, yeah.
Nicole Barlow (27:30.166)
Yeah, yeah, just do it.
Brian (27:36.378)
Mm-hmm.
Nicole Barlow (27:42.719)
Yep. you can find me on Instagram at fosterwellnesscoach. And you can also find my website at NicoleTBarlow.com or you can listen to my podcast at Foster Parent Well. I do a lot of episodes on supporting parents and their wellness journey.
Brian (28:03.928)
The podcast that you said is Foster Parent Well. Okay, great. Well, Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your compassion and practical applications. I definitely feel like this is a episode where our listeners can immediately make an improvement in their life by just implement at least one of these today.
Nicole Barlow (28:30.444)
Yep. Yep.
Courtney (28:31.35)
so they can foster parent well. love that name, so. Yeah. Thanks for joining us.
Brian (28:33.39)
But yeah.
Nicole Barlow (28:34.28)
Thank you.
Brian (28:37.326)
Thank you, Nicole. Bye.
